On My Happy Cloud

Unleashing

There are some people you can't tell everything. For me, I can't tell anyone everything.

Last night something inside me clicked and I realized that I keep so much from people. From everyone. There isn't a single person I will tell every deep fear and sadness I have. Is that good, or bad?

It was strange last night. One second me and Bobby are having coffee and laughing and getting along fine and all of a sudden I become angry. And then on our way home I just let everything out. I just kept talking and talking. About how people made me sad and let me down. How I felt I give so much of myself and have so little returned. How I am being punished because I don't have my life figured out yet.

"I just need....one stable thing in my life. Just one thing because everything I ever care about goes away." It all goes away without looking back at me.

I told him it was like putting all your money into a slot machine and taking your chances and always ending up with nothing.

I cried a little last night. Bobby held my hand and kissed it and didn't say anything. He let the flood come without any judgment.

It was amazing for him to just be there. To just let me talk without offering what he thought. Without trying to fix anything. Because anything I ever tell anyone, they want to help fix and they give up. And I'm too messed up to have anything good in my life but I think he sees something different in me.

I couldn't stop talking and I couldn't stop thinking that maybe he was going to realize I'm not good enough after all and his whole thinking about me would change.

...but it didn't. I finally felt better after he let me unleash on him everything I have ever felt. We stood in my kitchen and he he held me and made me look at him:

"I want you to know that I am happy to be a part of your life."


I wonder now if maybe I am good enough after all.



Elaine Bradley