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Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2321984
More than half of this story is the commentary and not my narration.

This story is a work of fiction and has nothing to do with real life events. If anyone believes it to be true, you might also believe that I train dragons.

Hoof-and-trotter Ball

Round 1

One fateful morning, in a forest by the name Golden Timbers, as the sun rose itself up the mountains, echoed the sound of trumpets throughout the jungle. From the highest summit of the mountains to the lowest core of the earth, every living and dead thing questioned, "where is it coming from? And wherefore?"

Soon, the question was answered by a harbinger that flew across the jungle letting a note fall. And shortly after, like a wildfire, the tidings about a soccer match between a troop of cows and a bulk of stinky pigs enticed the residents of Golden Timbers.

The stadium was reasonably huge and the seats were all occupied. But the hype was so much that people were standing behind the stadium on cartons of wood to watch the match. "That better be worth getting my cheeks whooped by the cops." Said a black mamba who was also among the dishonorable members of the carton-audience amongst the barely hearable murmurs amidst the crowd.

From among the crowd, a drunk baboon walked forward and stepped on a step of the stairs that reached a booth that looked like a witness box that was stolen from the court, on the parapet of it was a huge megaphone through which the commentator would speak.

The audience started chattering among themselves as the baboon clambered up the stairs.
A thousand attempts later, he eventually found himself successfully on the booth. He rested his hand on the pole as he sighed. The sound of his sigh turned into a loud SIGH when it reached the megaphone. The baboon jumped in fear and... basically it was a sequential sound of plop, crack, crunch, thud, and then his drunken scream which fell quiet as he landed on the 0th step on his head.

The paramedics came and carried the fallen drunkard away like pallbearers. "Wee-woo wee-woo..." A parrot in the audience mimicked the sound of an ambulance, "wee-woo-" his siren got interrupted when a sharp slap struck his head.

Another round of applause was heard which cooled after a little while. Quiet thumping footsteps reached the megaphone as an owl stood in the booth, it was Walter. Walter was an 84 years old owl whose autobiography, 'Around The Jungle in 84 Years' was very infamous and was banned in certain states because of his horrible writing skills (I swear if someone calls me Walter!). Walter often refers to himself as 'we' instead of 'I', basically he brings his whole pedigree into his weirdness.

It took just the time for the applause to turn into a disappointed chorus of boos when the audience looked at Walter. But oldy didn't give a chip about it. He held the megaphone like a narghile and cleared his throat. With his old, hoarse, annoying, basically a typical old-man-type voice, he greeted Golden Timbers.

"Good morning, Golden Timbers! We, your host and your uncle's oldest grandpa, welcome you warm-heartedly to this... oinkteresting soccer match." A sense of nervousness could be felt in his laughter as he realized that no one laughed at his joke except... yeah no one did. Sorry Walter, not even google could find an animal that would laugh at your jokes.

"We apologize." As the oldy should have. "Anyway, this is a very spiritual moment when we see different animals from different species, standing on their hooves, claws, paws, and even some with none of them, still standing... crawling, in support of their favorite teams. If you all may move your eyes from the hot female animals in the audience to the battlefield- We mean, the playground and watch the teams grunting and moo-ing at each other, we can do nothing but hope that it doesn't turn into a... beef." Again! He nervously laughed one more time as the crowd fell silent again, their faces all frowned. "QUIT IT, OLD MAN!" A raven shouted.

"thou harsh mortals! Anyway, let us introduce thee to the teams. On the right side, we have the cows' team, 'Baffly Beefs', and on the left side we have the most amazing, the most stinky, the most-'' A hyena, in his frustration, shouted, "Just start the dang match, oldy!"
Walter, hiding his discontent behind a forced smile, said, "On the left side, we have the pigs' team 'Bacoooooonnnn Biiiiiiiiits!'" And it was all he had to say before the audience cheered like bi...ts, Bacon Bits, hehe. "Wooooooooooooooo!" Screeched a monkey.

Walter breathed deep, trying to hide his anger behind a rictus. "Let us introduce you to the captains of both teams. The captain for the cows' team is Willy, The Smasher. And for the pigs' team, we got Johny, Johny, yes pa- Narrator stop putting words into our mouth. For the pigs' team, we have their captain, Johny, The Smashee! There will be 5 rounds in this game so that there is a winner rather than a tie. Each round will be of 15 minutes and whichever team scores within this time, wins. The winner team will get a golden hoof trophy, along with which, the whole team will get a VIP pass for the Barnyard Bar, where they can eat, drink and dance as much as they want!"

Among the maniacal cheers of the audience, a loud, high-pitched yell was heard, "Hulululululululu!"

