Complex Numbers

Butt Of Course

As luck would have it, we get another Cracked link today. I don't really know why I saved this to my queue other than thinking, "You know what my blog needs more of? Juvenile cringe humor."

    5 Horrible Things That Happened to People’s Butts  

These are, of course, horrible, and not humorous at all.

Stories tell of a boy in China who was impaled by an office chair. This chair was powered by a gas cylinder, and the cylinder exploded in 2009, blasting metal up his butt and killing him.

Could have been worse. Could have been a couple inches forward and not killed him.

We don’t want to spend too much time on that story, on the technicality that it’s likely completely made-up.

Almost certainly an urban legend, but you just checked your office chair, didn't you?

5. Bullion, Milk and Whiskey Up the Butt

I will admit to being somewhere in adulthood before I realized that bullion and bouillon were two different things. So I understand getting it wrong Both words come from the same root, a French word that translates to "boil," meaning like heating something to the point that liquid starts to turn into gas, not the painful pimply thing you get on your butt.

Had to relate it to butts somehow, in honor of the article.

Point being, they stuffed bouillon up the butt in question, not bullion, which would have made it harder to insert the milk and whiskey. Editing is dead. (The text in this section gets the spelling right.)

President James Garfield died in 1881, after an escaped lunatic shot him in the arm and back... He died, historians now say, not just from the bullets but from how the doctors treated him.

I'd heard this before, but purposely avoided all the details... until now.

They shoved liquified food up his butt — beef bouillon, eggs and milk, along with whiskey and opium. They couldn’t let him eat, they said, because the bullet might have perforated his intestines (it really hadn't).

See? They got "bouillon" right there, but made up for it by misspelling "liquefied." (In fairness, that might be an alternate spelling and not an incorrect one.)

As a final note on this, let's not take this to mean "don't trust medical science." I mean, sure, don't trust 19th-century medicine; we might have advanced somewhat in that area since 1881.

4. Bitten by Your Own Attack Dog

I can't do this one justice (pun intended, but you'll only get it if you read the actual link); you'll have to see the article.

3. Filled With Compressed Air

No, not the way you're thinking.

McCormack didn’t wind up with a hose nozzle up his anus through debatable means. McCormack fell on a hose, and the fitting ripped through the muscle of one buttock, which is an experience no one would desire.

I don't know about that; it's probably a whole subgenre of paraphilia.

This was a compressed air hose, connected to the brakes in his truck, and the air now flowed through the hose, entering the man.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

He felt like he were blowing up like a balloon. But he survived, and he’s now available for interviews about how the working class is dealing with inflation.

Oh, that's right: that one line is the actual reason I saved this article in my queue. I'm mad that I didn't think of it first.

2. Water Ski Douche

No.

But it only gets worse:

1. Cooked as Steaks and Fed to Children

Someone's been reading too much Brothers Grimm.

Knight went on to be the first woman in Australia to be sentenced to life without parole. Authorities have no firm advice on how to stop something like this from happening again.

I have some, hard-won from personal experience:

1) Don't go to continent/island/countries where it's well-known that everything, including scorned lovers, is out to kill you;

2) Don't stick it in crazy.