There must be a light under the bushel!

Biding time?

Caution: What follows is lots of questions with a vague (and somewhat rambling) attempt to find understanding about the ways love changes people...

Are we all just biding time until we settle down with someone we love? Is that the ultimate goal in the journey?

Why do people often change so much when they fall in love? One of my friends got married a couple of years ago, and as soon as she got engaged, our friendship started to fade. Her husband and I got along great, and we'd all hang out sometimes, but it almost seemed like she wanted to leave all aspects of her old life behind while she embarked on this new adventure. We tried to maintain the friendship, but it just got to be too awkward; I always got the feeling that she wanted to hide her marriage when she was around me, like it was some kind of hidden treasure that she was secretly proud of but afraid to show off. Do all people who are part of a couple think that they have a grand prize that single people covet? Or do single people have a hard time relating to married people? Is that what makes friendships change? She seemed more content than she ever did when she was single, so I was happy for the change her life underwent. But, I never understood why she didn't merge that new life with her old one. Why did she have to choose one over the other? And, she adapted her personality so much to fit into her new husband's life. Is that a natural order in life, or did she just finally find herself with a comfortable fit?

I know that in my marriage it became a problem that I maintained my friendships. The pressure did get to me eventually, and I let some of my friendships fade into the background for a time, but that was a miserable choice on my part. I missed my friends, and I have vowed not to let that happen again. But...what if someone came along who stole my heart, someone I simply couldn't get enough of? Would I discard that vow? Would I be sucked in by the intense emotions of new love to the exclusion of all else? Most people I've seen who do this are content with that choice. They adjust and adapt to their new lives and embrace the new path. Maybe their new love replaces all the needs they had in their friendships. Is that possible? Maybe I'm just resistant to change, but I value my friendships for what they are now and for what they will continue to be in the future. I just wonder if I cling too much to the way I want things to be rather than the way life actually turns out.

Being caught in the moment can be very powerful, but when is is the right thing to do to put your friends on hold for a virtual stranger? I have one friend who is only my friend when she doesn't have a man in her life. That's no exaggeration. But, is it wrong? It's very important for her to find a mate to share her life with. I wonder if that is more important to most people than the relationships, the friendships, that they already do have. If it doesn't work out, I'm still here for her. But, our bond of friendship is rather superficial because it's not the kind of bond that is really important in her life. The only connection she really craves is a romantic one.

Another one of my friends just stopped putting any effort into spending time with her friends. She shrugs about it and says she always has a good time when she manages to make plans with her friends, and her husband is usually the one who organizes it for her (he's a great guy), but she says her life consists of TV friends these days and just laughs and says she knows it's pathetic, but she does actually seem content. To an outsider like me though, I can't help but think, is that really such a great life, to live without the really fun times anymore? Is is okay to replace those times with a more low-key, albeit more relaxing, life? I know my life has calmed down since I hit 30, and the change has been a good one. But, although my interests have changed, I'm haven't stopped joining in on the fun times. Is contentment more important than the elation of good laughs and good times with good friends? I think it's great that one person can be so fulfilling in another's life, but why does that negate the idea of friendships? Wouldn't it be better to have both?

I have had a longer history of truly happy, content times with my friends than I have with any man I've had in my life, but does anyone combine the two successfully? Couple friends are another crazy kink in the relationship spectrum. If girlfriends try to get their husbands together, why doesn't that ever seem to work? It seems like it would provide the makings for one bigger, happier friendship, but that rarely seems to happen.

I do have a some married friends who haven't changed as a result of being married, but more often I do see a transformation. It just makes me wonder if we are truly incomplete without a partner. Is that why so many people change? Were they just biding their time until the right person came along so they could grow into the person they would ultimately become?

I have lots of questions but no answers. I do know that I've found myself more accepting of the choices people make because, ultimately, each person has to find his or her happiness wherever it comes, but are all changes really good? I don't want to go back to any period in my life no matter how happy I was in that moment, but is that because I've left that part of me behind or is because the people who were in my life at that time no longer interest me now that they have morphed into different people, people I no longer care to know? Or is it because I have changed? Have I lost an appreciation for what those times really meant to me?

I guess life would be boring if people were predictable, if the changes one undergoes were already predetermined, but I can't help but be sad when friendships change, especially, though, when friendships are lost. The only certain thing I know now is that sometimes it will happen, and all you can do is wish the best for those people and share the good times with those good friends who will be everlasting.

Jeez, I got started and the questions wouldn't stop! I could easily expand each paragraph into a full entry, but it seems I have enough to keep my mind busy for awhile...