Journal/Blog

01-20-22 The Order of Chaos

I woke up this morning and found myself pondering chaos.

It felt like my life was filled with it. Laying there, trying to get back to sleep or at least relax for another hour or so, my body rested somewhat while my mind refused to settle down. I tried a few mental exercises to try and convince my brain that it should agree with me about the relaxing part, but it just wouldn't have it.

So, I went with it. Sometimes it's not worth the energy spent to go against the grain than just ride with it.

Everything I thought about seemed chaotic. From the small details of my life to the ones of the world at large. I felt like everything was whirling around and as soon as I tried to concentrate on one piece, it spun off and something else came into view. It was frustrating, disorienting and well, annoying to be honest.

I like to make order out of chaos. It's something I tend to be good at and enjoy.

Now, I'm not talking about being OCD or something like that. In fact, taking a glance at my life, it would be easy to see that I am not that.

No, what I'm talking about is more fluid. I actually pride myself on being flexible (well, mentally at least! ). Normally, I don't mind chaos, in fact, a lot of the time, I thrive on it. Give me a load of laundry to put in order. A basin full of dirty dishes to clean. An evening where everyone has tasks and responsibilities to complete before we can all settle down together. A classroom full of rambunctious kids that have anything but learning on their minds.

All of those things give me the opportunity to wade in and start organizing, and I don't just force things.

I like to find the flow that works best for everyone (if possible). Laundry doesn't have to be folded the same every time. Dishes can soak so they are easier to get clean. I get everyone settled (or driven to) where they need to be so they can complete their stuff and then make sure we are all back together, tasks done and have some time to enjoy whatever part of the evening that we can before bed. Students respond to individual attention, but also the ability to work in (productive) groups. They also appreciate a little bit of time to just talk and not have it be all work all the time - I mean who doesn't?

It's all a balance, like a beautiful never ending unrehearsed dance where the beat will always be shifting to whatever meets the needs of the moment. And usually, I love it. Love being immersed in it. But most recently, there have been a few occurrences right on top of one another that have worn me down, worn me out. And I'm tired.

So, how do I handle that then? In the past, I would have just added more and more stress and tried harder. That most definitely does NOT work anymore. Not that it ever really did, right? Yeah.

The reality is that... order is chaotic, and chaos is in itself a kind of order.

The events that have happened recently that seem to have knocked me off my so-called balance aren't anything out of the ordinary. They are what I would term 'big' events that just have happened to coincide together. Some good, some bad. The events won't change. It's me that has to adjust. Oh, boy. Yeah, there's the underlying reality that I want to slap away and give dirty looks. The woman that claims to be flexible is now growling at the fact that she has to be... flexible. Ha, ha. Very funny, life. You got me.

I have to quote something from a Marvel movie now. (Granted, I love those movies, but I don't put stock in that it was in a Marvel movie. I just take words for what they are regardless of where I find them, which is why I really loved this line.) In "Avengers, Age of Ultron", at the end, part of what Vision says is this, "Humans are odd. They think order and chaos are somehow opposites and... try to control what won't be."

For many of us, me included, order is what feels right. It comforts us and makes us feel more secure. Thinking that we can organize and create order where there initially doesn't seem to be any, makes us feel in control of what's happening... when in reality, control like that simply does not exist. Somewhere along the way, I have forgotten that part. I've become more complacent with thinking that by influencing certain situations, I am actually orchestrating them.

I'm not. I know that. I've known that all along. I just needed to remember it and accept it again. A little easier said than done, but I've got this.

Like a bird rides the wind and dolphins ride the waves, I can be fluid and adjust course as needed. I can't see what's coming, but I can choose how to deal with it once it's here. And recognition of that reality, reminding myself of it, is what will help me regain my ever-shifting place of 'balance'.