Porthole

2nd week of 180 B.E.

2.เมษายน.2566

Bus left Ubon (11:30) arrived before 19:00 in Udon. Long trip. No drama. Rain poured around Khon Kaen.

Seats 1 & 2. Bus was rarely full.

Took a taxi home. Pan had quite a bit to carry.

Michael's wisdom: friends come and go. (Note: reminded me of traveling. I usually stay in hostels and friendships are ephemeral). Michael (from Bavaria) is married to a Thai from Khorat. They live in Germany. He was quite gentle about how it's not easy. Family obligations, et cetera...

1.เมษายน.2566

A wat-ing we will go. Rambled with Fabrice and Cassandre. Lovely time. Pannya worked and got back to the hotel late. Saw photo of the flood last November. It almost reached the hostel. Lots of photos. Pannya came back late (over-slept) and we walked along the river.

31.มีนาคม.2566

I went to Wat Luang next door. A bit warm today so I'm inside but I need to go out again soon.

Spoke French yesterday and today.

30.มีนาคม.2566

No sleep for either of us. Caught 08:30 bus from Udon to Ubon. Made an ass out of myself. 12:00 Maha Sarakam. 14:00 Yasathorn. 15:30+ Udon. Puppy picked us up. Shopping. Ate at Lak Nom Sod. Lovely place.

29.มีนาคม.2566

33 at noon. AQI of 62 (not bad but can barely see clouds through the smoke-haze). Threat of rain... a promise?

Pannya is sleeping. He made breakfast for me and lay done again. *sigh* I understand the lack of energy but long-term this isn't good.

I'm feeling weak as well.

<40 words:

Happiness: No worries, no obsessing about the could'ves, would'ves, should'ves, letting go of balloons to pursue their dreams, walking through the dappled days of reality, feet to the ground, embracing small miracles along the way. 34w

Sadness: Once again, the letting go, the grieving, your hand slipping out of mine, your heart beating out of time, stopped forever. Greatest sadness? No. Stepping on an ant. Not watering a plant. Not asking you to marry me. 38w

I deserve: No more, no less. I've been cursed and blessed. Didn't deserve either. Grace and mercy, the kindness of strangers, the virtues that elude me, vanity staring back from the mirror whispering: let go. 33w

Our Love: Your leg traps me, your arms hug, your body keeps me warm. In love? In lust? Or just two lost pieces of the puzzle hooking up. Do I dare let go? Out of time and space, each moment matters in this place. 41w

Spring: Heat and smoke give way to wind and rain. Snow melts under an unrelenting sun. What remains in Isan, or Montana, if not the mud that covers us, ushers in the change of seasons, this letting go. 38w

28.มีนาคม.2566

It threatened to rain. Pannya met up with a friend and then we went to the vegetable market.

Earlier, last day at class. Said goodbye. Took photos.

Stephanie, Mieuw, Suwai had good ideas as usual. I will miss them.

I think I understand our rental contract now. It goes through November of this year. It's paid through June.

I'm unhappy with myself over a silly matter that doesn't even matter. My brain works against me at times.

My arm, my leg, my feet, my back, my skin are doing better.

Nothing written, and now it's late,

27.มีนาคม.2566

I'm really worn out. I need to study and can't focus. My brain is fuzzy. It's a hot choke-smoke day outside.

Pannya is animated today but I still need to know what's going on and I don't have the oomph to make him tell me.

I'm somewhat depressed as well.

To Dianne: "My boyfriend was zoned out for 8 hours yesterday. I made him sip water, guided him to bed, checked on him hourly to wipe his face with a damp towel. He refused to speak or interact. He took his happy pills today. All better; but, I'm bitter because he won't explain what's going on. I suspect it's bi-polar or schizophrenia. I do what I can.

I could just walk away... but, that's a high price to pay. "

At 14:30 ... It's 40°C (104°F) and the air quality is very poor (135 here in Udon Thani, 398 in Chiang Rai). I don't dare go outside until evening. I feel trapped.

Growing up I disliked the steam of summer and the freeze of winter. I would read. Now? Social media... but it's addictive.

Weather matters to some of us. It matters even more to the poor (and homeless, been there). We are fortunate enough to have a/c.

I need to focus and study for class tomorrow... but I'm struggling.

I should thank everyone who has seen my photos posted on facebook. Double thanks to those who commented. I only post on the Newsfeed because few read my blah-blah blog and fewer read my recent writings and very few ever comment. Yes, this depresses me. I live for connections and Montana is failing me, Thailand is failing me, WdC is failing me. So, I deal with a daily double-dose of disappointment and try not to get too depressed.

What would help? Any interaction here, there or elsewhere.

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