The Real and Ideal

My Risks, or Lack Thereof

to risk (vb): endanger; do something despite a possible danger

I've been thinking about risks lately. I think it was meant to be. I would say something along the lines of how I don't believe in coincidence usually, but that would be a lie. I don't rely on it, but it usually gets me thinking pretty good.

So risks. I saw a poem about them on Christmas, and then again today in a book AND on my friend's Myspace. If that's not coincidence, I dunno what is. And I can even apply my thinking to my life. But usually thats the only reason we think, isn't it? Because it somehow relates to what we're doing at the time. I dunno where I'm going with this. But then again, I rarely do. Moving on now.

I've read that if you risk nothing, you are nothing. And that you should only risk what you don't want to lose. "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain, To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." How inspiring, eh?

All of this revolves around fear. Fear of what you might break, of embarrassment, of what might not be here tomorrow. Life is about not living afraid- being confident and happy and dreaming for tomorrow, but living for now. I don't know why thats such a hard concept. Courage is what everyone seems to want, but what so few possess. And when I need it, it's never there.

I always have these moments when I feel super inspired. When I want to go out and do great things and be happy with myself for my accomplishments. But you see, whenever I am really inspired, I never really do anything. It always seems to be a day when theres no hockey or school, a time when there isn't a place to make my mark. And if there is, it always wears off by then anyway.

Wow I just had bad deja vu. And I'm still having it. Ah. Anyway.

I wish that inspiration and courage could be conjured up at anytime. Like before a game, or when I see someone and can do nothing but curl up into a ball, even though I should be saying hi.

I was reading a book about mental toughness in sports, and how if you repeat a positive phrase to yourself over and over you will start to act on in subconciously. I wonder if it works in real life and not just hockey. I dunno.

I just want to be...how I know I can be. That is my potential speaking. I think. I hope. Like during the summer, when you just want to be a good skater, so you decide to hop up and go run three miles. That happens, what, twice in three months? Or hey, I think I'm going to volunteer for this...and then, whoops, there it goes, waving at me as it flits away. Wow. WHY IS THIS STUFF SO HARD? (get ready for some hard core complaining. I'm sorry ahead of time).

Why can't I strike up a decent conversation? Why is my mouth so big? Why do I think to much? Why do I screw around with the puck on the power play? Who came up with the idea of "playing hard to get"? Where is that gonna get me? Why am I so impatient for him to call? Why do we all want something more than what we have? Why can't I feel intense and inspired when I actually need it? Why is my wrist shot so horrible all of a sudden?!

Enough of that.

Today I was thinking about words again, and The Book Theif. How the words meant so much to Liesel (the main character) and how every day they seem to mean more to me. Words promote feelings- just reading them, and you can feel angry, nervous, or excited. Or anything at all. Just one phrase, and it can hit someone right where it hurts the most. It can give them the releif they need. It can get them so riled up that they want to pound some(thing/one).

It would be amazing to be able to manipulate the words. To hold them and twist them like Play-doh. To make someone feel.

I sound like such a girl. Not that there's a problem, but it's just interesting to notice that there's a difference in emotional whatevers. Something to get used to, anyway.

With the mental toughness issue, I tried making phrases that I could say to make myself play better, to get pumped and going. I tried listening to songs whose lyrics make me want to (go go go score win) and that didn't seem to work either. All it took was one unlucky shot, and one pat on the arm, and then I could go. Of course, I won't be able to recall that feeling (rage) at the drop of a hat. And therefore, I won't be able to use it tomorrow at the game.

I just need to do some more reading, probably. Something to get my mind going one way, and to get it away from the other thing. Also, I'm having a sleepover tomorrow with some of my favorites so that should be fantastic 8>)

In other news, I had a dream last night that I got a C in history due to neglect of my project. And I'm not surprised. That is why I am devoting three hours tomorrow to that stupid *** thing and I am going to try and get it done so the rest of my vacation isn't ruined by nagging, annoying, I'm-about-to-drop-rocks-on-your-head stress. I'm not even kidding, I think this is the first time I don't care about the outcome. I'll probably regret that later, but I just want it done. There are more important things in life than a 100 point project that has already taken up more time than it's worth.

I'm not worrying anymore. I am going to go to sleep, and I will sleep well. I will wake up and eat breakfast at the computer. It will taste good. I will take a quick, three-hour vacation break and do my homework like the good girl I want to be. Then I will party for the next week. And I won't worry. And I won't frantically check my phone for texts every 10 minutes. What I will do is enjoy myself and have fun with my friends. *Cue inspirational music* 8>)

I'm in a really weird mood now. Ah well. Inhale, exhale, move on. ~