Personal Journal

Work stuff

I felt pretty good this morning when I woke up.
I don't remember waking up a lot, like I have been. It was a pretty normal night's sleep for me. I overslept a little, till 7. My internal clock usually gets me up by about 6 at the latest. But I know I need the sleep. I got six hours last night, and after I made that journal entry about sleeplessness, I didn't wake myself up anymore with that sense of fear. I recall waking up one time overnight, so that's pretty good.

I enjoyed my morning a lot, a couple of good online chats with people who give my life a lot of meaning. It's part of the new routine I hope I can maintain for my mornings. Up and quiet around the house, coffee, my morning routine, and some chatting with a friend or two. Maybe e-mails if they aren't around.

So I came to work, and what's odd is that I notice that I start to sink here. Emotionally, I start to want to hide. I spoke with one boss about my new schedule, and I knew she'd be okay with that. I e-mailed my other boss's secretary for permission and haven't heard back yet. That doesn't make me feel good about myself - having to say that I "need" to spend less time in the office. The whole male need to provide and pull your own weight... That's upset by asking that. But like I said last night, if I could get some help, I'll take it. I'm not going to be too proud about this stuff.

I'm not sure what makes me sink here, and I think if I can figure it out, then I can work past it. Right now, all I can really feel is scared, and embarassed. I'm scared that I'm going to get caught up in an emotional episode in front of strangers who have no idea who I am, and who don't need to know. And I'm embarassed that there are people around here who do know me, but I'm not sure why. I feel like I've done something I should be apologizing for. But I've no idea what that is.



It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn