Short Stories and poems

Dungeons and Monsters

A young man finds out that D&D is played differently in Monster World.

“Well, that group sucked,” Carl said, as he drove the car.

“Tell me about it,” said his friend in the passenger seat. “They killed my Mountain Dwarf Paladin just because he protested them trying to kill your Warforged Bard.”

“And let’s not get started on how Tommy just let them do whatever they wanted to, with no consequences,” said Carl. “I mean, they killed that shopkeeper just to get everything the guy had. Heck, Tommy had to have been on their side from the beginning – I saw his chart for possible encounters, like if a witness saw something – he rolled a 16, and that should have summoned like 2-3 guards that were doing a random patrol, which should have noticed the commotion. “

“I need a break from D&D after something like that,” said Sam. “Thankfully, I got football practice.”

“Imagine that the tackle dummies are Tommy and his cronies for me,” said Carl.

“No problem,” said Sam. “I’ll be honest; I almost decked that Max guy when he insulted you, especially since he did it out of character.”

“I’m glad that you didn’t,” said Carl. “I don’t think that they allow D&D in prison.”

“Well, thanks for picking me up from practices,” said Sam. “I just have a hard time passing the driving test.”

“Sixth time’s the charm, perhaps,” said Carl.

Sam chuckled. “Said that the last four times.”

“Well, that aside, I’ll find us a group that we can play in,” said Carl, as they pulled up at Sam’s place.

“Halfling’s Luck on that,” said Sam. He got out of the car. “See you later.”


A couple of days later, Carl was at a game shop on the edge of town, or rather, next to Monster Town. Ever since the Monster World revealed itself, a number of so-called Monster Towns and such had sprung up next to those inhabited by humans. However, it seemed that most folks stuck to their own side of town. Of course, matters weren’t helped by the number of Horror Stories folks told, some of which were too strange to believe. In fact, Carl had heard a couple of D&D Horror stories involving Human Players sitting at the tables of actual monsters – one player got every bone in their body broken for being too lucky at the dice rolls, and then there was the story about the female player that got eaten by a dragon DM, because her character, in game, had been eaten by the dragon that the party was fighting. Of course, such stories got a number of responses, claiming that the stories were fake, lies, or heavily exaggerated.

Carl sighed as he thought about the stories, and the counter-claims about said stories. He did wonder about the truth of such stories, although he wouldn’t have been too surprised if they were real, given his own experiences with terrible groups. He opened the door to the shop.

Carl started to look around. The first thing he saw was the clerk – a snake-like being that could have been the model for a Yuan-Ti Abomination. The only difference was, their scales were more yellow and orange.

“Welcome to the Python Game Shop,” they said. “How can I help you today?”

“Um, do you have anything related to Dungeons and Dragons, fifth edition to be precise?” Carl asked, as he came up to the counter.

“Third-party type stuff,” the clerk said. “Along with the basics, but I can order you anything you want.”

“What kind of third-party stuff?” Carl asked.

“Basically, us Monster World denizens created a spin-off we call Dungeons and Monsters, and using the D&D stuff as a basis, we’ve added abilities to the creatures that their real world counterparts would have,” the clerk said.

“That does sound interesting,” said Carl. “What kind of abilities?”

“Yuan-Ti, for instance, all have the Swallow ability, because us snakefolk have that same ability,” the clerk said. He pulled out a copy of the Monster Manual, the one for Dungeons and Monsters. Opening it up, he set it down, showing the Yuan-Ti Abomination. “Take a look.”

Carl looked at it. “Swallow – Yuan-Ti Abomination can swallow one target of Large size or more smaller ones. Does 2d6 acid damage, unless they are in Protection Mood. Protection Mood?”

The clerk chuckled. “We don’t always try to digest what we have in our stomach.” They tapped on another section. “Stomach Protection – Yaun-Ti Abomination can protect up to eight targets that are inside of their stomach from acid damage. Requires Concentration. Either case, the swallowed one has full cover from outside attacks and such.”

“So, how many Player Races have this ability?” Carl asked.

The clerk grinned. “A good bunch of them, to be honest, and so do a lot of the beings one can encounter.”

“I see,” said Carl. “Um, do you know of any groups that would be willing to take on additional players?”

“Old group break up?” the clerk asked.

“Worse – the other players, killed my guy just because he was a Warforged bard in their FANTASY game, and then they killed my buddy’s dwarf paladin character because he protested said killing,” said Carl.

“That stinks,” the clerk said. “Well, you might be in luck. I got a customer coming in. They run a high-magic game with a bunch of folks, lots of magic items, and lots of tough fights, plus exploration and social scenarios. There’s something for everyone.”

“What can you tell me about them?” Carl asked.

“I saw him conduct a Level 20 one-shot with twenty people,” said the clerk. “Not an easy feat for most DMs, but he was able to make things run smoothly, with everyone knowing what they were doing before they did it. Everyone got along, there was no PvP, no game-derailing arguing, and everyone had fun.”

“That’s good,” said Carl. “By the way, do you know the truth to certain Horror stories I’ve heard about Monster games that get the occasional human player?”

“Depends on the story,” the clerk said. “I’ve heard a bunch of them, and I’ve even gotten the truth behind many of them.”

“How about the one about the human player getting his bones broken by a bunch of Orc Players, all because he was really lucky with his rolls?”

