Dissociated Thoughts

Life: At It Again

Just when I think I'm getting a handle on things, something happens to turn everything on its head again. I'm not one for a lot of change. I like things simple, almost predictable. Complications are distractions, uncomfortable and many times anxiety provoking. The world in recent times has drained me mentally. Dissention and fighting amongst everyone, uncertain times, and this whole state in which the U.S. has mired itself have resulted in a lack of zeal about life. I fall asleep early and prefer it if I could just hibernate until things settle down a bit. Hey, I'm an adult. I know I can't do that. I have a job to work at, bills to pay, responsibilities to meet. So I wake up, go to work, come home, and go back to sleep. In my dreams, I'm not bombarded by the insanity. But waking life has still become too much to handle.

Maybe it's because I'm an empath. Everyone else's emotions affect me directly and there's just too much negativity going around and not nearly enough of the positive and I can't seem to distance myself and my emotions from the influence of other people's lives and drama, try as I might. If only there was a way to put me in a stupor, to decrease my awareness to the point of being oblivious... But wait! There is! It just doesn't help when life's curve balls hit me all at once.

Physically and medically, I'm doing great (as far as I know). All the doctors' tests have come back looking good. So here I am. I'm finally fully able to enjoy life again and additional circumstances work to keep me down. My daughter lives in a dope house and refuses family visits to see the new baby - but she sends loads of pictures. We are stressed about the immigration issues in the US (my husband is Canadian but has permanent residency in the US) and what it means to us. My grandma's health has taken a downturn. And as the icing on the recent shit cake that I call my life, my favorite aunt (everyone has a favorite right?) was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given less than a year to live.

It's hard to celebrate to good things when the bad seems to overwhelm. Maybe I'm just being a Negative Nellie, I'm too close to the situation to tell.

So, I pray. And I work, and I pray. Work keeps my mind occupied for a while each day. The constant stream of people coming in and out of the store keeps my mind focused on things other than my personal issues. I'll probably work myself into my own early grave, but then, life will be someone else's problem.