Mental Meanderings

The See Saw of Life

*sighs* Isn't it interesting how mood can shift dramatically from one moment to the next, from one day to another, from a single thought to the next? We bounce away on the see saw of life never knowing which moment will be up or when we'll come slamming down hard, the shock of the abrupt landing jolting up our tailbones and along the spine.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. Secure in the fact that life goes irreparably onward. That's just life isn't it? From one moment to the next it's gone behind us and there are no second chances. Which gets kind of depressing when you think about it from the wrong frame of mind. Of course melancholic thoughts sends us into spirals of doubt and defeat. We mope over the opportunities in life that have already passed by and ultimately the wallowing involved leads to more wasted moments.

A lot of people face today with a great deal of hope. New Years Day, isn't it by definition supposed to make us look forward to the year ahead? I find more often than not I look backward at the year just past and face the fact that while there has probably been a great deal that occurred this year, the true fact is that 365 days have passed and I'm about where I was at this time, this day, last year. Older, wiser perhaps, but still staring at the same screen, the same walls, feeling the same turmoil of emotions. Does life really change year by year, day by day?

It's strange to think that two days ago as we approached this point I was talking about how each day is a turning point. How regardless of the tolling of 2006 rolling into 2007 one day to the next is no different then any other day to the next. The important thing is to go into this new day with a smile and the determination to make THIS day count. But how often do we really do that? We go to sleep with good intentions but in the hazy light of the morning it all just feels too hard, too insurmountable.

I look around and feel trapped by circumstance. Sometimes it doesn't feel like there are any choices. I mean, I know there are, I could choose just to not bother getting up and sometimes I do. But in a greater picture there aren't magic doorways to step through that would make one choice matter more than another. There are no fairy godmothers to wave her magic wand and send me to the ball. There are no princes riding white horses to rescue me from the tower of reality. It's all just a steady onward trudge through life. Step by step, one foot in front of the other, the way I face a long walk home after a busy day.

I guess I should stop looking at the bigger picture and focus on the little things. It's really the little things we have power over isn't it? It's time to stop berating myself over the things that have come and gone and focus on the importance of each step. Without the first there never would be a second. To reach either we have to get up and be prepared to walk, be prepared to face the challenges along the way with the dedication to each individual step. It's time to stop counting how many steps there are to go and perhaps pay more attention to how many steps we've already accomplished.

*sighs* Of course all this is far easier to talk/write about then it is to put into practice. It's easier to say then it is to do. My heart weighs heavy tonight and a part of my yearns to turn to the strong arms of someone who just isn't there. Interesting how vital human contact sometimes seems when you have no one to reach out to. Yep, I'm in a pathetic sappy mood tonight. It's definately time to get out of my head.