L'aura del Campo

Turning 4. An overwhelming day.

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███████          L'aura del campo           ███████

SUMMER: 1 'Asma (20 August)

'é a lua,  Ã© a lua,  na quintana dos mortos'
♣    Federico García Lorca    ♣

At a loss

Would you choose to live your life on empty or to the fullest? I think early childhood experiences led me to avoid the pain of living. Unfortunately it also robbed me of the joy.

Today has been a day of tears. A total overwhelm inconsistent with the beautiful day outside or the generosity of smiling friends like Robin, Matt, Danny, Hub. Nothing bad has happened to me today.

I should be joyful that the students are back and that the library is open to midnight! That the 'kids' bring a vibrancy back to town. That I got to the carillon concert and spoke with Elizabeth Berghout, the prof and carilloneur. She cheers me up.

Maybe I'm sad because I wish I could have shared the day with a friend whose son turned four today. Yep. Gary Wilson McPike III is four (long name, short kid). Hope he pestered his father to no end. He's blond haired and blue eyed (therefore the colors blue and yellow for this entry) and has a drop of Swedish in him (don't most folks?).

Children give joy. And friends who are sunny and cheerful by nature are gems indeed. I'm just feeling a sense of loss, deep loss. I hope they both had a wonderful special day.

████████ Sizzling? Think cool !
████████ Weather where I am: 83º at vespers and pleasant.
████████ Weather in West Seneca, New York: 65º.
████████ Weather in Godthab (Nuuk), Greenland (Kalaallit Nunaat): 44º.

IMAGES

Up the hill on Eleventh:

Orange cosmos; dry dirt, withered grass; a green and khaki Wrangler Jeep; a man eating an apple; slant of sun; cicadas; orange trumpetflowers; dead branches of a cherrytree; grass growing between the bricks in the street; golden pear tomatoes at the corner of Ohio; marigolds, black eggplant; brown pepper; the taste of tomato.

MY LIFE

Slept in. Got up at 10 a.m. Feeling depressed, I went back to bed and got up at 1:30 p.m. Ate. Visited a friend.

Robin had a surprize for me ... a copy of Brokeback Mountain that we then proceeded to watch together. Not exactly the right movie to watch when I'm questioning my existence. Quotes like "I don't know how to quit you" are very poignant when I'm struggling with that exact same feeling toward someone.

So after, I went to hear the bells ring. Called my mother. Found out that my aunt Ivaloo Behrens {sp?} went on a trip to Utah and has decided at 91 she doesn't want to live alone. Makes me feel old. I remember when she was younger than I am now. But I have fond memories of her, so I'm glad to hear she is doing well. And mom mentioned my aunt's niece, Norma Mikkits, whom I haven't spoken with in years. The years ... pass.

At least the library is open and peaceful and I feel that at the end of the day, I'm actually accomplishing something.

POETRY? YOU CALL THIS POETRY?

Sharing the day

This fourth father's day
dawns with his son's expectation
a response to his joy
to the bond that's between them,
a celebration
that began one late night
with a squirt.
Now a fruition in flight,
a golden haired flurry
his son spins each morning,
to awaken the day.
Then this insight:
becoming a father's
more than 'what's meant to be',
it was right.
And this fourth father's day
is spent with his son
having fun
spreading dawn's early light. [163.315]

Gary at Four

In the shadow of his father,
he's protected from the sun.
And the miracle that gave him birth
will never be undone.

Yet mountains become valleys
their stone carried to the shores
of a seabed where they're lifted
to a mountain peak once more.

And the son will grow in stature,
pat his father on the head
and will guard his aging parent
trading shadows at the end. [163.307]

BLOGVILLE

While Party is fighting flies and playing with Batman, Tor is wrestling with LuLu! What is this place coming to? .

Interesting entry "Invalid Entry"  by C.L. Hanna ~ *Writer For Hire* about our ordinary lives and what we have aspired to be. dizzyduck reminds us in "Invalid Entry"  that our earlier writings can be a great source of mirth. cnoto's entry is just plain awesome and is my 'Treasure of the Day' quoted below. I urge you to read it, go to her port and leave a warm comment.

TREASURE OF THE DAY

"Often, we do not realize how strongly fear can whisk us into worlds we do not wish to live in. Love is a great motivator and many think hatred is its opposite. I believe the opposite of love is fear. In love, our generosity comes forth for we live in a state of abundance. In fear, we become stingy in our self-induced lack. We do things to protect ourselves that we would never consider otherwise. We are willing to relinquish everything in order to stop the breath stealing fear that numbs us to our fellow humanity. We effectively impoverish ourselves. In the grip of fear, we only know lack of support, lack of love, lack of security. All our actions, all our thoughts, are directed to the single minded intention of ridding ourselves of that fear. It is hard to be generous when you believe you have nothing. It is hard to be loving when you lose trust in others. It is hard to be rational when fear's logic is at the helm.

From "Invalid Entry"  in cnoto's blog "Invalid Item"