“If it’s the one I’ve heard, the human player was picking up his dice before anyone could see the results, and calling out suspiciously high numbers all the time,” the clerk said. “Seems the player next to him grabbed his wrist the next time the guy rolled and had tried to grab the dice again, and accidently broke a few bones as a result – he’d rolled a Nat1 while trying to hit an Orc NPC anyways.”

“So, the human player was cheating?” Carl asked.

“The whole time,” the clerk said. “A buddy of mine works at a gaming store where this took place, and he saw the whole thing – now the orc player did pay for the hospital bill, but the cheater was banned from the store.”

“Um, have you heard the one about the human woman that was –“

“Eaten by the Dragon DM and digested?” the clerk asked. “Only half true – the DM let her out, safe and sound. The two of them are boyfriend and girlfriend from what I’ve heard, and she likes getting swallowed by him. My cousin is actually part of that group.”

“So, who made up the part where she was digested?” Carl asked.

“Her prior DM had this rather creepy fascination with her, and the characters she made,” the clerk said, with a shudder. “He wrote a lot of bad erotica involving his over powered DMPCs and her Characters. I mean, it is one thing to talk about things, and get permission, but this guy always tried to force her character to marry his.”

“No wonder she preferred being a dragon’s meal, if that’s true,” said Carl. “At least it would be a one-time thing.”

The clerk chuckled. “Well, better that than a forced marriage. Still, in real life, the lady’s fine, and her character was reformed even, once the dragon was defeated, and a scroll of Resurrection was found in the dragon’s horde.”

“Useful to know,” said Carl. “So, how did the other DM find out?”

“Asshole decided to follow her to her current group, during the session that the group faced off against the dragon,” the clerk said. “He even sent her a creepy text message. Realizing that he knew where she was going, she sent the dragon a Text, asking if he could hide her from the jerk. The dragon offered her the shelter of his stomach, so things went from there, with some faked botched rolls, and such. Then, he devoured her, scaring the shit out of the asshole’s asshole!”

“Did he call the police?” Carl asked.

“Yes, but since the police that arrived were monsters, and the DM had released the lady from his stomach by this point in time, it was quite obvious that the jerk had to have been trespassing, among other things,” the clerk said. “Guy was real pissed when the lady said that she would rather be dragon food than be his girlfriend, so he wrote that libelous story.”

“Well, nice to know the real story behind that story,” said Carl.

“The DM I was telling you about, Zorzar, should be along in a few minutes,” said the clerk. “Just to let you know, they are a dragon.”



A little while later, a human-sized dragon entered the store. “Hey Ziles,” they said. “You got that Eberron book?”

“Just came in,” the clerk said. He reached up, and took down a book. “$53.95.”

The dragon pulled out a card, and made their purchase. “Let me know when you get Tasha’s,” they said.

“It’s on backorder,” said Ziles. “If you want, I can have it delivered to your place.”

“That would be good,” said Zorzar.

“By the way, this fella’s looking for a group,” Ziles said, pointing at Carl. “I told him that you might have a space open.”

“I got room at my table,” said Zorzar, as he looked over at Carl. “1d12 or 2d6?”

“2d6 has a better higher average, but a d12 has a better chance at rolling max damage,” said Carl.

The dragon grinned. “Good points. If you were a rogue, would you steal from the party?”

“I’d steal from the BBEG first,” said Carl. “I’d ask to borrow from the party.”

“If you were a paladin, would you report the rogue for stealing stuff?”

“If they just robbed someone for no reason, maybe, but if it was needed, and was for a good cause, I might look the other way.”

“What if you weren’t good in a skill that was called to be used, would you still give it a roll?”

“Of course, I just might beat the DC needed.”

“Now, given that I like to run large groups, and there are those with abilities and roles that overlap, how would you feel about sharing the duty your guy tends to do with others?”

“Well, as long as there is things that they can do really well that I can’t do so well, and likewise there’s things that I can do really well that they can’t, I’m okay with it.”

“Good answer. How are you with sexual encounters? Some of the player characters engage in that between themselves or NPCs.”

“Do you do a fade to black, or go full detail?”

“Most are okay, or fine, with full detail, especially if it’s two players doing it between themselves, but we can do fade to black if someone doesn’t feel comfortable about listening to it.”

“Okay.”

“Can you handle playing with females, or those that like to play characters of the opposite gender?”

“I got no problems with it.”

“What about playing with monsters?”

“To be honest, I don’t have much interaction with monsters, normally.”

Zorzar chuckled. “To be fair, most of the group hasn’t dealt with humans much. Now, do you tend to have your weekends free? My game sessions tend to be long ones, over a day at any rate. We tend to pack a lot in.”

“I hope that we get bathroom breaks and food,” said Carl.

“Yes, but let me know if you’re coming so my mother can set things up, like food and such for you,” said Zorzar.

“Alright,” said Carl. “I think I’m up for all that.”

With that, Carl and Zorzar exchanged contact information.



A couple of days later, Carl was at the address indicated by Zorzar. He looked around. It seemed to be a nice place, like most any other neighborhood in the town. Kids were playing outside, because it was a Saturday. Sure, they weren’t human, but Carl could see that they were playing games like Tag and some kind of ball game. He walked up to the door, and knocked on it. A few seconds later, the door opened, revealing an older female dragon.

“Are you Carl?” she asked.

Carl gulped, and nodded.

“In that case, come in,” the dragoness said. “Do you like steak?”

“Is that for supper?” Carl asked.

“Gaming snack,” the dragoness said, as she walked back into the kitchen. “I have it cut into pieces for players to nibble on.”

“I guess so,” said Carl, as he entered. “Um, medium-well, please.”

“That might be tricky for me to do,” the dragoness said. “I have an issue controlling my flame’s temperature, but I’ll see what I can do.”

Carl’s eyes widened as he heard this. “Um, so, where’s Zorzar at?”

“He’s down in the basement, along with the rest of the group,” the dragoness said, as she got some steak out. “I’m sure that you’ll love the gaming table. It was expensive, but worth it, and for more than just those TTRPGs most use them for, like having a Summer Picnic when we’re in the middle of a Winter snowstorm.” She then walked over to a door, and opened it, revealing a set of stairs. “Seems Carl made it.”

Carl could hear a mix of laughs and minor cursing coming up them.

“Okay, if you lost the bet, pay up,” said Zorzar’s voice.

Carl then walked down the stairs, and that was when he saw the other players. If not for the casual clothes they wore, Carl would have wondered if this was supposed to be a costume gaming group. In terms of races, they seemed to have come from different campaign settings and such. There were a couple of catfolk – one of which looked like a lion, a goat person, an elephant person, an orc, a lizard person, a minotaur, an elf-like person, a crow person, a green human-like person with very long ears that were pierced together, a fish-like person, to say nothing about the demon-like person with wings.

“Alright,” said Zorzar. “Let’s introduce ourselves to our new party member. I’m Zorzar, as you know, the Dungeon Master.”

“Pouncer,” said the one catperson. “I’m the Barbarian – Totem Warrior, Tabaxi.”

“Ripsnout,” the orc said. “Necromancer wizard, orc.”

“Butterfly,” the minotaur said. “Shepherds Druid, minotaur.”

The rest also introduced themselves – Huntor the Leonin Monk, Clip-Clop the Satyr Cleric, Clicky the Kenku Paladin, Clover the Drow Bard, Shuom the Triton Ranger, Kel the Loxodon Shadow Sorcerer, Usk the Lizardfolk Warlock, Kalo the Verdan Battle Smith Artificer, and Akra the Winged Tiefling Lycan Blood Hunter.

Carl blinked. “You’re missing Rogue, Fighter, and Mystic.”

There was a snort from Ripsnout. “I tried Mystic. I found it to be too tricky. I would have been better off doing a Wizard/Monk Multi-class, or something.”

“I’m sort of surprised that you’re doing a spellcaster class anyways,” said Carl. “I thought that you’d like playing as a Barbarian or something.”

Ripsnout chuckled. “If I want to bash someone’s brains out, I got my quarterstaff for that. Until they get close, I’ll let my minions do the dirty work.”

“Okay, so, just how does Character Creation work?” Carl asked. “I could do either Fighter or Rogue if you don’t want to double up on classes. And, what’s the rules on Stats? Standard, Point Buy, or roll 4d6 drop lowest, what?”

At this, everyone started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Carl asked.

“Your character, is based off of you,” said Zorzar.

“Okay,” said Carl. “Any lore I should know?”

“Up until fifty years ago, humans were seen as a myth,” said Zorzar. “That changed when several hundred human ships showed up. Seems they’d been fleeing from sickness, and other things, the nature of which hasn’t been discussed. That being said, the humans, despite being allowed to inhabit some land that was not wanted by others, and even had help in building several cities for them to live in, tried to take more over. Despite not doing so well on the offense, and lacking access to magic, for the most part, they did hold their original cities, and there was a certain amount of mutual respect. The war, basically, ended in a draw. Currently, there’s four human cities, with some scattered settlements.”

“Okay, so, any limits on what race I can play as?” Carl asked.

There was again, more chuckling.

“What’s so funny?” Carl asked.

“Like I’ve said, your Character is based off of you,” said Zorzar. “Race, class, and so on.”

“That might be tricky,” said Carl.

“It’s a lot of fun finding out just who you are,” said Butterfly. “Trust me there.”

“Now, quick question,” said Zorzar. “The party were about to leave a village to hunt down bandits – do you want to have already be in town, or do you want to be a prisoner that’s about to be rescued by the group?”

“Well, as long as I have a dagger that I can easily reach hidden on me, and the rest of my gear is nearby, I think that I am okay with being a prisoner of a group of bandits,” said Carl.

“Okay, we’ll backtrack a little bit for you,” said Zorzar. “We’ll start with you, and your predicament.” Zorzar then tapped the table, and an image of a forest path showed up.

“Cool special effects,” said Carl.

Zorzar chuckled. “You’ve seen nothing.” He then held out a blank character sheet.

“Do I get to fill it out now?” Carl asked.

“Once you grab it, you will.”

Carl reached out, and touched the piece of paper. A flash came, as he watched it fill itself out. Next thing he knew, he was on the very forest path he’d just saw, while wearing the sort of outfit that those known as rogues tended to use.

“Check the back of your right wrist,” came Zorzar’s voice.

Carl looked, and saw that his character sheet had, basically, been tattooed onto his wrist. He saw that his Subclass was that of Thief, that he was a Charlatan , and his lowest Stat, which was in Strength, was a 12. His Dexterity and Charisma were fairly decent, being 18 and 15, with Constitution being a 14, along with Intelligence, and Wisdom. He also saw that he was at Level 5, and had the Observant Feat.

“Alright,” he said. “I’m good at seeing things. Most everything is okay, and no penalties. Cool. Nice to know I’m not a complete weakling with an 8 in Strength, as it were.”

“12 is Average, in this game,” said Zorzar’s voice. “Also, we multiclass if the stats needed are 15 or better.”

Carl gulped. “Um, useful to know.”

“Okay, quick demo, for your Magic items – you roll your dice by shaking your left hand, just imagine that you have a d10 and a d10 Percentile.”

Carl did as he was told. A number came up, and next thing he knew, there was a ring on his finger.

“Ring of Protection. Roll again.”

Carl rolled, and his boots changed.

“Boots of Elvenkind. Roll for third item.”

Carl rolled again, and another ring appeared on another finger.

“Ring of Regeneration. Not bad.”

“Anything else I need to know?” Carl asked.

“You roll for items on even levels, and there’s no limit to magical items,” said Zorzar. “Now, roll for Perception.”

Carl shook his dice, and rolled. Nat20!

“Good news is, you have clearly spotted the outlaws trying to ambush you, so no Surprise for them,” said Zorzar, as a couple of Bandits, a couple of Scouts, and a Bandit Captain, all of them humans, came into Carl’s view. “The bad news is, they have you outnumbered and surrounded. What do you do?”

“Clearly no sense in trying to fight them off,” Carl said, as he looked around. He raised his hand. “Um, I surrender.”

“Good choice,” the Bandit Captain said. “Makes things easier on both of us. Take him alive men. He might prove useful.”

That was when something hit Carl in the back of the head, knocking him out.



When he came to, Carl found that most of his stuff was gone, save for his rings, as he could still feel them on his hand. His hands were tied behind his back, all while being tied to a tree, upside-down.

“Ah, awake I see,” said the Bandit Captain. “I’m going to have fun with you.”

“You’ll pay for this,” said Carl. “That much I’m certain of.”

“Stronger folk than you have said better,” the Bandit Captain said.

“Give me a Perception Check,” Zorzar’s voice came into Carl’s mind. “Roll in your mind.”

Carl rolled. He briefly saw an 18, which let him see some movement around the area, which went unnoticed by the bandit Captain and his men. A grin came to his face.

“What are you smiling at?” the Bandit Captain asked.

“You’re about to die,” said Carl.

The Bandit Captain laughed.

That was when several arrows flew into the camp. The two bandits fell, with shafts sticking out of them. A Wolf and a robot-like dog-thing charged into the camp, and engaged in battle with a Scout, as several figurers burst into the camp. Both Scouts were soon dead, and the Bandit Captain was taken prisoner, and stripped of his gear.

“Looks like someone tied you up,” Butterfly said, as she came forward. “Need some help?”

“Sure,” said Carl.

Butterfly stepped up to him, and released him from his restraints. “Better?”

“Much better,” Carl said, as he stood up.

“Let’s see what they got,” said Huntor, as he walked over to a chest. “A little lock like this isn’t too tricky to deal with.”

Carl checked himself, and found a set of Thieves Tools. “Got something that might help.”

“Alright,” said Huntor.

He stepped aside, as Carl stepped forward.

“Do I get first dibs?” Carl asked.

Huntor looked at the rest, who all nodded. “Might as well – some of its undoubtedly yours.”

Carl used his set of Thieves Tools, and was surprised at how easy it was for him to unlock the chest. He opened it, and found, in addition to the rest of his stuff, a crossbow, covered in flames. “Well, this is cool.” He pulled it out. “Um, just to be fair, anyone else want it?”

“You keep it,” Clicky said, as the crow-like Kenku stepped forward. “You don’t look like you have a ranged weapon anyways.”

“Um, thanks,” said Carl, as he figured out how to equip it.

“Now, to deal with this guy,” said Ripsnout, as he stepped up to the captured Bandit Captain. “We’re looking for your boss.”

The Bandit Captain spat at him. “You don’t scare me. There’s nothing you can do to make me talk.”

“Let me try,” Pouncer said, as she walked up to the Bandit Captain. “Cat’s Prey!”

Carl watched, as the Bandit Captain suddenly became afraid. Then Pouncer took out a potion, held it to the prisoner’s lips, and forced them to swallow the contents. Carl gasped in amazement, as the Bandit Captain shrank to the size of a mouse. Pouncer then grabbed the shrunken Bandit Captain.

“Let’s try the polite route one last time,” said Pouncer. “Where’s your boss?”

The shrunken Bandit Captain managed to muster enough courage to say, “Burn in the Nine Hells!”

“Well, I tried the Nice Way,” said Pouncer. “Now for the Nasty Way.” She lifted the Bandit Captain up, tilted her head, opened her mouth, rather wide, and released the captive. The prisoner screamed, as he fell down the catperson’s throat, the female barbarian closing her mouth, and swallowing hard. She then patted her stomach. “I think he’ll be ready to talk in a while.”

Carl’s mouth was opened in shock. “You just ate him!”

