It matters becuase?...

So what am I, exactally?

A Libra, a Raven, and a Rabbit (by zodiac, Native American Totem Animal, and Chinese zodiac, respectivly) I'm balanced, fair... Dark, mysterious, psychically adept... Shy, but strong on the inside... all of this true.

I may not be the outgoing, bloodthirsty, justice seeking, butt-kicking Bad-ass Shadow Jedi that I always RPG with, but Anaka Daragon is so highly based on me, that it's not funny.

Anakalyra Kyreni su Daragon of Gyea was a pacifist, an intelligent Jedi appreticed to her father, until she was seven and her world flipped over. From there, she slowly de-sensitized and grew seperate from her soul... Anger and hatred controlling her. She met her brothers, went through a couple boyfriends etc... and found herself.. becoming a Shadow Jedi, not quite light, not quite dark.

If only it were that simple...

Anaka is now lost in a whirl of confusion. She is no longer the creul hearted Sith.. but she can never be the romantic pacifistic Jedi again. so.. I guess in a way, by RPGing, I let my story play out for me.

Once a lover, once a fighter... Now I can't be either. Both sides scream at me to be heard. Kiss them, kill them, Hold them close, push them away. Somewhere, I know the true Cera is lurking. But what is playing out for my friends and boyfriend now? Is it the Lover? The Fighter? or some strange comprimise?

Stopping to think about it.. My thoughts get so jumbled up... I guess that's what my friend, Dacia, should explain to me. I'm such an idiot to think that, after all this time, I could actually have found the peace I have been looking for since I was five.

does that mean that the death I sought for the past few years will come back to haunt me? I hope not... For once, Life has a meaning in my friends, my love, even my family has stopped warring! It's like, suddenly, everything is pulling together.

I alwasy heard that eighth grade is the best.. Well, It truly has been for me.
1) Dumped an asshole for a guyfriend... and actually found someone I really did love
2) I've actually got friends now! I still can't get over that fact.. after so many years alone, i guess it's all I can do to keep from yelling my joy
3)My family stopped feuding.. my parent's are finally getting along.. they can talk now. my father is no longer an alchoholic, so what if my brothers are still overly violent? I can deal with that later.
4) I have a religion I actually believe in.... Now if I could just break it to my mom without her killing me...
5) Did I mention my great boyfriend and best friend? So what if they both drive me nuts.
6) I'm being more of myself than I have been in a long while.. and IT"S GREAT!!!

Yes.. life is certainly better... I may suffer horrible bouts of depression and pain... but it's much better than it once was...

If only I didn't feel so strange actually writing a journal....