Personal Journal

Don't you hate titling these?

Larisa Kuhar called me this afternoon. I didn't recognize her voice at first because she has a serious case of laryngitis. Turns out today is the first day she's been able to talk enough to get on the phone to me (or else she's a masterful actor, but she's not the deceitful type).

She said she didn't have the "cajones" (she actually used that term) to call me after a couple of years ago, but she continued to think of me fondly. So she was glad that I finally tried to make contact again.

I could tell it was hard for her to talk, so we made it a very short phone call. Next week we'll meet for coffee or some such. I think a lunch visit to Adam's is probably in order.

So I'm really excited that maybe this time she and I won't let personal circumstances prevent us from solidifying our friendship.

At this point, a digression for the reader is in order, because sometimes I do worry about what you think of me. Larisa and I always touched on our friendship with poor personal timing. First it was her boyfriend that prevented us from hanging out more, then it was my divorce situation that kept me from hanging around with her (I would never cheat on anyone, and I was sure to avoid the appearances of having another woman). Then when finally I had been single a few months, but I was already exploring the idea of a committed relationship long-distance with Jean, she struck up the friendship again.

Our last outing together was when I told her that I was sort of involved in a relationship (that being the one with Jean). Larisa stopped returning my phone calls and we haven't seen one another since that subject was broached (am I mixing metaphors? I'm stoned).

Now, perhaps I'm mis-reading that event, and maybe Larisa will have some other explanation why she stopped calling me. But I was left with the decided impression that her aims for me were for something beyond friendship. Doesn't that sound like the most logical interpretation of those details?

I admit, Larisa is attractive, supremely intelligent (speaks, reads, and writes Yiddish - that's some threshold in my world at which even I say you're a freakin hard-core intellectual), and I enjoy her company. She's the KIND of woman I would go out with, but I've never really explored that to any depth, because the timing was wrong, for one, and we really didn't know each other as friends beyond certain personal details (I knew she was bisexual, and she knew I was a crossdresser, which was a first for me at least).

But the timing was never right, and my attraction to her was insufficient for me to desire pursuing those options. I knew (and know) they might someday be, but I'm fairly good about not going down that road when it's impractical to seek romantic connnections.

So here I am back in contact with Larisa, and from my end, the timing isn't right, and I'm not thinking of romantic options with her. I just want a friend to go to meals with and movies with, and talk about the serious issues in my life (and hers) who's actually not just an internet friend.

But what if Larisa interprets this as an opening? I have contingency plans for that if it's the case. I've not thought about responses to her about what I've been doing "all this time". I obviously have to tell her about Jean.

But yeah, Larisa called back, and that made my day.
Jeez, I just realized something:
I haven't had an event on my calendar to look forward to since September.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn