I knew this would happen...

remembering

maybe I shouldn't have read those most recent two entries before I began this one. I had no idea I was that angry. I guess I am in the sad stage now, it has been a week today. Then again that statement is not quite accurate. Although he was not here on the Sunday all this went down, he was here on Monday, Tuesday and, after I called him on Wednesday night and reminded him it was my birthday that day, he was here Wednesday night too. And I have not seen him since Thursday morning when I left for work.

On the one hand, it has only been two days since I have seen him I guess... then on the other, he has been here every single night for weeks, so it seems like forever to me since he has been here. I never got tired of him, never wished he would just go, well, that is untrue of the days he has been here since Sunday last week. Trust is such an important, intricate and delicate thing. Monday seemed like make up sex to me, a little rougher than usual, that rugged sort of grunting sex. Tuesday I was uncomfortable with him being there since he had taken all his things on Sunday when he left, and left the key behind... I just thought the couple of things that he had left here would remain for the odd time he was here, he did mention he may just need some time. Anyway, when I got home from work on Tuesday, everything was gone, his dirty clothes were on the floor, but everything else was gone. So then I see, that he is still leaving me, that he has his mind made up and he is going.

So I ask him, is this one of those friendships with benefits that I have heard him refer to before? We'll talk about it later... of course we will. So far he has been refered to as my boy toy, eye candy, and my fuck friend. So is it bad to fuck a friend? as if... how can I write that as small and tight as it would feel if I had to say it.

This is so unfortunate, I have never had a love like this before, unless you count my first love in high school, but aren't all first loves all consuming like that? But a man, whose faults I would see, and see past. Focus on it, decide if it is something that is going to start to irritate, and decide generally, no, no I just love him too much, remembering

how soft his hair was on my arm as I reached back to hold his head when he was behind me, kissing the back of my neck, kissing my mouth, pulling my my ear with his teeth

when he would wake up at night and pull himself closer to me, bury his head in my neck, go back to sleep

how we would sleep entwined, and move only to reposition, but tangled up again, always touching

he always asked if I was his baby
my baby?
um hmmm
always?
absolutely.
never wanting to say, for as long you want me, never wanting to jinx it by acknowledging that this just wasn't going to last forever.

the children, how much we all loved each other, how open he was with his affection, how much we all trusted him.

last year when he would come here and sleep all day, how I would just stop and look at him laying there in my bed, loving him so much even then

how crazy the sex in the shower had become

how he promised this wouldn't happen again

how he told me he still loved me and missed me just the other day

how I believed him

how I believed in him

how he hurt me
how he hurt my children
how I let him in and made this all possible

how I would still let him back if he showed up at my door

how?