When I Die

Things I Want To Do

I never want to be famous. I never want to be a celebrity. I don't want people sticking their roses in my nose when I'm on top and then slinging their knives in the same place when I'm Mr. Jack Antique.


Oh hell, what am I saying? Everyone wants to be famous. I want to be famous. I want to be rich. I want to be able to do any damn thing I please. I want to be able to fly to Paris at two in the night. I want to go swimming on the beaches of Hawaii. I want to go skating in Alaska. I want to go sandsurfing in the sands of the Sahara. I want to go and drink coffee staring at the beauty of Switzerland.

I want to ride a horse. I want to drive a Porsche. I want to climb mountains. I want to fly a plane. Doesn't matter if it crashes. I want to fly a MiG. I want to own everything I need. I want a big house. I want forty-five acres of fruit trees in my backyard. I want a plasma TV in my living room. I want a B&S home theatre system in my bedroom. I want a million books in my library. I want a billion Music CDs. I want my own recording studio.

Hey, this is getting really good... let's see...I want all the synthesizers in the world. I want all the musical instruments in the world. I want to play all day long. I want to dance with the wolves. I want to hunt with the leopards. I want to chase butterflies. I want to burn bonfires. I want to eat chewing gum. I want to chew it all the time. I want to run around the world on foot. I want to see the sun rise in Germany, and see it set in Malaysia. I want to do everything that Robbie Williams and George Michael have. In George's case, skip the gay part. The reason why I chose 'em, is because they've got great voices, plus great songwriting talent, plus, a very sensible British head on their shoulders.

I never want to worry about the cost of a thing again. I want to be able to buy what I want, when I want. I want to pee right in the middle of the street. I want to go hit a policeman. I want to shoot bullets through air. I don't want to kill anyone. I want to be able to donate a hundred billlion million bazillion gazillion dollars to the needy... I want to play all day long with orphan kids. I want a hundred kids in my house.

I want to play cricket... been ages since I played. I want to paint. I want to sculpt. I want to sing. I want to sing some more. And more, and more, and more... want, want, want, want....

Goddammit! Enough. No use torturing myself. None of those things is really going to happen. I'll never be sipping coffee in Switzerland. I'll never be flying a MiG. I'll never be watching a movie on a plasma screen. I'll never have a billion CDs. I used to believe that if you dream hard enough, dreams spill over into the external world and become real. Now I know that its all just a big big lie made by people with millions of dollars in their accounts, to control the minds of poor people like me.


Okay, back to reality.

Wally had called. Man, it was good to hear his voice again. He's fine. Good old Wally. Always the lunatic. We two were known all over the school as the 'Black And White Buffoons'. I was the pale white part. He was the ebony black part. And he was the greatest.

The difference in our skin color was actually the biggest source of humor back then, and it was always Wally who cracked the biggest of jokes about it all. Myself and Wally were almost inseperable. We were Yin and Yang, Heads and Tails, Good and Evil [myself being the evil part], Black and White.

Ha, I remember this time, when both of us had blown really loud crackers inside the girl's hostel. It had been crazy, they'd all rushed out in various states of consciousness. Most half asleep, yawning and rubbing their eyes. We'd almost gotten ourselves detained back then... but, in the end it was worth it.

Before granny broke my shoulder, All seven of our brotherhood used to go swimming. Lazing around in the water, squirting jets on each other, stealing clothes and hiding them... man, those were the days.

When granny broke my shoulder, and doc said that I shouldn't ever swim again if I wanted my hand to be working fine, all of the brotherhood stopped going there altogether.

When Guha died, all of us made little candle kites, and the night was illuminated by the lights of our mourning. Talk about unity. Jesus, where did all those days go?

Has it really been five whole years since all of us have met at the same time? Has it really been twelve years since we last splashed around in the lake? Has it really been five years since I've seen her face?

Feels like it all happened yesterday. I can still feel the cold water on my skin. I can still remember the incredible amount of pain I'd felt everytime I tried to breathe when my ribs were broken.

I still feel those hands on my neck. I can still remember the look in her eyes when I'd left her lonely at the party that day.

I can still feel Sonya's tears on my shirt, when she cried at the loss of her father. I can still remember how hysterically we'd laughed when Wally and I had dressed up like penguins at a certain party. Man, that had been wild. We'd even danced in our costumes, to the beat of a certain nursery rhyme. A modified version of 'This little Pig..' called 'This little Penguin...' That had been really funny. Pathetic, but funny.

The mangoes from our camping trip.. I can still taste their sweetness. The lovely sight of the peacock walking by in front of us, I remember its colors... I can still see it. The riots - people dying everywhere, man killing man, I still remember the television reporter's voice, I can still hear it tolling out the number of dead people, her voice failing to stay steady...

I remember the sound that the steel rod made when granny whacked it on my chest, I still feel the incredible numbness in my leg like I felt right after granny had almost broken it. I still remember watching the sunrise from atop the little mound Max and I'd climbed. It was heavenly. So much beauty...

I still remember it all, and it still feels just as nice, and just as painful. In the end, I guess, that's what life is all about. Moments that refuse to let go. Moments that make you cry and smile. Moments that stay frozen in your heart. Moments... Memories.

[psst, if I'm sounding unnecessarily stupid right now, it's because I'm listening to Bryan Adams. Yup, It has been years since I heard any song by him. And somehow 'On a day like today' seems to have struck a cord in me, and I'm doing something I've stopped doing: wishing. I'm wishing for all those things I want, like the big house and the synthesizers and everything else I described above. So if this entry is the stupidest one you've read in this journal so far. Don't blame me. Blame Bryan Adams. ]

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **