Just Be There Blog

Second Writing Assignment

Writing has been first and foremost my tool for healing. Yesterday's blog reflected progress in my personal growth ten years after a devastating loss. This that follows is the second 'writing assignment' that reflects my healing process. I also hope to give this letter to the person it is written to. It is a door closer, in that, I am finally removing my foot so the door can now shut.


A Letter
Okay, let me first start with the statement which reflects a huge assumption on my part. Here it is:

You will never know (thus the assumption) the effects of your declaration that you no longer loved me and your leaving me had upon me.

I didn't shatter, but only because of the defense mechanisms I'd developed to prevent such to occur. I can honestly say that the grief of the death of my son is the only pain that bests the pain of your leaving. I will never fully recover from Chris' death, but I am relieved to realize that I am recovering from your divorcing me from your life.

It has taken me ten plus years to forgive you for not loving me as deeply and as genuinely as I've loved you. I'm sure you may have your regrets, but I am equally sure you have never loved a partner as deeply as you were loved. It was too easy for you to sneak away.



To prove to you that I am 'over it', I write you this letter. My wish for you is that you find the love of your life and that your love is truly reciprocated. I have never wished for anyone else or you to experience the pain I have endured with the loss of your 'illusion of love' in my life; just as, I would never, ever wish on anyone the pain of the loss of a child. This pain, the loss of a child, I believe you can understand. You helped raise Chris and I know you loved him.

Before you left, my love was such that I wanted to share in your life. These last painful years I wanted you to understand how your leaving devastated me. Recently, I've come to realize, it is no longer important to me that you understand how deeply I was hurt by your quitting our partnership. It was this personnal realization that told me I am finally able to forgive. I no longer love you as I once did. I don't think I will ever be that blind, again. However, not loving you as I did before is not to say I don't still love you. I know whenever and wherever we meet, I can feel friendship without the hurt. You might be startled to see the person 'you fell in love with.' But, I hope you don't feel regret. I may not be a better person (I know I have always been and will always be a good person), but I have grown wiser and stronger these last ten plus years. I am sad you will never share in my growth or the rest of my life first hand. I am sad I will never share in your life experiences. I forgive your incapacity to love me. Now, I must tend to the buisness of picking up the pieces of my life and move on into my future.

So, until we meet again, may all your roads lead to only good places.
Deb


Yep, foot removed. Checking for broken bones--nope no need for a walking cast. And thus, the door is finally closed. I heard the snick of that inner mechanism as it slipped into the cut out part of the door frame.

--okay all you carpenters out there--what is that inner part of the door knob mechanism called? And--What is the cut out hole in the door frame called?


added March 23, 2014 at 9:51pm
SWEET! it's my turn to add to the campfire again And, of course, I don't have anything written up to just paste in. One of these days I will be on top of it; just not today.

I have tonight (which for me, ends when I go to bed in about ten hours) to read and review, write up a finish to my Prairie Dog Trickster campfire addition, and possibly add to the Write Baton interactive.

I may just tour some forums too. It has been years since I walked the crowded halls of the WdC Forum Community.