Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about babies for sale.

THE PROMPT: "What is the "worst" thing parents do to their children? Bearing in mind this is a humor prompt and not an expose." (The Funny Friday prompt)

Good evening y'all! It's "Funny Friday" and whatnot, so strap on your funny pants like you're goin' golfin' and let's kick some words, alright?

I'm not a parent, but I've dated a few in my day. I try to be the good cop to the bad cop in these situations; after all, if the kids like you, the mom will generally adore you, depending on the situation, of course. Of course, we all remember the prompt earlier in the week about giving advice, and how bad I am at taking my own...I've been tellin' silly boys for years if they see chicks with kids, run!! But my last two girlfriends have had kids. Yes, I'm the chicken and the egg, sitting in a frying pan. But I look at it like this...I'm 36. The crop of single women out there that are my age probably already have kids, or they're crazy cat ladies, or they're just crazy like the end of a sentence: period. There are a few exceptions, but there's exceptions to everything, and usually I'm the killer of exceptions.

So anyway, speaking of crazy, let's actually talk about what I came into this box to talk about. The "worst thing" parents do to their kids, in a funny and "non-Jerry Springer" kind of way. Well, that leaves out divorces or breaking up. Or driving them off a cliff as you roll out of a car. Or plopping the toddlers in front of the tv when you want to go out and film the next episode of "Bad Bad Daddy".

Honestly, there's two things parents do that are pretty awful in a funny way...dress the kids ridiculously when they were too young to dress themselves, and show them pictures they took of their kids when they're teenagers of those days. It's not the kids' faults that fashions change, or that maybe mommy and daddy's (or another relative's) bad judgement needs to be relived.

Case in point: I was born in 1975. I had a great-uncle who was also my godfather, and I guess he had some money. When I turned three, he bought me three Leisure Suits, which apparently were popular at the time. Thankfully I have not seen any pictures of this, but the thought that at any point in my life I may have actually worn them just terrifies the living shit outta me. These poor kids who get dressed beyond their will...it's hilarious!! Until you're a teenager and you've seen that it happens to you when you're at a family party and someone busts out the old photo albums for the long-lost relative. That's when the reunion cake gets thrown on the ground. That's my word.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

Two days from now, at this time, I'll be at this concert, and I wouldn't mind hearing this, because it's hilarious and I can picture it happening at a particular bar I used to go to more times than I care to admit to.

VITAL STATS:

My boy Scottie K was a old co-worker of mine a few years back, when the Sabres were making a run at the Stanley Cup in hockey. He was so diehard, that during the playoffs, he was doing everything he could to get tickets to the home playoff games. And once, he couldn't, so me, him and Bro Mike went down to the arena anyway, where they were showing the game outside on two giant screens. It was a legendary game in Sabres history... http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/18498365-nhl/ I've never hugged so many random stangers at one time in my life than that night. Anyway, Scottie K would grab his buddies, hop in his car, and look for scalpers selling tickets. They'd hold signs saying, "WE BUY TICKETS!!". It was always in his windshield when I'd get in his car. The one day, someone defaced his sign. I laughed my ass off when it said, "WE BUY TICKETS!! BABIES!!" To this day, I still don't know if I've gotten the whole story...maybe they were offering to buy the babies of...wait, I don't even know if I can speculate. Crackheads, so they could resell them for tickets? Next time I catch up with Kielsy, I'll have to get the lowdown again.

Eh, enough storytellin' for one night. Time to take care of some biz and move on with the night. Peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!

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