Defying Fortune

Stop and Stare.

((The Music))
Today I've chosen a song that fits a certain sense of understanding - I think I've lost my mind. Having lost my mind, it seems that all that's left is to stop and stare. Hence the song. It's catchy; slightly plucky. OneRepublic is a new band with good potential. I could probably pontificate more, but that will only prove to harsh the point.

Stop
         And
                   Stare.

I think I'm moving, but I go
                                                 Nowhere...

((The Life))
I've been feeling very blah of late. A persisting state that has stretched the very limits of my being. My writing has gone down the drain, both academically and creatively. My mental health has been less than stellar. I look like a rotten potato. There's more, but it makes me sound like a whiny mongoose.

The goal for the next coming week or so it to cut the feelings off at the curb. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, but it is one of my main goals. This is ludicrous. I can't stand it. I can't stand bring myself most of the time now, and the only one who can change that is me.

So I've decided to keep moving forward.

Being on campus has made things interesting for me, especially when I have a couple of hours to kill between classes. Last Thursday in my Tai Chi class we learned practical applications to the different movements. Pairing up with other students we practiced different blocking techniques, and my partner and I got along well. As different instructors came along we learned one valuable lessons - we're fighters when it comes to "fight or flight" responses. Instead of backing away from strikes, we lean towards them. Blocking in Tai Chi is all about kinetic efficiency. You let the attacker have what they want, and force them off their game. She and I had to fight instinct, though we were rare exceptions, to learn to move with the hits. It was one hell of a class.

During that exercise it also brought to mind how much I don't like being touched by people I don't know. My partner was fine, but the help from the instructors was difficult. This problem has been a problem for me for years. I know why...I just wish I knew how to handle it better. I flinch, then fight back. Always. I have to hold myself stiff if I get hugs from random people. I telegraph my feelings in my face, too. There's no transparency. I feel like a lunatic sometimes.

After that class I sat with my sandwich at a table that faces the northern parking lot, three levels up. I stared out into the sunset and thought about why I do what I do, and why I feel what I feel. This gave birth to a scene and a girl who's name I have yet to learn. She wants her story told. I want her story told. For both our sakes.

It still surprises me the amount of subconscious it takes to fuel my imagination. There are times I feel like I've been brained by a never-ending book that contains thousand of stories. Where does it go? Where does it end? How much of me is me, and them is them? At the end of the day I'm left with more questions, but at least I keep asking. I'm blah but I keep asking.

I might even get an actual answer one day.