My True Soul

Cold as ice... she's got the looks...?

So we could have possibly had the first bit of a fight that we've had in 10 months.

And it basically resulted from how we approach things.

When I'm upset... I want some kind of resolution. If things are going to be smoothed over later and look bumpy, then I'd rather just do it all to the best of my ability the first time... if this makes sense.

For a while there, we stopped being sweet to each other. We stopped celebrating the love that's there. We stopped doing anything other than merely being there, around each other, the ins and outs of everyday.

A couple of weeks ago, it started to change. A date... a fun date.

Then this past week, going somewhere to talk. The first time that I've felt I've really talked to someone in a long time. I told her things I've felt lately... they haven't been pleasant and I've kept them to myself. But, just to explain how I've been feeling. How it's been internally, I told her. And it's the best I've felt about that in a while.

Of course, some of that got taken away by my parents. They told me they didn't talk to me enough, now they talk to me too much according to the cell phone bill. Yet, they constantly bitch about not being able to get me and call me 7 times in one day or 5 times in one hour. Oh, and they call Manda too and then bitch to me about how they've wasted minutes doing that. They think I should answer my phone anytime they call, forget if I'm at work or if I'm in class, forget that. I should answer their call no matter what.

And now... I should be working on a paper.... I should have something to discuss with my professor by tomorrow and I just now printed out the papers. Oh well... time to have some sort of a rough idea/draft for her. That shouldn't be too hard if I spend a few hours with the paper tonight.

However.... what I wanted to do most this evening? Sleep. Why? Cause I haven't felt good really all day. It's gotten a little better here in the last little bit, but that's only cause I drank about 3-4 glasses of water.

Over the last 2 months, Manda and I have given each other ample opportunites, I think, to break up... or to move out... etc. And last night, it happened again. Every relationship has faults, every person does too. I take one look into her eyes, and that's it... that's all I need to know I want it to last, that I want to try.

It's the times when she shows her vulnerability that I fall for her more... that I actually see her not be so strong... I understand more about what she said the other night to me... it just took some time... I'm slow with really getting somethings sometimes... slow with explaining my emotions... slow coming to a decision...

I like to think about things, mull them over, and get deep down. I like to be accurate.

The last few days at work have made me want to quit... I'm not sure why... I think it's the every day routine of it all... the same people, the same food, the same deal, over and over. (Or perhaps the stupid store manager who comes back and tells me to do crap that seems like busy work.... needs to be done, but I don't know why he has to tell me to do it when I'm so busy trying to get things ready for the busiest time of day.) But then, at the same time, I hate being put up front because inevitably... something goes wrong. Back there.... hardly ever does something go wrong. Nor do I have customer's looking like they could kill me. Or customer's who're so bossy and shouting their phone # at me before I can finish another's order.

Now I need to go... start reading the papers.