“He was going to kill you,” said Kalo. “Besides, he’s got the HP to survive a few rounds inside of Pouncer. He’ll be ready to talk eventually.”

“Of course, if he doesn’t want to talk, a number of us have access to healing spells, so that we can prolong his punishment,” said Clip-Clop. “That being said, he’s got the blood of several travelers, farmers, and traders on his hands. He Wanted Dead or Alive – just need to bring in his bones, and we’ll be good.”

“So, how long will he be shrunk?” Carl asked.

“A couple of hours,” said Pouncer. “Only gave him a small amount.” She patted her stomach. “Let us know when you’re ready to talk, if you don’t want to be digested.”



It didn’t take the shrunken prisoner too long to decide to talk. Pouncer brought them back up, covered in saliva, and who knew what else. The prisoner was very eager to talk. As a result, Carl learned that the group was after some sort of Dragonborn Bandit Warlord.

“I’m surprised that Zorzar would use a dragonborn as a villain, given that he’s a dragon,” Carl said, as they traveled, the prisoner all tied up, and tossed onto a spot on a cart. “I’m also surprised about the carts.”

“Merchant Background,” said Kel. “That and they are affordable, along with the mules.”

“You seem to be reasonably wealthy,” said Carl. “I mean, most of you seem to be wearing the best armor you can get for your classes.”

“Got very lucky on a loot roll,” said Clicky. He passed Carl a Bag of Holding and several money pouches.

Carl picked up the money pouches, and was surprised at what he saw. He now had 200 Platinum, or 2,000 gold, coins. “You’re very generous.”

“Money’s not really an issue,” said Clicky. “Trick is spending it without getting an army worth of low CR enemies after you.”

“You have a point,” said Carl.

“By the way, only talk to me where the money is concerned – I’m the stereotypical Kenku insofar as the rest of the world is concerned, with mimicking sounds and such,” said Clicky. “I can’t wait for them to change it.”

“Okay,” said Carl. “I’ll keep what you said in mind.”



It was around dusk when they got to a small town, which seemed to be full of humans.

“You get to act as Face for a bit,” said Butterfly. “Humans are more trusting of other humans, if you understand what I’m saying.”

“I think I understand you,” said Carl. “Lower DC for me, or something like that, right?”

“Pretty much,” said Butterfly. “That being said, be careful. There’s supposed to be a vampire in these parts, and I’m not talking about the sort that goes to a blood bank to make a withdrawal, or asks for a cup from someone.”

“Okay,” said Carl. “What do I do if I encounter one?”

“Run to the rest of us,” said Clip-Clop. “Even a CR 13, or 15, being is going to have a tricky time against a party with a dozen level 5 members.”



Soon enough, the prisoner was dropped off, the reward was collected, and the group had rented rooms at the inn for the night.

Carl was walking around. Aside from his daggers, he wasn’t carrying any weapons on him. He wanted to get a feel for the place.

That was when he saw it – a mugging attempt. Oddly enough, the bugger was wearing fine, if black, clothes, including a cape. The victim, a woman, seemed to be wearing lower class clothing.

“Hey!” he said, running over. “You leave her alone!”

The mugger turned, and that’s when Carl realized he’d made a mistake of some sort. The teeth were a big clue.

“You think that you can mess with my feeding on this woman,” the vampire said. “You, a mere human, thinks he can defy Lord Zovan!”

Carl reflected on the times he’d been bullied and pushed around by those bigger and stronger than him, as he glanced at the terrified woman. While he had a feeling that he was about to die, he was willing to take this monster on, if it gave her a chance to escape.

“I can, and I will,” said Carl.

Zovan let the woman go. “Let’s see what you got, mortal. No magic weapons, no magic, especially Holy magic. Your armor is just plain leather. What do you got?”

“This!” Carl rolled a Nat20 as he booted the vampire between the legs, right where the family jewels ought to be.

Zovan collapsed, gasping in pain.

“Well, I’m surprised that worked,” said Carl. He looked at the woman. “I got some friends that might help us.” He grabbed her arm, and both started running.

A moment later, Carl heard a shriek, or a howl. He wasn’t sure, but it gave him a reason to put on an extra burst of speed, as he ran with the woman.

The inn was soon in sight.

“Guys!” he yelled out. “I need help! Got a pissed-off vampire on my tail!”

A window opened, and a moment later, several blasts of magic came through the window.

There was a shriek of pain, somewhere behind Carl. Then arrows started to fly, along with other things.

Carl, and the woman, busted through the inn door, which were then closed by Pouncer and Clicky, who blocked the doorway, with Clip-Clop muttering some kind of spell.

“I see you have friends with Holy magic,” came Zovan’s voice through the door. “Next time, you won’t be so lucky.”

Carl looked through a window, and watched as the vampire shifted into mist, and vanished.

“What did you do to piss him off so badly?” Pouncer asked.

“I kicked him in the family jewels,” said Carl.

Pouncer’s eyes widened. “You kicked him in the nuts?”

Carl nodded.

Pouncer started laughing, as did the other two.

“That’s either the craziest, or bravest, method of dealing with a vampire that I’ve ever heard of,” said Clip-Clop.

The rest came down.

“What’s so funny?” Ripsnout asked.

“This one kicked the vampire in the nuts!” said Pouncer.

At this, the rest of the group burst out in laughter.

“That’s either brave, or crazy,” said Butterfly.

“Well, I didn’t want him to harm her,” Carl said, as he pointed at the woman he’d saved.

“Well, sounds like Brave seems to fit,” said Usk. He came over, and clapped Carl on the shoulder. “Risked your life to save someone in trouble. Not bad at all.”

“I’ve been saved from bullies before,” said Carl. He remembered how he first met Sam.



A group had been bothering him, and had knocked his books out, shoving him to the ground. That was when someone grabbed the biggest one, and slammed them against the lockers.

“Four on one isn’t very fair, unless you’re taking on someone bigger,” a voice said.

Carl looked up, and saw a football player holding the ringleader of the bullies. There were a couple of other football players watching. The bullies decided to run. The football player helped him up, and picked up his books.

“Hey, this looks cool,” they said. “Do you know of a group at school that plays D&D?”

“Looking for one,” said Carl. “I’m Carl.”

“I’m Sam,” the football player said. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Well, thanks for saving me,” said Carl.

“Let me know if you find a group,” said Sam. “I wouldn’t mind trying that game out.”



Carl sighed, as he came back to the present.

“Thinking about something?” Butterfly asked.

“How I first met Sam,” said Carl. “He’s my best friend. He saved my life.”

Ripsnout chuckled. “Maybe we can meet him some day.”



The next day, Carl and the group were out on the road. They soon came to a river, with a broken bridge.

“Well, this won’t be too much of an issue,” said Usk.

“Not for us,” said Shuom. “We’ll do some scouting for a boat.”

“Mind if I come along?” Carl asked.

“Sure thing,” said Usk. “We can search this side first.”

“Alright,” said Carl.



The trio walked for a bit, until they saw a boat. It was a nice one – up to four could fit in it. There was even a nice sign saying, “Return here if borrowed.”

“Either someone is generous, or it’s a trap,” said Carl.

“Doesn’t feel like a trap to me,” said Usk. “Shuom?”

“I don’t sense anything,” the Triton said. “I say we take a chance.”

Carl watched as the pair took their equipment off, and placed them in Bags of Holding. “Um, what about me? My Athletics modifier isn’t that good.”

“If you’re up to it, I could carry you in my stomach,” Usk suggested. “I’ll have no problems swimming with you inside of me.”

“Are you sure about that?” Carl asked.

“Very sure,” said Usk. “Also, with my Natural Armor, I have 17 AC, and thus you should be well protected from harm.”

“Um, what kind of Warlock are you?” Carl asked.

Usk chuckled. “Celestial.”

“So, you can heal me if something goes wrong,” Carl said, releasing a sigh. “Alright.” He removed his outfit and equipment, and then placed them in the Bag of Holding. He then looked at Usk. “This feels kind of weird, standing naked before someone that’s about to eat me.”

Usk chuckled. “It won’t be for long. Just keep still as I swallow you, and try to not squirm too much when me and Shoum start swimming.”

Carl gulped as Usk carefully held his arms to his side with his large reptilian hands.

“It will be alright,” said Usk. “Just try to relax.”

The last thing that Carl saw was the back of Usk’s throat, as the lizard opened his mouth rather wide, and started swallowing him, head first. For a moment, Carl worried that Usk was going to use his tongue to lick him all over, but the lizard just simply kept swallowing him. His legs and feet were soon up in the air, allowing gravity to assist into his decent into Usk’s stomach. A moment later, Carl was, more or less, in the fetal position. He felt some patting.

“You alright in there?” Usk asked. “Give a couple of pats if you’re fine.”

Carl patted the stomach a few times.

“Good,” said Usk. “Give a pounding if you want out.”

Carl then felt movement, and a splash, causing his position to shift, followed by more movement. A moment later, the movement changed, along with his position, as if Usk was now standing upright.

“We’re on the other side,” said Usk. “I’ll let you out now.”

Carl then felt the stomach pressing on him, forcing him upwards, and he soon saw the light of the outside world, as framed by Usk’s teeth. He was soon outside, covered in saliva, and other things.

“Yuck,” he said, as he wiped his hands on some grass. “I don’t think that I want to travel like that any time soon.” He then stepped into a shallow section of the river, and washed himself off. When he came back out, he saw his stuff, and what seemed to be a towel.

“You might want one,” said Usk.

“Um, thanks,” said Carl. “And, um, thanks for not doing anything inappropriate.”

Usk chuckled. “I understand. It takes some folks a while to get used to Deep-Throating, as it were.”

“Alright,” Carl said. “Um, dumb question, how did I taste?”

Usk chuckled, yet again. “Let me know if you want to try again. I’d be up for giving you a more thorough experience.”

They soon got dressed, reequipped, got the boat ready, and started rowing. They soon came to the rest of the group.

“We can take up to four per trip,” said Usk.

“Good to know,” said Ripsnout. “Did you find it on this side?”

“Found it on the other,” said Shoum. “Usk had to swallow Carl to help him across.”

“How did you feel about that?” Ripsnout asked, as he looked at Carl.

“It was okay,” said Carl. “Not in a hurry to do it again.”

“Understood,” said Ripsnout. “It can take some time for those new to it to get used to it.”



Soon enough, the group was on the other side, and the boat was returned. A while later, the group was in another town, everyone sitting in their rooms at the inn, when the next thing Carl knew, they were back in Zorzar’s room.

