Personal Journal

Summary of Blah

It’s been a while since I’ve written.
I feel alone on the site, actually. I’m not sure how to reach out to people and re-establish a feeling of community. I guess I should read more. Note more. Review more. The problem I have with reading more is that it inspires in me such a feeling of guilt for not writing myself. <sigh, heavy sigh> I think about writing, I just don’t make time for it. My best time for it is at work. It’s never been easy for me to write at home because of Jean’s presence. She’s the kind of person who always asks you what you’re doing, and I just don’t like telling people I’m writing.

Jean has done really well with her chemo this week. No throwing up – that’s a first. That makes me pretty happy. I think about the fact that we’re in a good period right now, and I sometimes think about a future arrival of another bad part. There’s no doubt that this cancer has affected my life for the better. I have a better sense of love now for her. We’ve had to work out a few tough issues, and we handle them better. We don’t fight as much. It’s a better relationship. I think, strangely enough, that her dependence on me helps my patience. I was impatient with certain things before, and now that I know she cannot do certain things, I don’t begrudge her when I have to do things. It’s easier for me. She just can’t do it, so there’s no animus generated in my head.

We went to shop for eyeglass frames for her last week, and she saw a shirt in Lane Bryant that she wanted really badly, and she decided she’d wait till she had more money. On Saturday I went in and got it as a surprise for her, got her a card, and a little bobble-head cat doll/toy thing, and gave it to her. She loved it. Said it was going to make her cry (she’s always mad when I do things that make her feel like she’s going to cry). I loved it too. It’s nice to surprise someone. I think that someday I’ll be glad I took the time to do it. Well, I already am. I don’t know how to convey what I mean.

I talked to my mom last night. She’s thinking of leaving California now that her house is worth so much. She should leave california, it’s a hellhole now, and it’s not getting better until the next great catastrophe wipes out a few million people, I’m sorry to say. But god forbid she move here. I don’t think she realizes that I find her unpleasant company (readers: She’s a bigot, true to the bone). She has this relationship with my brother where they see each other a few times a week. I’ll be damned if I see her any more than I already am. Twice or three times a decade is plenty for me, and if she moved here, I’d have to flagrantly enforce that schedule. It’s easy to do from here, saying that the travel is too difficult for me.

But I thinik I can help her steer clear of here. She wants a atownhome… I mean a condo – one floor only. Why she wants a one floor I don’t really understand. But whatever. They don’t make those here. They make two-story townhomes that are packed together pretty tightly.

Otherwise, work is good. Easy. I got moved in a reorganization (physically, not departmentally) and I’m in a much better position with a great window at the end of the hallway – covers the full wall. I love it here. Closer to friends, farther from people who control me. Or who are supposed to, at least, because I’m pretty out of control…

I got back into playing Dark Age of Camelot on the computer again. That has been terribly fun. And as I have started playing, I’ve been painting less, and I want to correct that. I do like painting. I have to strike a really firm balance – times or days or both, where I definitely paint. But the whole Warhammer thing has lost some luster in my eyes. There is a campaign this week that starts, and I think I had better play in it, because if this doesn’t make it so that I like the game more, then I’m not going to stay with the game, and I think I’ll start selling my miniatures.

Sorry for a boring entry. Sometimes what I want to talk about isn’t really ready to come out, and I just summarize my life’s recent course.


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn