Sarah's Life

Trying to get myself to type

This journal is private now. That means I should be able to type without worrying what people will think of it, and not worry about people seeing it.

Not having to worry about him reading it.

The other entertaining thing is that I don't have to worry about editing names anymore. So that makes it, I guess, a little more honest. Cody is no longer "Kebeth". Jackson no longer "Corvvs". These anonymous names that become so connected to the person, self made alter-identites that acutally allow us to be more open than we normally would be. Who is "kgirlfae"? Is she actually connected to Sarah, a part of Sarah, or an independant being that doesn't actually have anything to do with me, other than speak with my voice and my past, but with none of the liability? What about my other alter-egos? "Delana"... She is the one who can be wryly ironic, dry humoured, and decieves everyone into believing she is the one thing she isn't, or, more accuratly, she represents the real me - the part of me that no one else sees, that no one else can believe is actually real. She represents me when you cut down to the core, whereas Kgirlfae is the mask that she used to wear.

I sat in my room last night, candles and incense burning. I wasn't expecting to be able to actually cry. Usually I spend three days in a numb transitional state while I process what happened. I don't know if the fact that I spent over half an hour slowly crying means that I've processed losing Cody, or that it's just so painful that I can't sit in that stage of numbful bliss.

He's gone. I'm walking away, letting go.