“Mother’s got some snacks ready for us, if anyone wants them,” said Zorzar.

In addition to the steak pieces, there was what looked to be chocolate cookies.

“Those look good,” Carl said, as he picked one up.

“She got the recipe off the internet,” said Zorzar. “That being said, she doesn’t think that they came out right.”

Carl took a bite, only to immediately spit it out. “Sorry, but, that’s charcoal.” He tried spitting, the taste still on his tongue. “Got anything to drink?”

“Um, here,” said Butterfly., handing him a glass filled with a white liquid. “Try this.”

Carl looked at the liquid. “What is it?”

“It’s milk,” Butterfly said, sheepishly.

Carl took a swallow. His eyes bulged in amazement. He drank some more. “That’s some good milk. What kind is it?”

Butterfly chuckled nervously. “It’s mine. I’ve been lactating recently.”

Carl took a look, and he could see the outlines of some tubes under Butterfly’s outfit, as well as the backpack thing she was wearing. He then looked at her again, and saw that she was embarrassed. Carl then took another swallow. “That’s some very good milk. I wouldn’t mind having more, if you’ll let me have some.” He offered the glass back.

Butterfly gave a shy smile, as she took the glass back. “Thanks for complimenting my milk.”

Carl then heard a voice in his head, which sounded like Kalo.

“Butterfly’s been having some self-image issues ever since that’s started,” the Verdan’s voice said. “We’ve all been trying to cheer her up. I think that you just made yourself quite the friend.”

I hope she doesn’t think that I’m a freak, was Carl’s thought, as he sat down in his chair.

Carl heard a chuckle.

“Doubt it,” said Kalo’s voice. “But, expect to do some other sorts of playing around.”

Carl’s eyes widened at the implications. He gave Butterfly a glance, and saw that she was giving him some rather hopeful eyes.

Oh boy! was his last thought, before the group headed back into the game.



Back in his in-game room, there was a knock on his door. Carefully, Carl walked up to the door.

“Who is it?” he asked.

“It’s me,” came Butterfly’s voice.

Carl opened the door, to see the minotaur standing there. “Is something the matter?”

The Minotaur smiled. “To be honest, there’s an itch that I’m hoping that you’ll be willing to help me scratch.” She then gave him a kiss, and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I’ll make it worth your while.”

Oh boy! Was Carl’s last thought, as Butterfly entered the room, dragging him to the bed.

His next thought was, Best First Session Ever!



“Wow! That was incredible!” Sam said, a few weeks later. “The fighting, the interaction with the NPCs, everything – it all felt real!”

“I hope that’s not the only thing that felt real,” Pouncer said, with a certain smirk.

A blush came to Sam’s face, as everyone, including Carl, started to chuckle. Sam had drunk more than a few doses of Pouncer’s Shrinking Potion, and it was no secret that the two had done more than just play Cat-and-Mouse.

“It was nice to take out that Bandit Warlord,” said Ripsnout.

“You’re telling me,” said Clip-Clop. “Don’t forget all fifty of his friends.”

“And with that, you all reach Level 7,” said Zorzar. “Your characters will reflect this, the next time we play.”

Sam looked at the table. “Say, can you move this thing around?”

“Not really,” said Zorzar. “But, I could get a temporary spell placed on another table. Is there someplace else you want to play at?”

Sam grinned, as he looked at Carl. “I know of a Warforged Bard and a Mountain Dwarf Paladin that could use some revenge.”

A grin came to Carl’s face. “That would be awesome. They still play at Tommy’s place.” He looked at Zorzar. “You up for some fun?”

Zorzar grinned. “Sure thing.”

Carl looked at Sam. “We’ll act like we’re so desperate for a group, they’ll take us in. Then, we’ll invite you guys on over, as folks also looking for a group.” He looked at Zorzar. “Of course, you could act like you’re interested in running something.”

Zorzar grinned. “I’m up for that.”

“Do you think that Tommy would give up being a DM to let Zorzar DM?” Sam asked.

Carl grinned. “Yep.” He looked at Zorzar. “You take over, add your spell, give us access to all the books and such, and we’ll see what happens.”

“Sounds like fun,” Zorzar said, with a wicked grin.



A couple of days later, Carl and Sam pulled up to the house.

“You up for this?” Sam asked.

“After everything I’ve been through, Tommy’s group will be in for a surprise,” said Carl.

The two got out of the car, walked up to the door, and knocked.

The door opened. “So, you’ve come crawling back,” Tommy said.

There were easily a half dozen others, all snickering, and one person looking like they wished that they were anywhere but there. Sam and Carl didn’t recognize him.

“Something like that,” said Sam. His cellphone rang. “Hey baby. Yep, Tommy’s got a game on.”

“Got a girlfriend, finally?” Tommy asked.

“None of your business,” said Sam.

Carl went over to the unhappy player. “First time playing?”

The new player nodded. “I wanted to play as an archer-type of paladin, but they don’t want a do-gooder messing things up for them. I’ve tried to stop them killing shopkeepers and such, but I keep getting beat up by them, in-game.”

Carl grinned. “Rescue is close. Don’t know about you ending up as a Paladin, but I got a buddy that might help you out with something.”

“What’s that?” Tommy asked.

“Oh, me and Sam encountered a guy that’s looking for a group,” said Carl. “Mind if I call him up?”

