Straight No Chaser

Doozies

three at a time, for now. hard ones first.

1. "what do you want (really want) out of life?"

jeez, mia. well, i want health, happiness and to not completely disappoint my parents. in that order.

i want to graduate on time and with at least my current gpa, and to be accepted into some fantastic joint j.d./ph.d program. i want to earn my law degree. i want to practice law, while using my english degrees to teach selected classes at a local university, and once i've retired from the law business, i want to switch over--entirely collegiate, probably at a smaller college like this one, insular and nurturing so i can actually help everybody.

through all of this, i want to be in love with someone who loves me back. i want us to be physically healthy and philosophically aligned, to minimize the roadblocks. i want us to have kids and i want to have all the time in the world to raise them without neglecting my career. barring that, though, i want to do at least a good a job as my mom did, so they could at least tell i was trying. i want my kids to love reading. i want them to beat my sat score, try new foods and markedly outlive me.

i want to write. i want to be published on a more or less mainstream scale by twenty-five, and i want to contribute significantly to the literary world throughout my thirties. i want to write something so masterful, so close to what i'm feeling, someday, that upon its publication, i'll feel the same rush of satisfaction that i did upon completion of "Invalid Item" , when i was fifteen. i want to learn how not to use so many adjectives.

2. "do you believe in God?"

JEEZ, mia. well, yes. i believe in a higher power, in certain precepts of right and wrong that don't vary among individuals. but i believe in the ones that vary, too. i don't believe in a god who rules with fear. i don't especially believe that there's someone who loves each one of us tremendously. i do believe in design. i think everything--sociopolitical trends, the surge in homosexuality, epidemics--happens for a necessary biological reason. and i think those reasons are laid out somewhere, in some universal cheatbook that can only be accessed by one, and that one is who i believe in.

i try to do things right because i believe in those basic precepts, and that they are intransitive. i believe in raising one's children on a focused spiritual base. i believe that church is good for kids. i don't believe in religious fanaticism, or in proselytizing, or in trying to force presbyterianism (for instance) on anyone who doesn't want it. i believe that what a man believes is what's true for him, and i'd want my kids to believe in something bigger than themselves, something constant and unwavering, and to use it to govern their sense of good.

in a word, yes.

3. "who do you admire most (it can be someone in your life or someone famous) and why?

oh, jeez. stock answer: my mom. better answer: my dad. truest answer: my brother.

so, instead, many answers.

kirsten dunst. i admire her ability to slouch, to wear hideously ugly boots and dresses and because it is really special how, even without a lick of prettiness, she is able to achieve so much in hollywood, and trick everyone into thinking she's something other than very, very ugly.

andrae from "project runway." i admire his ability to make dresses out of sod grass and then cry when people point out the obvious fact that no one in their right mind would ever wear one. (and because he takes really good care of his skin and is completely adorable, besides the whole weeping wilow thing.)

our current president. i admire his ability to be considerably stupider than the average person and to get away with it on a national scale, when even dumb fast food cashiers get dirty looks all day.

no, no. okay. try again.

my parents: i admire their ability to balance their careers with their kids, to stay completely on top of what's going on with a willful high schooler, and to always have more money at their disposal than i'll probably ever see in my life.

toni morrison: i admire her ability to write with such grace and wisdom, her imagination and her style. and the fact that she's written so many books that i only forty percent understand, yet try to again and again anyway.

bill clinton: i admire his ability to convince an entire generation of black people that he's got african blood in those veins. i also admire his height and virility.

doozies, mia. these were doozies.