Personal Journal

Otherwise, no tears

I cannot believe that I haven't cried much today. A few controlled tears when talking to Mom, and my best friend Dennis. Dennis is going to look out for me in the less obvious but all important ways. He said I can't spend more than X dollars without calling him, to make sure I don't do something stupid.

I asked him permission, of sorts, if I could go buy myself a leather jacket today, and a headboard for the bed in the future, and he said that if that's all I want to buy, I'm doing fine.

And it is. I mean, you know, I fantasize about the plasma TV and that kind of thing. But really, that's just a fanciful musing in a period of escapism. It's IMPORTANT to me that Jean be proud of me, in what I'm doing now after her passing.

The jacket was to make me feel more presentable. I've had a collection of mediocre coats for the winter here that were functional, but never really good for the kind of image I want to present. So I got the jacket and a new man-purse at a leather store (I carry a man-purse yes - most men should, actually).

The headboard? Dunno why I want that. I want to have a sense of order in the room when I move back into it, and a headboard really makes a bed's presence more orderly. If it wasn't for the fact that Jean was so much more picky than I in regard to what would be acceptable, we'd have had one by now.

Today has been a good day, though otherwise.
But I feel guilty for not being more of a wreck today, does that make sense. I didn't have any of that wracked painful crying today. I had some real world missions to complete, and so I focused on those.

I'm reorganizing the house in the aftermath - getting some things out. I got rid of the makeup stash she kept by the couch. Nail polish, lipsticks, etc. I'm actually worried what my readers are thinking about that. I don't want to have any Scott Petersen kind of insensitivities.

But things have needed picking up - tidying up. I need to turn the coffee table into a place to eat and to keep track of the bills. So I made room by getting rid of the lotions and polishes that she kept down there. I'd get them out eventually - and I just thought tonight was a good night to get order down there, since I spend a lot of functional time there.

Later I'll do the upstairs. This coming week I need to go through knick-knacks and figure out what I'm taking to NJ with me on my trip - things of sentimental value for others. I have some ideas, but I want to get through that stuff and get a better idea. I might find some things that scream out that they should go to family ahnd friends.

I guess I start to get more sad now that I'm quieting down and starting to think. I'm waiting for one of Jean's online friends, Kim, to call me.

She's turned out to be the person I'm leaning on - why I don't really know. Well, that's not right exactly. She's open and strong and caring and honest - I can tell why Jean liked her so much. And she reached out to me and I found that in taking her up on that offer, my soul has benefitted from having someone to talk to and share some of this grief with.

But I think right now I need a little nap perhaps?
I sleep with the light on, now. I'm afraid of what I think I might see or feel if I turn the light off.