Zee Blog

You can't avoid her....She's in the air.

...inbetween molecules of Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide...Only in Dreams, we see what it means. Reach out our hands. Hold on to hers. But when we wake, it's all been erased. And so it seems...only in dreams.

Listening to my favorite Weezer song of all time. Coincidentally it happens to be the most painful song to me that I can imagine.

What is Strength? In a comment, L.E. had asked where the strong person he had seen gone.

How do you define strength? I'll put down a few words that come to mind when I think of strength.

Determination.
Respect.
Responsibility.
Persevearance.
Honesty.
Loyality.
Understanding.
Empathy.

I am at one time or another all of these. I am at others the opposite. Sometimes I do them for lesser reasons, and others for greater.

A lot has happened in the past few days that has caused me to look at life in a far different light. Things I didn't quite understand or accept as good have now taken on a new life.

Parts of me that I once considered to be shameful have taken on a whole new light in my eyes.

A friend of mine said to me about a week ago: "You are interesting."

I asked her why she said that, and she replied: "Because you hold back everything you desire."

I've prided myself on thinking that I have always been a pretty open minded person, but once she said that to me I began to see those bonds. The bonds I hold against myself in every aspect of my life. Bonds of fear, bonds of shame. Ways I'm always holding myself down. Too afraid to struggle against them.

This has echoed what so many people have said in so many different ways. "If you let fear hold you down you'll never accomplish anything you want in life." Take a chance, take a risk. Let the chips fall where they may. Just do it. All those wonderful little phrases that people like to say to spark action out of the timid.

I did and for once I was liberated. In doing so, I removed balance from myself. Let the scales tip. In my excitement and uncertainty I came here to my blog and made comments that hurt some, disappointed others, and generally seemed to have a negative backlash against me.

And so I come back to Strength. Today after the worst of came my way I decided I needed to take a step back from my blog, to evaluate exactly what I was trying to accomplish with this piece. I've received many, many comments and e-mails from a wide variety of people bringing their own views and support into the mix.

My first instinct was to run from all of this. Let the negative comments scare me away from one of the things I truly enjoy doing. Allow it to scare me from being afraid of my feelings and my emotions.

I will always put into this journal what I think. Sometimes the truth hurts, as they say.

Unfortunately, there needs to be balance. In situations where I might find myself hurting those around me I do need to take a gentleness to the subject that I may normally not take.

I am a strong person in a lot of aspects, but I am weak in others. I am not perfect, but I am not typical.

Life is changing again. It's finally changing, and for the better.

I know this is the "Everlasting Blogpost" but I want to touch base on another important topic of my self-discovery this weekend.

What is it to hold ourselves back?

Think about the things you hold yourself back from.

Here are some of the things that hold me back:

-Fear of succeeding.
-Fear of myself.
-Fear of my sexuality.

Last Friday all those things came conveniently to a crossroad.

Friday I turned in my first piece for publication. I have no idea if I'm even in the running, but to be sitting there by that mailbox I couldn't help but to sit and ponder, "I feel I have a piece that could make it." I never thought it would happen. Silly, I know, but that was how I felt.

The next was a fear of myself. As I've placed in my blogs before, I felt that I was grotesque. I gained weight, I'm balding, I'm graying, and I have no chin(damn family traits). I felt like I was quite possibly the most hideous creation god granted this world. Well, you know how this turned out.

Here comes the racey 18+ section of my blog, and that comes into sexuality. This is possibly the number one thing the average "moral" person binds themselves over. We all fear what it is to be a pervert. It might be religious pressure, societal pressures, or our own views of our body and what it means to be sexual.

Two very outreaching beings have kind of coaxed that part of me. It was a part that I generally, for all my talk otherwise, kept well under lock and key. I was ashamed of a lot of it. To many it makes you feel sick to have some of these desires, or that maybe you are being rude to the partner you are with.

At least this is how I felt.

I have had these people exposing me to all these different aspects of sexuality. Some I can secretly say in my head seem appealing, yet others that still make me go: "What the heck just happened? With what? And who?"

Sometimes there are things I feel I want to indulge in, but then I pull the chains tighter and say, "That wouldn't be appropriate." I'm always holding myself back, and because I never unleashed any of those things I never quite understood exactly how freeing it was after you have. It's refreshing the feeling of being able to accept those aspects of your life. It makes you feel whole.

Granted, I'm not saying to go out and make a snuff film. That's just wrong, but take a moment to reflect on yourself, on what you hold to be wrong and right. Think about how it might effect your life in both positive and negative ways, and I'm not just referring to sex or your appettite for it.

Consider what it might take to push your borders. What might force you to take those steps.

I know that it definately takes a good shove out of my comfort zone for me to think otherwise. Be it positive or negative.

Holy crap, I think that is nearly the longest blog post. Ever.

Love me or hate me, you're stuck with me.