Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

The Power of Accountability

I am thankful to a lot of people, both here at WdC and my life in general. There are too many to name right now, but I want to acknowledge some of those who have stood by me, supported me and have never given up on me...even in those moments when I had given up on myself.

First of all, I want to thank Hummingbird...both in my personal life and online...without you, I would have been lost long ago.
Also, a huge thank you to WakeUpAndLive...a long time ago you took me under your wing and taught me so much...you were the one who encouraged me to start blogging and gave me the name...for that and your unending support, I am eternally grateful.
JustLeJenD...you are my rock when things aren't going so well...thank you for always being there.
Thank you also Dog, Shadow Prowler, Stik's on a Boat, Wordsmitty, Kare Enga, Sumojo, QPdoll, ruwth, Lilli, Schnujo, Hard Bop Macaroni and Benjamin Black (even if we no longer talk regularly), Prosperous Snow and Naomi (for your generosity in reviewing my work) and everyone else who reads (and my Tuesday group, who don't) my blog...thank you.

It was WakeUpAnd Live who emphasised to me the importance of being accountable. At the time, I was struggling (and the fact of the matter is, I still am). I couldn't see then just how important the shield that accountability provides would end up being...that was until today.

I sometimes have premonitions. It's not like I can predict things that are going to happen, but at times, I get these feelings that either through universal knowledge or coincidence, come to be. Two days ago my blog post mentioned the doorbell ringing and my fear and anxiety of what I would have done if it was a dealer. I've blocked from my phone anyone who could bring me to temptation. The problem with that is, I still get a notification, and the message simply gets put into an easily accessible blocked file.

Today I got a message from a dealer asking me the question..."Did I want anything?"

I knew as soon as I saw 'blocked message' that it would be someone I didn't want to speak to. But we all know that is almost impossible to ignore, and in that instant, thoughts of using raced through my body. My mind screamed at me, "NO!" But a massive surge of adrenaline made any logical assessment of the reality of what I was considering, extremely difficult. My heart was racing, my palms began to sweat and for a few minutes, I held my phone in my hand in a state of virtual panic.

Several times, I went to message her back to arrange a meeting, but each time, something made me stop. The shield of accountability that everyone in my life, youself included, has placed over me in order to protect me and ward off relapse, worked. And now that the adrenaline has dissipated and logic has assumed its rightful position in my mind, I feel more relieved than proud. I know I should be proud of myself. I passed the test...be it a little shakily, but a pass is a pass. And when it comes down to the fact that if I had given in to temptation no one knows what might have come, even death, is why I am expressing so much gratitude to everyone who has been there in the past and are here today.

Because in those moments of terror, whilst holding that phone in hand, it was everyone who had shown me love and care that my thoughts went to. I don't want to say that I chose not to use drugs today BECAUSE of you, but you were there and as much as I didn't want to let myself down, I didn't want to let you down either. And who knows...you might have saved my life just by clicking and reading this blog. That is profound, and I hope you understand that is not some BS talk...that is a fact.

In group on Tuesday, I was asked by Katie to speak directly to the group about what I would have said if that doorbell chime wasn't Ash and Tamara, but was instead, a dealer. Two posts ago, my fantasy was to tell the dealer to fuck off and never set foot on my property again, and I think everyone would expect me to say something like that to the dealer who messaged me today. But the fact of the matter is, the person who messaged me today is not evil, and even though she would, if I allowed her, take advantage of my addiction, she herself is an addict and is no better or worse than I am.

And so, my reply to her message was simple. No thanks. She responded with, "No worries"...and then asked how I have been. I pondered this for a few moments before replying...and I quote (bar leaving her name out)...

"I've been really good. Before I saw you six weeks ago, I hadn't used in 3 months, and I haven't had anything since.
Except for that one week, I've trained every day. I'm still seeing my Counsellor, so everything is looking up for me. I own my own home now and don't owe a cent to anyone, so choosing to continue to do shit would be madness.
I hope all is well with you. I know that you are a good person and one day soon, you will make the same decision as I have.
Good luck with everything"...unquote.

Addiction still plagues me, so for me to judge, abuse or try to make others who are addicts feel bad is not helping anyone, not even me.