On My Happy Cloud

Why Hearing "I Love You" is Better Than Sex

I'm not sure it counts for someone to say they love you when they've been drinking. I remember last weekend going to the little po-dunk tavern in the small town where I live and drinking entirely too much. Bobby usually lets me do this and will buy me drinks as long as he thinks it's safe to do so. But being walking distance away from the tavern to my apartment we both decided to get a little carried away. Half the time I say certain things and act certain ways is depending on the ambiance of where I am...the mood that is set because in my head, I'm quite dramatic. I always look for that dramatic effect. Add alcohol and it gets out of control.

Bobby had given me 3 dollars to put in the juke box and Pink's "Sober" was playing. My head was swimming. Bobby was sitting on a bar stool and I was standing up, nestled in between his legs touching his face.

"Tell me everything I want to hear" I whispered.

"I love you." He replied. And he meant it.

"How did you know?" I asked this meaning 'how did you know it's what I wanted to hear?' because I know now that it was.

"Because...I'm scared."



After a moment like that, you wait for it to happen again. And in my case it was an awesome moment but it didn't count. Would you count the first time you made love to someone (not the first time ever but the first time with a certain person you were attached to) if you were drunk? I wouldn't. So, I waited for it to happen again and it reminded me of when you are in a relationship and you decide to have sex and it's amazing and beautiful and you just...can't wait for it to happen again.

I was like that in the week following the bar "I love you" scene. Waiting to heart it, wanting to hear it again. It meant more to me than sex did. And he said it again.

With each time he says it I hear a hesitation...not that he doesn't mean it but a hesitation in that he DOES mean it and it really, truly does scare him. A few times have been "I love you...don't hurt me. Just, please don't hurt me."

And I couldn't hurt him. He's been hurt before. So have I. But I look at him and I know...I just KNOW I couldn't ever hurt him.

And me...what's my problem? I say "I love you" to everyone. To everything! I love everything. I throw the word around loosely with no hesitation or thought of it. With Bobby...I have a hard time saying it. It will come out as "me hearts you" in a cute little manner. Which, the first time I said that particular phrase to him he smiled and said "love you too, babe" lol. I guess he gets me.

I just don't know why I have such a problem saying THOSE words to HIM. Unless, I've been drinking. What is it?

Last night him and a friend of mine (I must discuss the story of her some other time) went to go see my boys, State Secret (local band I used to follow around all the time) and I was tipsy again and so was he. But I did say the three words to him. Which I got back in return with a sigh of relief with how there was no rejection. But he again had to tell me to just not hurt him. We're both so scared of it all happening again.

FUCK! I AM scared!

Ok, anyway. We were sitting on the staircase in the bar away from all the flippin' smoke, which with me being sick was absolutely killing me, and he was on the steps below me. He looked up at me and said "do you have children's names picked out?" LOL I have to laugh at imagining what my face must have looked like to him. I could see my head doing one of those ACME Loony Tune head spin-double take.

"WHY?" I asked, truly taken aback. Really, he just was curious. He said "because I know you write fantasy fiction type stuff and I just wanted to know if you had weird names made up." hahahaha. No, they're pretty normal actually. Just in case you want to know: Boys: Jasper or Kellan and Girls: Quinn, Quil, Noelle or Anya.

He then argued with me that a girl named Noelle would get made fun of. I asked him if he had names picked out. For girls, I know he said Corrine but I can't remember the other ones. I think I was still kind of in shock that he was asking me this.

Why?

Because it's the first time I've ever had this conversation with someone I've been in a relationship with.....

Whew. Day by day, I feel like I'm getting the wind knocked out of me. But it's a good feeling and I think I know what it means.....

Much love and happiness friends,

Elaine Bradley