Walter had now blown the fuse. He shouted till his voice cracked, "SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!" And stuffed an apple into the mic- megaphone, dang it. He panted as he sat on a chair.

The crowd fell silent as Walter's eyes turned fumingly red. The stadium flowed rhythmically between suspense and anxiousness. The animals murmured amidst themselves, eager for the match to start.

The teams walked forward. "Round one, fight!" Said a lion in a Tekken voice. The bell rang and the match started. Player number 5 from the pigs team snatched the ball and started scuttling around.

Suddenly, soft footsteps approached Walter. A zebra, by the name Raj, climbed up, he ordered Walter to join the audience, saying, "You're too old to handle these scumbags."

Walter stood up from his chair, before leaving, he whispered, "We are not old, you are."

Raj chuckled. He took out the apple from the megaphone, and while munching on it, commentated, "An apple a day keeps Walter away. So, as we witness with our very eyes, the game-play is going just amazing as we see Bacon Bits just killin' it. Their fantastic movements augur their victory as we cheer for their feet, but we can also see Player 6 from Baffly Beefs whose hooves we see thumping swift and hard on the ground approaching the piggy like the thunder and just about to snatch it. Oops, muff and puff, and the kick on the 20 degree angle made him fall on his back. Pallbearers carrying him away to the restroom, you can say they "got his back", ain't it?

Piggy is maintaining his ball-sack position as he carries the ball around the stadium protecting his ball from the ballers. As we still wait for their victory, we seem to forget that Baffly Beefs is zealing up and taking fat steps towards the piggy. Looks like number 7 from Baffly Beefs has forgotten that it's a football match and not a high jump competition because sheesh, bro! That jump is higher than a human after taking those weird plants and oh- the piggy has been hydraulic pressed like a freshly ironed shirt of a bank manager.

Cowies have now embarked on a journey toward the net but who's gonna tell them that it's nothing but a pig-ment of their imagination and they're swiftly approaching a huge wall built by Bobby The Pigster. There they go, slowly but surely about to kiss their smiles goodbye.

And, one down, two down, three down, four. Number 7 from Bacon Bits has now taken the lead and is now trying to find the ball under the cowstack. Pushing them side to side and what did we just see? The ball couldn't handle the pressure and just squished itself. Poor ball, we lost him young, bruh! No, no, no! This piggy is so stupid, he just touched it with his bare hand which gives him a red card. You're out little boy, or should I say, you're snout.

After hearing about the disqualification of the piggy, cowies have come to life again and we see them celebrating it like a new year! Look at Number 11 from Baffly Beefs showing his moo-ves like jagger. Moo-ving on, what did Santa say to a horse? Mare-y Christmas! Haha. Now if you retarded people can shut up with the only thing you know which is boo-ing, and look at the field, a freshly pumped ball has just arrived and a re-match is about to start. Both of the teams walking forward." The bell rang,

"There starts the match, and there go the piggies again. These piggies are just something else, the precision in their kicks might be the reason for their selection in 'Hog'warts School of Sports as football coaches.

The match is heating up like the brussels in my grammama's oven and the pigs' team is as if taking over the field with their majestic feet-work, looks like they have a severe feet fetish.

Oh, boy! Or should I say, cow, boy! Player number 3 from Baffly Beefs is sprinting towards the piggy, and Bacon Bits are now at steak (stake), see what I did there? Anyway, there comes Player 3, galloping we'll say, and about to unravel his true powers.

All the years of my life I was told that cows cannot jump, but the truth has now been revealed, mom! Yes! Yes they can! 🎶I believe I can fly.🎶 But Player 3 from Baffly Beefs thinks he can float, but not for long, buddy!

There he falls like the mental health of a human. Almost falling off and we see him trying to grab onto the piggy- but accidentally grabbed onto his shorts and... The piggy is now a pantless piggy. But he's still scuttling and buttling like a real hall of famer. This has to be the jiggliest run I've ever seen. I can't even imagine how boar-ing the match would be without Pantless Piggy, hehe. The whole team of Baffly Beefs is after him but like a rockstar his jiggly run is taking over the field and he's running, running, running and THERE IT GOES! HOLE IN ONE! GOAL IN THE NET AND THE PIGS TEAM WON!"

Pro-Pigs people started cheering in chorus, "BACON BITS! BACON BITS!"

"Congratulations to Pantless Piggy and the team for winning the first ever round of this match, but there is more to come! You may now go and dress up because I can no longer handle that jiggle. We will take a 15 minute break and in round 2, we'll hope for more fun and thrilling because certainly, we're free from Walter! We may now finish up with our due work in the meantime." Raj sat on the chair in front of the megaphone and finished up with his apple.

Both the teams walked away and not-so-peacefully, the first round of Hoof-and-trotter Ball...


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