My Conversion Story Journal

July 15, 2023

Every sabbath I am learning more and adding to the sabbath rituals. This sabbath I learned about the kiddush cup and prayer. I have not done this yet (obviously) but am looking forward to doing it next sabbath. I don't (and probably won't for a while) have a kiddush cup, but I'm hoping to start to do things in the right order and include all the prayers, blessings, and rituals. I still don't know how to pe=repare without opening the fridge. I also had all the light on when I started sabbath, but my daughter A2 came home late and turned them all off. Even after I talked to her about how they needed to stay on because we do not kindle a flame on the sabbath, she kept turning them off. Even the cat (who knows how, but that's a whole other story) kept turning off lights. My daughter D and her husband came over and kept turning off the kitchen light. It was frustrating. I just wonder if I'm ever going to get it right. No, I know I will, because I know Hashem has brought me to this and will not give up on me. He knows that I am slow to catch on and screw up at first repeatedly, and that I am trying to teach my children as I am learning.

I love where I have the candles placed. I don't use the kitchen table because I need a smaller one for the size of my apartment so I don't have them on the table. My candles are just small battery operated tea lights but they stay lit all Sabbath. When I look at them, I feel my connection to Hashem. I feel hope, encouragement, and restoration. And it's nice not to be able to screw something up! My daughter A1 left them lit when I was there and I know my other girls enjoyed them also. All of my girls have had a chance to experience part of the sabbath rituals. There is a magical presence that they have and I love that I can see them no matter where I am (almost) in my apartment.

My youngest, A2, is still angry that I won't drive her t work on Saturday or pick her up from work Friday night. I know I can't force her to observe the sabbath with me (she is an adult), but her disrespectful behavior is quite disheartening.

I do feel like I am starting to get the blessings (bruchas) and morning and night time prayers down. I still forget (or get too busy and its too late after) to do the after meals blessing every time. Not that I've never done it. I've never prayed after having a meal and it still feels a little backwards, even though I know it's not backwards. I still have to ask forgiveness for my forgetfulness way too often.

My Hebrew is getting a lot better though. I can read most words and am conjugating verbs. I am able to read more prayers and am getting faster at reading them and sounding them out. It also is not taking so much brain power that it hurts either! I'm very happy about that.