It matters becuase?...

Falling...

It's all falling apart, bit by tiny f***ing bit. I thought that the next time I wrote, it would be to say 'Life is as close to normal as it gets'. Instead, I have to pour my heart out to a cold f***ing screen and hope somehow that things get better.

I guess i should recap over the last few days, seeings as I haven't written.

Uh... 22... Wenseday? Final Exam.... Blah... Same thing Thursday... Friday, I went and saw Ep 2 again with some friends... Came home... Crawled into bed and realized 'Holy shit, I'm a freshman, now... I have less than four years to get my act together and apply for college... and then what?'

I guess most people aren't as scared as this prospect as I was then. Looking at how Brilliant, I mean it, for a bunch of wacked out drunks, we're an intelligent family, But we all screwed up somehow or another, and wound up getting screwed for the rest of all time.

How can I avoid doing that? How can I avoid causing my family any more pain and suffering?

It wasn't 24 hours ago that i was laughing and screwing around with my friends. Now I'm sitting here, with tears in my heart, my eyes staring at the floor, my lips trying to comfort my youngest brother, my ears not believing all the shit I'm saying, and my fingers flying across the keyboard, trying to sort out my thoughts.

I always did write better when i was depressed...

Dad and my other brother left... I don't know what My Dad's problem is!!! He and Mom were finally, FINALLY seeming to work things out... It's all gone, now... All screwed up. Flushed down the f***ing toilet.

To top it off, some good friends, I have a good chance of not seeing ever again. That hurts, It really does. After all these years, Im finally feeling safe enough to let my guard drop, to talk to people... And something goes and I reflexivly withdraw from those I care about, From those I love like Family!!

It's just not WORKING OUT!!!

Long ago I used the analogy of slipping down an oiled rope into the pits of Hell. Now that I practically rule Hell, I fall into something deeper... Something even worse...

And again, I feel trapped, even though I know i should be scared out of my wits. But this time, I've lost the ability to scream, to cry, even to feel the fear that's tightened around my heart.

And all the while, I'm Falling..... Falling into an abyss unknown to mere, blissful mortals...