Shadow Puppet Storyteller

When Christmas has you

I have not written a family letter to send with end-of-the-year cards probably for decades, now. Not that it was a huge tradition for me. I may have only done it once. I have cousins that do it, and my mom has been dedicated to it for at least as long as I have been hesitant. Once, my Grandmother noticed I was not the typical mom, where were the pictures of my kids? I had portraits -- not necessarily "family" and not always annually -- but I guess I did not carry them on me to her expectation. When school pictures started, of course that became a nudge annually to send; the intent being at Christmas, but often it became New Years' or Valentine gifts. She wasn't directly counseling me to carry a brag book, but I felt it was clear she was noting I was outside the norm of society.

I am wondering today if I have struggled financially just trying to live up to expectation.

It is two days from the Christmas holiday here in the United States. I live a short drive from the Grove, a shopping mall adjacent to the classic Farmers Market at 3rd and Fairfax. And I would love to drive my two children and my husband there, and say, "go pick something out as my Christmas gift to you." In my ideal heart, it would be for the experience of seeing the glee on their faces, (or puzzled consternation), to enjoy the shopping experience, and to take in the abundance of colorful decorations and lights. Let's face it, to buy an expensive, store-bought gift on command (and blissfully imagining no parking hassle) -- that experience would be for me. But is that what Christmas has become for me? Is this why my inability to supply this fantasy has me wondering what's going on?

I feel like joining others saying this has been a less than ideal year. I have not convinced myself yet whether I have or have not made the best financial decisions. I have been capable of making decisions. I have made it through the year with a job. In spirit, I've kept up. But the boogey man is creeping in. A repeating theme has been my needing to make the financial picture more transparent than I ever have with my kids and my spouse. Sometimes, it has been like beating them over the head with it; especially when convenience-store snack decisions are too often (daily). And I don't like being that monitor. For a few days, I have thought I could talk to my teenage kids about how we must happily give of what we have.

It reminds me of a book from when I was a child, The Great Me and the Little Me. In it, the author attempts to teach a spiritual principle. It has to do with recognizing ego and choosing to be mindful and active to keep that little me distant. If feeling it overwhelming one's actions, to literally blow one's breath outward like in blowing out a candle. And to know we cannot keep our good from us -- same as we cannot keep air from rushing back to our lungs. It further teaches young ones to recognize a God-presence, which is the Great Me, and which a child, especially, is capable of bringing forward in situations.

And the importance of Christmas for everyone can look like this same model -- the little "c" christmas holiday being the anxious thing we make it. The Christmas with the capital "C" which stands for the Christ consciousness being with us in the world -- that is when we experience the holiday as the Great Me.

Perhaps it should be as easy as breathing. May my Christmas and your Christmas be free-breathing.

Best line from Tin Man (2007)
"You know you really should do something about that BITTER cynicism of yours Cain."

Cain:
"Why? Someones gotta keep your wide eyed optimism in check."