Perpetual Ruminations

Turn the Boat!

This is written for "Note: June 18 is Father's Day. Repl..."

Years ago my dad purchased a used boat. None of us had much experience with boats at this time, including my dad, but we learned. Some lessons were learned the hard way.

Shortly after getting the boat, my dad, my next older brother, and I went out to do a bit of fishing on a local lake. We weren't having a lot of luck, so we moved often trying to find the elusive fish.

My dad had brought a big thermos of coffee and after a few cups discovered that he had to empty his bladder. By this time, we were fishing by a small stream that was flowing into the lake. My dad had the motor in neutral at the time and we were just drifting slowly with the current, close to shore.

We were about ten feet from the shoreline, which was somewhat hidden by very tall weeds. My dad told my older brother to steer the boat so he could relieve himself. He stepped up on the front of the boat and just as he began urinating, the tall weeds and grass vanished.

We had drifted in front of someone's home and it looked like there was a reunion taking place. Yes, the front of the boat was pointed towards at least fifty or more people engaged in volleyball, grilling, kids running in the sand, etc....

No one had yet noticed our boat quietly drifting past them with my dad peeing off the front in full view, but it was only a matter of time. Desperate not to be discovered, he turned to my brother and whispered, "Steer the boat."

"What?"

A little louder, "Turn the boat around!"

"I can't hear you, those people are making too much noise."

My dad had quite a temper, and very few patients, and the first had now been fueled the second had run out. In a loud voice, "Turn the damn boat around!"

Everyone turned to look at our boat and the load yelling. Still about ten feet from shore, still facing them, and still peeing, my dad was turning bright red. My brother turned the steering wheel one way, then the other, but the boat did not respond.

"Damnit put the boat in reverse, turn the damned wheel and get me the hell out of here!"

My brother did just that, he pulled back on the shifter/throttle to put the boat in reverse, cranked the wheel to turn the boat, and in horror, watched as my dad, still standing in the front, still relieving himself, toppled right into the lake as we backed away.

Luckily, my brother stopped the boat, and being a good swimmer, my dad soon reached the side, clambered over, and was back in the boat. Bad luck had followed him, as he climbed over the side, his pants dropped and of course, that was the side facing the group of hysterically laughing people, some of whom now actually fell down because they were laughing so loud.

My dad quickly took control of the boat and we were soon speeding back across the lake to the boat landing. I had never seen him land, load, and leave a lake so quickly before or after that day. We never returned to that lake, and the next time we took the boat out, everyone had a lesson in driving the boat. Oh, and we always had a bucket in the boat after that dreadful day.

In my and my brother's defense, I should add that I was around twelve and he was around fourteen.