My Conversion Story Journal

October 23, 2023

Have you ever been set up on a date? I saw two people set up during a luncheon on Saturday. I don't know if it was intentional, but it sure seemed like it. I knew when both people showed up with their mothers. I wasn't sure if I should be there, but I'm sure I was invited for a reason.

There was a lot of flirting going on, blushed cheeks, conversation, and a tiny bit of alcohol. The guy was no subtle about his attraction. He asked her mom about marrying her when she got up to go to the bathroom. Her mom shot him down, BUT she offered a friend of hers that was ready to get married. I felt bad for him because they obviously shared an attraction.

I did agree that they were in different stages of their lives, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. That is how we learn from one another. I think he would take good care of her while she finished school. However, I am not her mother and have no say in their relationship. Knowing that is not the first time that she has been set up, I think she is goin to be able to choose the perfect man for her. Perhaps when she lets go of her dream guy (don't we all have one?) and becomes open to the possibility of love with another person.

My Hebrew lessons have been going well. I am starting to get past the point of recognizing some words as I read. That, of course, is thanks to GZ. He is an amazing teacher, and I know I couldn't be doing this journey without him. He is very patient. I don't enjoy hearing myself read, but he encourages me and reinforces what he knows that I have learned to push me further. If you would like to hear his robot voice (scripted voice) check out his YouTube channel. I am even in a couple of the videos.
https://www.youtube.com/@LearnHebrewSchool

I still got frustrated with myself again when it came time for a couple prayers at shul. I know I should be patient with myself, but there are a couple places that I need to be able to speak fast and read fast, and I can't. My response is still, "What she said!" It's frustrating. I feel dumb. I freeze when it comes to these specific parts and everything around me just becomes noise. I'm not sure why, but instead of being too hard on myself, I am going to take L's advice and focus on one prayer and master it and then go on to the next.

It is my goal to be able to wake up in the morning and say the morning blessings in Hebrew instead of reading through them in English. This should be a good place to start because they all start the same and it only leaves me with a few words to say that I don't already know. When I get them down, I will work on the Shema. Then I will work on my bedtime prayer in Hebrew. When I can start every morning with prayer in Hebrew and end every day with prayer in Hebrew, then I think I can work on the service and not be frustrated or flustered around others while learning the service in Hebrew. The prayers I pray in home when it is just me and Hashem should come first, because that is the point of this whole conversion, getting closer to Hashem.

Days and weeks can be stressful and tough, but when I read a prayer, pray a prayer in English or partly in Hebrew, when I light the Shabbat candles, when I read through a verse in Hebrew, when I have a short conversation (even a couple words) in Hebrew, when I bless the food before and after I eat, when make sure what I'm eating is kosher, when read the Torah, when I read Tehillim, when I learn Isaiah, when I do one of the many things that have become a life immersed in Hashem, I feel a peace that I have never felt. I feel a closeness with G-d that I have never felt. I feel like the me that has always been trying to get out and didn't know how. How could I want any other life than this?

I am so blessed to have brought to this point on this day. Baruch Hashem.