“Sure, bring another loser to the table,” said Tommy. “We’ll see how long he lasts.”

Sam chuckled as he sat down. “We’ll see how long you last.”

“What?” Tommy asked.

Sam grinned. “Nothing.”

“Yo, Zorzar,” Carl said. “Yeah, that Tommy guy I told you about has a game on. What? Oh, sure. Bring them along too.”

“Bring who along?” Tommy asked.

“Oh, just a bunch of losers,” Sam said, just as the door opened.

“Heard that there was a game being played,” Zorzar said, as the dragon entered the house, along with the rest of the group. The dragon looked at Tommy. “Mind if I DM a spell? You look like you want to partake in some of the player-stuff for a bit.”

Tommy looked at Sam and Carl. “You got some freaks as friends I see.”

Zorzar smiled, as he set a large d20 on the table. “Let’s see how well you play.” He pulled out some character sheets.

“Well, I want to be an Oathbreaker Paladin,” said Tommy.

Zorzar grinned. “Your character will be based on you,” he said, as the rest pulled out character sheets, and went into a trance-like state.

“What’s going on?” the new player asked, as he looked at the table.

Tommy looked, and saw that there was now a forest, with images of the others, save for his players, in Adventuring gear.

“Special Effects,” said Carl. “Completely Safe.”

“Yep,” Sam said, as he pulled out a Character Sheet, which flashed quickly. “Very safe.” He too fell into the trance-like state.

Carl looked at the rest. “Are you guys chicken? Bwak Bwak?”

The others, not wanting to be called chicken, pulled Character Sheets, as did Tommy, and the new kid, who saw a friendly smile on Zorzar’s face, as his sheet flashed.



Tommy and his group awoke with a groan, as they found themselves in a forest, wearing adventuring gear.

The new player looked himself over. “Wow! This is some cool armor!”

Carl walked over to him. “Check your right wrist.” He looked at the others. Same with you.”

“What gives?” Tommy asked. “I wanted to be an Oathbreaker Paladin, not some lame Champion Fighter.”

“Don’t knock the Champion,” Sam said, as he walked up. He looked at the new kid. “What about you?”

The kid’s eyes widened. “Oath of Devotion Paladin, slash Arcane Archer Fighter!”

Sam grinned. “Sounds like a fun combination.”

The other members of Zorzar’s playing group showed up.

“Time to Roll for Initiative,” said Carl. He looked at the new kid. “Imagine the dice you need are in your left hand, and shake it. Then, release.”

“What’s going on?” Tommy asked.

By this point, the other of his group had checked themselves. They were all magicless sorts.

Sam grinned. “Simple, your group is wanted for multiple crimes of murder and mayhem across the world, with a nice bounty on your heads.” He threw his dice, and a 22 came up. “Your turn to try.”

Tommy rolled a 1, which became a 0.

“This is going to be fun,” Carl said, as the rest rolled their dice, most getting 15 or better. “Your turn kid.”

The new kid rolled. A 17 came up.

All of Tommy’s group rolled below a 10.

“Remember,” came Zorzar’s voice. “Their Bounty is only good alive.”

“We’re going to have some fun toying with them,” Pouncer said, as she brandished her axe.

“That we are,” said Butterfly.

It didn’t take Sam and Carl’s group long to knock Tommy’s group out.



When Tommy and his group came to, they found themselves tied up in sinew, without gear, looking up at a giant Pouncer, Usk, and Huntor. Pouncer had a bottle in her hands.

“In case you don’t know, this is a Shrinking Potion,” said Pouncer, as Huntor picked Tommy up. “You’re the size of mice to us. And cats and lizards love to eat mice.”

Tommy gave a scream as he was tossed into the lion-person’s mouth. The rest of the group soon followed, down one throat or another.



“Will they be alright?” the new kid asked, as he watched the trio’s feast.

Carl chuckled. “They’ll be safe enough. Those three are using Stomach Protection Mood at the moment. Also, they have a very high AC, making them safe from harm. They’ll be let out in a bit.”

“Say, what’s your name?” Sam asked.

“It’s Richard,” the young man asked.

“You’re welcome to join our group after this,” said Butterfly, as she came over. “You’ll even keep this guy.”

“Cool,” said Richard. “What about them?”

Sam grinned. “They’ll know what defeat tastes like.”

“Saliva and other things,” said Carl.

“This sounds like an interesting group,” said Richard. “I’ll join.”

Sam slapped him on the back. “That’s the spirit. Wait until you get your actual gear. Zorzar limited us to, more or less, the base stuff, but trust me when I tell you how much I like my Adamantine Gauntlets. Then there’s the +3 armor, shields, weapons, and all the other things they can do.”

“It’s a tough game, but lots of fun,” said Carl.

“Sounds cool,” said Richard.

“Then there’s the other benefits,” said Sam. “But, for now, let’s enjoy listening to Tommy and his group scream, because they don’t want to get digested, because someone is casting an illusion or two making them think that’s what’s going on.”

Richard grinned. “I’m up for that. They put my guy through a rough time.”

They then walked over to the trio, who had laid down to rest, where the others were also resting.

“This sucks!” came Tommy’s voice, causing Sam and Carl to start laughing. They were enjoying themselves, and were looking forward to more fun with their new friends and party members.