When I Die

Wally And The Virginity Vow

My life: Ha, you mean you want to know what's happening in my life? You actually want to?

Okay, mate, life's a sodding compromise. Dad and mom have started fighting now; and that's just about bloody great for me. I don't know; somewhere along the line, mom and dad seem to have lost what they had once. I'm trying to ease things up a bit; but both of them can be such stubborn cartoons at times!

Granny! Ah, the ever-loving, ever-pleasant granny; she's in hospital. Doc says she won't last long now. It hurts; even after all this time, it hurts. It hurts to know that my granny won't be with us soon. Forget the beatings, forget the sermons, forget everything; in the end, she's still my family.

India's great. There was a little bomb explosion in a bus a few days ago. I saw the pictures in the newspaper - the bus lay crumbling, the people lay tumbling, the policemen were fumbling, the traffic was grumbling, the newsman was mumbling.... Um, didn't mean it to sound funny. See? I'm evil. mean, I never thought I'd ever be talking about a tragedy like this in a funny way. Didn't I tell ya I wuz evil? I'm evil - evil to the core. So hang me in purgatory; fry my skin; freeze my eyes; and lah-di-dah.

[I'm really freaked out right now, innit? ]

What else? Oh yeah, there was a recent article in the paper, it said: most Indians lose their virginity around the age of seventeen [17]. Um, I missed two years! So get me in the Guiness records! Oh man! A bloody virgin! One who sings well and plays a mean guitar! Impossibelamento! It's true though. Damn! I don't give a damn! Let's just not talk about that - it's such a boring subject.

Um, yesterday was friendship day. I lost another shirt. The people at college are crazy - they write all those 'I-thy-friend' messages on shirts and stuff. Part of the reason is of course that my hands were full of ribbons. Hehe, I mean, here's a guy whom all the people in the world like; all the people wanna tie friendship ribbons on his hands and write on his shirts and stuff; and yet he cries his heart out saying, 'I'm so bloody lonely!' I'm a bloody paradox!

Nobody went for lectures yesterday; and it all felt surprisingly same like school -except, back then, all of us got punished for writing on each other's hands. And then it was heart-felt; now it's just a charade. At least that's what I think. It's been commercialized. Just like everything else.

There was this girl yesterday... Ash. She's in the first year [going on to the second], I'm in the third now. And we got talking. Cute she was, like a little teddy bear. We were talking about Music. And Lah-di-dah! Big Surprise! Turns out she's a big Pink Floyd fan. Um, I dunno if there's a better way to catch my attention than saying, 'I love Pink Floyd!' And the way she talked about poverty - eyes blazing and all that... she'd make a damn fine politician. Anyway, she didn't know that I sing and stuff. I forgot about her when someone dragged me away onto our famous college pavement - hangout for lazy days and free lectures.

Then Sid [Siddharth] hands me a six-string, I play it. Slowly, they all start to gather around me. [ It felt good to play the guitar after so many days [in case ya didn't know, my left hand was plastered - an accident, I couldn't play the guitar. In fact, the only thing that I could do with the right hand was type, and play the piano, and write and draw.] It felt really good, even though I was slower than usual - hey, I'd been out of practise for a long time! - but it was good... ]

And then, Mike joins me with his Bass guitar, surprising the hell out me ('where the hell did that deep thumping grind come from?' I gurgle...); slowly Sammy starts hammering two sticks on a wooden log; and we've got a jam session going on. Man, it felt good! If only I had an electric guitar! I'd be rolling out Metallica and Marilyn Manson and Korn And Floyd riffs!
Hell, I wasn't even aware that there were people watching and listening. It felt like it was only the three of us, passing time.Then it was over.

I stand up, hand the guitar to Sid, turn around, and there she is, that cute girl. 'I didn't know you play! play so well!' she smiles.

Uh, sorry, madame, but puhleez don't smile that way! thou smile remindeth me of my love.

