Just Jul Lee

Bracelet

Bracelet
DATE: May 25, 2004

First of all, the name of this entry means nothing. I looked down at my left wrist which just happens to have a bead bracelet on it and I decided, "Why not call this entry bracelet?" and so I did.

That aside, also allow me to say that I am pretty sure I am not following the format of the previous entries (which I had previously made it a point to correct each one so they'd be uniform) and I don't know if I will fix them later on. But I'm not saying I won't.

Okay, I wanted to write this entry for awhile but I held off and maybe that is better. I must say that the struggling feeling of wanting to crash my car into things is trying to resurface. I'm not happy about this fact but I am trying very hard to overcome.

I had a fight with my brother yesterday and I am not pleased by the outcome. I went to my friend's house and stayed late and I thought to myself, "My mom is going to be pissed." and then I figured, "Oh well, I always piss people off."

I have a friend, a true friend. I can't recall if I mentioned earlier about how much I wanted a friend and how I prayed to God all the time about it. See, you are all probably thinking that I am just a depressed writer with nothing better to do with her time than whine and moan. That's only half true. I must pause here to add that all of us have a bad day...I just tend to write about my bad days more so than my good ones...maybe I should work on that.

Anyway, I am glad that a past friend has returned to my life. This friend and I have had a great deal of hardships followed by long periods of noncommunication, but we can always come back to each other like nothing happened. God smiled at me and said, "You've always had a friend...you just didn't see it." Isn't it amazing how it takes us so long to see what God is trying to show us? It's crazy how when we finally see the picture we can't believe how remarkably clear it is and how dense we were to begin with.

Or is it only me?

I was hoping that I would pour joy into my journal after such sadness but it doesn't appear too joyous an entry. Maybe when I read through my journal and I see the entries before I will be able to detect the lighter note of this entry.

But then again maybe not.

I actually feel as though my poetry is suffering lately. I am having serious trouble writing poems. I am trying to complete the sequel to my novel while finishing Past Vengeance so that I can get it published. It has to be at least 80,000 words and I think I'm at about 53,000, which is pretty good since I only had about 40,000 when I realized I needed 80,000. I just liked putting those large numbers in there.

Okay, the fight between me and my brother (and I'm only writing this because I know I'll read the above mention of it and be confused) was about stupid things. He told me what to do then asked if I heard him and I asked him if it looked like I cared. It got quiet for a moment and then God told me that I am supposed to try to be better so I said that I would do it tomorrow because I was going to clean everything else I needed to tomorrow. He said that it only takes a few minutes to get it done and I said that I was going somewhere and that I had to get ready.

He was on his computer and he played for a few more seconds before he looked over his shoulder and shouted at me to get ready if I had to. He yelled that I claimed I had to get ready and I was just standing there. I told him that he wasn't my dad or my husband and he had no right to yell at me. I added that he wasn't mom's husband either so he had no right to yell at her.

He told me that I leave all my s**t lying around because of my pets and I told him that he leaves all his s**t lying around and he doesn't have pets. I told him that he only pays mom $150 a month because it's all he can afford (let me explain that he buys expensive electronics all the time and takes off to Denver and Texas at a moments notice so he could definately pay more) and that I get paid less than him and I'm paying my car twice a month to try to pay it off and paying $150 a month to mom for my car insurance.

He told me that mom paid my car for 'how many months' and I said that my car was paid off. He said that it wasn't paid off it was in the mortgage and I said it's not my fault that he had to drive drunk and flip his Neon so mom had to take out a loan on my car just to get it out of the tow yard. Then I said that I was giving my mom my whole checks back then and that he had no right to say anything to me. He told me that I charged $5,000 dollars worth of debt and that I couldn't say that I was debtless. Then he brought up the fact that I filed bankruptcy.

I told him, yeah, I filed but it has nothing to do with him so he should just drop it. All this was happening while he was picking up the papers in the living room which is what he had asked me to do. He stormed past me into the dining room and said, see, it only took two seconds to pick that up. I thought to myself, then why didn't you do it earlier?

Then he told me, you screwed up my computer and I said that I didn't. He told me that I did something to it to change the settings and I said all I did was turn it on, put in the Sims, played, quit and shutdown. I didn't do anything else. Then he said that I did and he told me that I wasn't allowed to touch his computer since I took his old computer from him*. I told him that he gave it to me and he said that mom gave it to me, not him. I said that everything was materialistic to him and all he cared about was his possessions and his family meant nothing to him.

He told me that one day I would come home and my cats would be gone. I growled and said, Joe, you're a, and he said what and I said you're a d**k and that's when Erica walked in. He talked all nice and sweet and then he said to her that my sister thinks I'm a d**k and Erica looked at me.

He went upstairs to get ready and Erica told me she could hear us yelling outside since the door was open. I told her that I just get pissed off when he threatens my animals. She said she understood.

I was getting ready and I started to cry. I managed to contain myself as I went upstairs to get my book but as I saw my cat SylverBells I felt a white rage rise up inside me and I told my cat that I would kill Joey before I let him take them from me. I squeezed the book very hard and God told me to calm down so I did.

When I went back downstairs he asked me if I'd be ready to move out in January and I told him I wished I could move out tomorrow and he said that if I haven't moved out by the time he buys the house he's going to put all my stuff out front. I thought, go right ahead Albert, since he was reminding me of the other angry man that had been in my life.

Mom came home after Joey and Erica left and I told her what happened and she managed to make me feel like it was my fault. You should have kept your mouth shut, she said, you should have just let him say what he wanted. I can't do that anymore.

*My brother had purchased a computer over the internet and it didn't have an operating system. It was never used and when we tried to load one it wouldn't take. My brother then ordered a Dell and all was well. I asked my brother a few months ago if he would help me get a Dell since my credit sucks and he told me no because he had to be sure he could pay for it if I lost my job and I said that I wouldn't lose my job and if I did I would pull my retirement and pay off all my bills. He said that he didn't want to take that chance and I said nevermind I'll get it on my own. Mom finally mentioned Joey's old computer and I asked her if she thought Joey would let me have it. She said she'd ask him and she did. He said that he didn't care, I could do whatever I wanted with it. Jennie's husband and brother-in-law were working on it and it had very little memory and a virus detection program that made it think it had a virus when it didn't. They are building me a new hardrive and I told Joey this and he just shrugged but now, suddenly, I am stealing from him. I just wanted to explain the computer situation from above without breaking stride.

I love my brother, I truly do. I just feel so awful living where I am now. I don't want to go home or stay home or anything. I just want to be happy and that seems like a really difficult thing to do.

I wanted to end this on a positive note but I don't know if I can.

Oh, wait...yes I can.

Jennie and I were playing Super Mario Brothers on the Super Nintendo. We were playing the lost levels and there was this castle that we couldn't seem to beat. It was Jennie's turn and I took a big gulp of orange soda. She walked Mario off the ledge into the lava. I was about to burst soda everywhere and I had to run outside and spit it out on the ground. Her mother-in-law thought that I had gotten mad so she asked Jennie what happened and Jennie told her. Jennie and her brother and I laughed so hard when I came back in. It was so funny!

There! I don't know if that was cheery or just confusing but I hope it helped perk up this entry. Have a great day!

JUST JUL LEE