Prisoner of Your Own Mind

Unknown Fear

It all started when I looked fear right into its eyes. They were dark, crimson red and ominous looking. He reigned over me with superior strength and evil, and looked down at me and saw a helpless and vulnerable soul. I was only 3 inches taller than him but his domineering presense and intimidating stature made me feel 3 inches less. He had a slight, evil grin when he spoke that would only make me shutter with fear. Deep in my mind I could only guess or wonder as to what he had planned. My heart would start beating as he evolved into this insulting beast that inflicted physical pain and torment.

I hit the ground hard and hear nothing but laughter and deceit from up above. He proceeded to control my movements and do whatever he was in the mood for. Maybe a slap on the head or a flick of an ear, I thought to myself still pressed and muddied from the ground. Suddenly, he backs away from me as if he wanted me to get back to my feet and take some more abuse. I was so right.

That night I lay in my bed clutching to my pillow drenched in tears, replaying over and over in my head how my bully had his way with me. I felt sick to my stomach and an intense, deep feeling of fear was the reason why. There would be many nights like these in my young childhood years and every bruise made life alittle less desirable to hope for. I lived my life in terror of my bully everyday and everynight of my young life. I could not elude him because he existed in my mind and in reality.

Being bullied around was just one of the many horrible experiences I've indured in my short childhood, but yet which had the most effect on me, mentally. The collection of fears and anxiety consistantly grew in my head and lay there dormant. The more of it that entered my mind, the more of an advantage it had over my sense of strength and will. As the years would slowly pass by, the worse my fears became.

No day seemed to be any different than the next. It was all the same emotional, heart wrenching moments of suffering that would persist into the night. Imagine carrying the weight of depression, anxiety, and lonliness all gathered as one throughout the day and by the beginning of nightfall, it dissipates only to return again the next day. I know that not everyone could relate to this sort of state of mind, so I am not going to compare myself with others who would probably consider themselves sane and ill-informed of mental disorders.

It is my passion in life to tell my story and share with other sufferers of OCD my innermost heartache and painful memories and experiences of the utterly hopeless attempts to find happiness and purpose. I was my own enemy and I wanted to be killed. There was no light of day that burst through my bedroom window that would illuminate my spirits and take me to some unknown fantasy world. I had to struggle against myself to find any reason to live. It was all so very confusing and frustrating how I could not look myself in the mirror and not see a shaken soul that was infected by the OCD infection.

I call it an infection because it slowly took control of my inner psyche filling it with deadly, viral thoughts and fears. It was no use stopping it by the time it had already infested my brain with poisoness distortions. There was no cure to this disease, and I had yet to detect any symptoms of it's internal destruction. As scary as my thoughts and fears were, it is even scarier to know that it is not of your own making. In the past 12 years, I've been living with a heavy burden that I didn't know I was carrying. It took one tramatic event to open my eyes to see the serious damage that unfolded within.