And it really did look like the way Amy smiled. The same twinkling eyes. The same little dimple on the left cheek. The same purity in the smile - she was smiling from the heart.

and then, when we were sitting on the pavement, it was like, I'd look at Ash, and think, 'did Amy do this thing? Did she do that? Did she walk like that? Did she hold that cup with the same delicate care? Did she sit that way? Did she talk about flowers? Did she squeal like that when she saw the sun setting? - trust me, it's a very bad way to spend time. It screws up your mind. And just so you know, I was trying everything I could to keep Ash smiling. Bloody old anthithesis that I am. Ain't I a bloody fool?

Finally, [and thank god for that], it's over. Mike calls me over to talk about something. I leave her there. She says bye and starts to get up. I don't look at her face; the parting smile would remind me of another parting smile - back to a starry night in a field, where I'd danced that dance. [BLAH!!!!]

[and in case you're wondering why I'm switching from past tense to present tense every paragraph, I don't know why - another one of my impulsive traits, I guess.]
Um, let's stop talking about that. Memories - what a waste of time...

Um, Heard Metallica's new album: St. Anger.
I don't know how to say this, especially since I'm a big Metallica fan... THE ALBUM SUCKS! SHIT! HOW COULD THEY SCREW IT UP SO BAD! DAMN! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE? I Mean, F*** me Freddy! Shit! Damn! Holy Christ!


Wally's gonna be here soon! Ha, man, there's nothing in the world like hearing his voice. In our brotherhood, I think, that we were the bestest of friends. Has to be. I could very much say that I love that guy. [again, no homosexual implications] And he's got that terrific way of speaking. When Wally's around, there's always feel-good-cheer in the air. I remember, we'd fought once, when we were kids - we'd fought over a silly rubber ball. And when we'd finished fighting, Guha and the others came over. Sonia said, 'now you really look like blood brothers.' It was true, His skin's black, and after fighting in the rain and mud, I was covered with a nice black layer as well. Wally looked at me, I looked at him. We both burst out laughing. It was amazing - one of those moments when suddenly the world seems brand new and wonderful. We got up, Wally aimed at the sky, and threw the ball away. It fell on the roof of Guha's house (Max climbed up the roof shortly after, and retrieved the ball - it was much too expensive a thing to throw away for good old Max .). From then on, if I was going somewhere, Wally was with me and likewise.

A year before Wally left, we'd taken a vow that we'd lose our virginity together. It was one of those things that only a teenager does. Of course, he's beaten me to it. It's impossible that six-feet of pure black muscle can remain a virgin for long. Wally, you broke the vow, old buddy. I forgive thee, though.

When I look back, I say, 'yeah, Wally and I are similar in many ways.'
We've both got that calm, lazy look about us. When we're together, you'd think we were both Jazz musicians. We've both have in-jokes that only the two of us understand. We both like to sleep. We both like music. I remember this one night, I and Wally and Sonya gathered up at Wally's house, turned up the volume, loaded up every Heavy Metal song we could think of. At twelve in the afternoon, we went to sleep. I woke up at seven in the evening. Wally and pretty Sonya were fast asleep. I cranked up the volume to full blast again. They woke up stunned. Later they said it wasn't a bad way to wake up. I agree.

Both of us loved to take long walks; we'd do that often. We talked about a lot of things. When the grand old pig of puberty kicked in [I don't know how else the angel of puberty would look like. I mean, what with all the pimples and hair and stuff... ] we talked about sex. We talked about being Rock Stars and being 'cool'. We talked about the importance of using aftershave after shaving [we both shaved together the first time - there wasn't any stubble on our face to shave off; but we were both eager to become... ahem... Men. ] We loved to screw things up. Once, Wally came home, carrying this huge box full of shiny metal objects. I asked him, 'what's that?'

He looked at me, flashing his smile, and said, 'We're gonna build a time-machine.'
Two months of serious-scientific-babbling-and-tinkering later (during which, we planned to use the machine to go back in time and make ourselves filthy rich, and then to go in the future to get us a super-duper video-game system) we realized that we'd built a device that consumed electricity to produce nothing. Bang! Dreams down the drain.

We saw our first 'A' rated movie together, along with Stevens. All three of us were shit scared. Sonya and Ronnie had asked us earlier that day what we were gonna do in the night, and I'd almost said it out loud, 'WE'RE GONNA WATCH SOME REAL STUFF!!!'

And all the time, we were scared that we'd be caught. The experience was damn fascinating - fascinating in a way that only a thirteen year old can feel when he watches the first film in which people do more than just kissing. There goeth purity down the drain. After the movie, we came out of the theatre, wondering if our parents stood outside, ready to kick our collective asses.

Now that I think of it, that movie didn't really show anything really extreme. I mean, when we thought about it later, our elation wasn't because we'd seen something with more than a glance of a leg, but because of the simple fact that we'd broken a law, and had gotten away with it. That's what we loved about it all. But at that time, it felt like we'd finally done something - we'd taken that big final step. We weren't kids anymore. Ha, Grown-up-land, here come the Black and White Musketeers!

We told Max all about it the next day. We took him with us the next time. We wuz the Four Musketeers then! The girls had no idea! Ha, ha, ha! Juvenile fun!

In a way, it was Wally who kept me away from ciggies and beer and the like. I remember, he'd said that those things weren't important to have fun. He was right. He's always been right.

And then, one day, Wally calls me, and says, in his classic style, 'I'm f**ked up, man.'
I ask 'what happened?'
He says, 'I'm in love.'
Hmmm, at that time it felt damn good - that was the time when I was in love too; so everything was going perfect - my friend was in love, and so was I. That was the time we'd made that virginity vow. Ha, and the thing was, that none of us even knew anything about it other than the droll lectures they gave in class.

He lost his V seven months after that. All of us were at the school-gate that morning, talking, when he came with a dreamy look in his eyes. He told me all about it, like he'd discovered a gold-mine or something. Two months later, I lost something far more precious. I lost almost everything - you know all about it.

And then there was the time he left. I remember, at the airport, he stopped for a second, looked at me, and said, 'take care, man.'
'you too,' said I.
And then he said, 'I'm scared, KC; realy scared.'
I was about to start saying, 'it's allright' or some other stuff.
His face was dead serious. And then, he said, 'I'm scared because I've heard that all air-hostesses in Indian flights are horny old farts.' The joke was crude, but it was all that was needed. We laughed; we really laughed. For a while, it reminded me of that day in the muddy field, both of us looking at each other, and laughing our bums off. I think he remembered that too.

And then he wiped a tear from his eye. "Love you, man; straight from the heart." he said. "But don't tell anyone I said that." He smiled. "They'd call us Gay." And with that, he left.

Well, Love you too, Wally. And you too, Ronnie; And you too, Guha [are ya listening up from heaven-land, my friend?]; and you too Steve; and you too, Max [you rotten bully, you!]; and you too, dear Sonya (you beautiful creature, you!).

And of course, love you, dear Amy; wherever you are, however you are. You were right. There's a light, it shines on both of us - I sincerely believe it now.

[you won't get the bit about the light - it's something Amy and I shared... but who knows, she might read this someday... hey, anything could happen, right? ]


Let's end the entry here;
love ya,
chimp.

[PS: I guess memories ain't such waste after all. ]

[PPS: This entry was way big, innit? Well, I haven't even started to tell you about Wally and me and Sonya and the others. I could probably write a thousand pages on that. And don't get me started about the Me-and-Wally-planting-explosives-in-the-girl's-hostel caper; I'd give you a second-by-second account of what happened. And don't even think about getting me started about the time we caught a baby snake in the garden (the way Ronnie had run away, scared - that was damn funny!) and so on and so forth, and see ya next time I have to set adrift on memory bliss.... ]

When You're Surrounded By Guilt And Fears,
A Fallen Angel Can See Your Tears

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"Time had a beginning, and therefore,
logically, it will have an end.
We weren't there when time began.
Nor will we be there to witness its end."
---- Stephen Hawkings


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