Just Jul Lee

I Was Just Thinking

I Was Just Thinking
DATE: June 6, 2005

Have you ever failed? Truly and completely failed at something and as you look back at the path that is and was your life you see the same failure over and over and over again?

To give it a term or name that most the population of the world would use: Human Nature. It's human nature to become addicted. It's human nature to fall for the same tricks. It's human nature to fail. Human nature seems to be the bane of human existence.

Okay, so I can easily spot the familiarities of failure in my life right now. I have missed two weeks straight of church. Yesturday it was just being lazy but today I am ready to pound my fist into a wall. Not out of anger, mind, but frustration. The path I'm heading down leads to compromise and backsliding. I don't want to walk away from God again. Seeing this as clearly as I do should make it easy for me to remedy it. I fully intend to fight for my salvation. This, as they say, is where the rubber meets the road.

Friends. I seem to have drifted out into the sea of alone once more and I am the one that threw my skiff out there. No one shoved me, no one helped me, I just decided that I didn't want to fight anymore. Sad, isn't it? So, seeing this, I know that I must overcome this failure in character, this internal flaw, and fight for my friendship. Doesn't that seem like the logical thing to do? Unfortunately, for me, I am, as I slightly mentioned above, lazy and am not willing to put forth the effort.

Why? Because, over the course of a month or so, God has shown me some serious personality flaws that I must deal with. The only way is prayer, by the way, since these flaws are deep rooted and I can only overcome with the help of my Savior. Judgemental, lust, anger, gluttony, jealousy...all these, plus others, linger in my soul and I battle them with an ax when I should be using a sword.

Sword: The Word of God.

Unfortunately, with me being who I am, I have stopped reading God's word. This just came to me now, this revelation of how I've neglected His teachings for, well, a long while. God allows me to continue living despite my disobedience and laziness. He is merciful and I'm not saying that He is holding a huge flyswatter over my head waiting to squash me. I know He watches over me like the protective Father He is and I know that I live because He loves me, not because I've done great things.

So, reading His word. I must return to my prayer closet and seek Him. How could I be missing this?

If I fail to remain His I will be unable to move. Any move away from the place where I grew up without God will lead to my spiritual death. Why can't I see this? Everytime I planned to move, I would try to shut out God's voice. But, now, He is speaking to me. I believe He will allow me to move to Montana as long as He goes with me. And I want Him to.

So, I was just thinking...