Despertar

coincidences

Before my parents came over for dinner and to see the apartment, I did a sweep of my bedroom and disposed of all the breakupy, drinking-aloney alcohol. (Please skip the whole thing of telling me how pathetic that is. As you'll find out, I've already reached that conclusion for myself.)

I put the Peachtree Schnapps on top of the refrigerator, with Val's and my unopened company liquor. I hid the corkless wine bottle on one of the highest living room bookshelves. I put on a brave face and went with my parents to a tapas place, where we collectively did in a carafe of Sangria Blanca. They came back and approved of the apartment, congratulated me on how clean and pretty everything looked, exclaimed over the pristine white walls and carpets. Neither they nor I noticed the one thing I forgot to put away, a stray glass on my nightstand, half full of red wine.

The next day, yesterday, I came home after class, swung my laptop case onto the bed and knocked over the wineglass. Red wine splattered all over the white wall, cascaded onto the white carpet and stained my pale sage bedskirt. It sank into the crevices around the nightstand and dried pretty much instantly, before I even got back from CVS with emergency hydrogen peroxide to bleach out the setting stain.

That was bad enough, but then, not even an hour later, I was opening the freezer door for an ice cube, and the Peachtree bottle, apparently balanced less securely than I remembered, wobbled around a little, then fell resolutely onto the kitchen floor and shattered. This happened both in slow motion and also incredibly fast. I felt like there was tons of time to prevent it, but it was also like, one second, I recognized an impending crisis, and the next minute, my floor was covered with a centimeter-thick pool of sticky, sweet-smelling liqueur.

Val wasn't home, so I rolled up my pants, sloshed Fabuloso everywhere and started cleaning alone. Worst, stickiest, most endless job ever, but partway into it, I found myself on a bizarre, possibly chemically enhanced high. Look at you, I thought to myself, fucking up without freaking out. Taking charge, just like Stacy London would. In homemade capris, no less. You're handling this so well, this breakup, this mess. You cried for days and you thought you could go on for even longer but you didn't, you didn't even relapse when this happened, this sudden, disgusting setback. You are pretty awesome.

Then, thirty minutes later, stil cleaning, I looked down at myself and realized I was still cleaning, the bottoms of my feet were dirty and no one was around to be impressed with me. No one was watching me through a window, inspired by my fortitutde, writing song lyrics about the broken-hearted girl with her mop in hand. Because, why should that impress anyone? Justin wasn't Marcus, but he didn't need to be to bring out the worst in me. And I shouldn't have spilled all that stuff in the first place. There's no virtue in creating problems, and even less in damage control. There's no virtue in drinking alone. No virtue in staying friends with someone more interested in his own conscience than in your feelings.

All of those things are exactly what they are: pathetic. You, are, just, pathetic.

*

1. If someone were to tell you they like you right now, would you care?
Deeply. If Justin were to say it again, I would probably lose the battle with myself and smack him. If anyone else said it, I feel like I would take great pleasure in shooting him down. That's the worst thing that's come of all this. Right now, what excites me most about this new condition of singledom is my new freedom to break other people's hearts. Which scares me. I didn't feel vengeful after Marcus. It scares me that I'm excited about the possbility of hurting someone else.

2. Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
Yes.

3. Do you have a best friend?
I have two, plus two others vying for the title because they didn't want to date me.

4. Do you remember what you were doing like a year ago?
Starting law school.

5. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Brandon. It was weird. But I really, really didn't want to cry in front of Justin. I thought it would ruin any chance of an actual friendship. Oh, but also, my mom.

6. Where are you right now, and how do you feel about where you are?
I'm in Taxation I, and I feel pretty good about it. I'm on call today. I prepared for about six hours, and now he's grilling me about restrictions on taxable income. This is the first time I've ever been this prepared. It's a good feeling, but it doesn't feel as good as, say, a good kiss. Which is why I can't understand how some people do the academic thing at the expense of all else.

7. What are you listening to?
The professor, lecturing. He's got one of those Daffy Duck voices that makes my skin tingle. I look forward to his class more than any of the others.

8. Where do you keep your money?
In the bank. I don't keep my cash anywhere because I never have any. I burn through cash like a lighter.

9. Who do you love right now?
This professor. Listening to him talk is like getting a good massage.

10. Last time you had a sleepover with the opposite sex?
Last Thursday, which, had I know it was the last time, probably wouldn't have happened.

11. Where did your last hug take place?
Yesterday evening in front of my building, with my dad, who brought me my glasses, which I had left at home that first miserable night.

12. Where were you at 2:02 this morning?
Under the covers, watching What Not to Wear on DVD and wishing I had some groceries.

13. Last place you took a plane to?
To and from Nassau, Bahamas. The prettiest flight I've ever taken.

14. Who did you last go out to eat with?
My parents, and I have to say, I really appreciate my dad, the lifelong teetotaler I've never seen take more than a couple of sips of wine, indulging me with that white sangria. He wants to be there for me about stuff, he just doesn't always know how. My mom, who is infinitely more perceptive, wavered, saying, well, she probably doesn't really need alcohol right now.

15. Do you have unlimited texting?
I forget. I always exceed my allotment, so I think I switched over this time, but it would be like me to get that wrong and go over, again.

16. When is the last time you took a nap?
Periodically throughout all of yesterday.

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Meg, maybe, but also, until I feel better, I think I'm going to keep my phone far, far way from my person at all times. I still get that heart-lifty feeling every single time the phone rings, hoping it'll be the just kidding!!! call. Which it won't, ever, which I know, but I'm still disappointed every time it's anyone else.

18. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I talk about them with three people and hide them from everyone else, particularly Valerie. She is, without a doubt, the worst person to talk to about feelings, because she's been therapied to the point where her own are hardly recognizable even to herself anymore. Her emotional literacy is oversaturated with buzzwords and excessive vindication, and if you're already sad, it makes you sadder. Last night, she walked up to me and offered to let me borrow It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, which I wouldn't read at gunpoint.

19. Do you wear glasses?
Or contacts.

20. What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Jesus. Not a damn thing.

21. What are your plans for later?
Chinese food, TV, bachelorette party, home.

22. What are you doing tomorrow?
Stop asking me questions I don't want to think about, please.

23. Are you happy with life right now?
I don't know. Instinctively I'd say no, because I'm not happy, but I think the only thing missing is the relationship I wanted to have in place by now, and I don't think I'd feel that way if I hadn't expected it to happen. I'm conflicted, because the more I think about them, these happy relationships that never quite materialize, the more I have to wonder how I'd occupy my emotional energy if one actually did pan out. Could I have stayed happy with Justin once the challenge of winning him lifted? Would that narrow accomplishment have been enough to motivate me through a bunch of classes I hate? It's making me nauseous, even thinking about it. I don't think I even want to find out what life is like when you already have everything you think you wanted.

24. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
I do it every day. It's involuntary, almost.

25. Are you currently jealous?
Generally speaking, yes, but not of anyone in particular.

26. Do you wish you were someone else?
I wish I had been born a man. Not because I have an excess of testosterone or anything, but because I think they are happier, generally.

27. What jewelry are you wearing?
Cheap Claire's hoops in my second holes, bigger, less cheap Claire's hoops in my first holes, two silver stack rings, one with a pink rhododite, fiercest belly button ring I've ever seen or owned, no toe ring because I lost it in Justin's friend's pool.

28. Can you lick your elbow?
Yes.

29. Last thing you bought?
A bottle of cranberry juice.

30. If someone looked ON your bed, what would they find?
Evidence that I spent a total of about fourteen hours in it yesterday. And probably stray red wine stains on the right side.

31. Are you a cuddler?
Conditionally. I think I would hate cuddling with someone who was really, really into me. The way Chris always wanted to cuddle made me feel murderous.

32. What would someone find UNDER your bed?
Yet more red wine stains and the surge protector that powers my alarm clock, lamps and cell phone charger.

33. Who will you see the most this weekend besides family?
Everyone else who attends Kristin's all-weekend wedding.

34. What is the last movie you watched?
Clue, which is like a security blanket.

35. Who were the last two people to call you?
Kristin (to ask me to ask Tina if she wanted to come to the wedding after all) and this weird guy, Steve (probably to beg me for a date, but I won't call him back because he's too nice and he's catching me at the wrong time).

36. Who's the fifteenth text in your inbox from?
My cousin. My parents must have told him about Justin; he's upped his offerings to several pointless text a day. Which, again, I appreciate, but people, really, I am not in the mood.

37. Do you drink tea?
I don't get what's supposedly so amazing about it. I tend to find people who pretend they love it pretty pretentious.

38. What were you doing at ten p.m. Friday night?
Having sex.

39. It's midnight, who are you talking to?
No, it isn't.

40. Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have?
Yes, and it's an awful feeling.

41. Do you have siblings?
Yes.

42. Where did you grow up?
Silver Spring, Maryland.

43. Who taught you how to ride a bike?
Who taught you how to write a survey of consistent momentum?

44. Who do you trust most in your life?
My mom.

45. Do you want kids?
I'm afraid to want them as badly as I do, because it occurs to me, now that I've ruined two relationships that probably wouldn't have led to marriage but potentially could have. Anything else I want very badly, I can work toward, but I can't make someone love me who already doesn't, and I can't be happy with someone who already does. Adopting is a distant second choice to procreating the natural way, and I don't really believe I'd ever be inseminated by a stranger. It might seem very premature, freaking out about this, but it's more about the principle. There isn't anything else I want as much as a perfect nuclear family, and that's the one thing I can't make happen through hard work and patience.

46. Winter or summer?
The food is better in summer.

47. What's the number one thing you want in life right now?
Relief from this impotent, lonely feeling.

48. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Till three, because I can never sleep unaided anymore and I was tired of feeling like a wino. Also because Generation Three is starting to make babies and I wanted to see how some things would turn out.

49. What was the first thing that you thought of this morning?
That I'm really not a teenager anymore, because I no longer have the biological ability to sleep late. I woke up at eight-thirty, two full hours before my alarm went off. And for no good reason. No noise, no bad dream. Just my body ready to begin a day my mind already hated.

50. Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?
That was Chris.

51. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"Me too! Thanks for checking!" From Kristin, who shares my disappointment that Tina can't come to the wedding.

52. What were you doing at eleven o'clock a.m.?
These time questions are monotonous and unrewardingly challenging.

53. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you talk to 24/7?
The only person I talk to that often is Tina, and really that's not even true during Fashion Week.

54. Are you ticklish?
Yes.

55. How is your hair?
Awful.

56. What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
I hope this doesn't turn into sex, because Aviane has WRECKED my body and I have no idea whether I'm bleeding or not right now. You asked.

57. Does anyone call you "babe"?
Sometimes Marcus does, but he's full of shit. I am neither his beloved nor a pig.

58. How's your heart lately?
Heavy and achy.

59. Name something that made you frown today?
An hour ago, the professor deviated from the fact pattern in the reading and asked me to name circumstances under which an increase in the value of company-issued stock shares would be taxable under the preferential ordinary income rate. That made me frown pretty mightily.

60. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Chances are I probably will, and then he will finally lose his last shreds of respect for me, and echoes of the nail meeting the coffin will be audible as far away as where Caroline lives.

61. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nothing.

*

I just peeked ahead and this survey is actually like three surveys patchworked together. It goes on and on and on. I'm stopping here.