Who do I still think I am??

This one's about the Perfect World and skills.

30DBC PROMPT: "We all have our own idea of what a perfect world would look like. What does your perfect world look like? What part of your real life wouldn't be part of your perfect world. Is there anything you currently enjoy that can't be part of your perfect world?"

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What's up, players? I think it's time to finally make steps (trepidatiously) to "Invalid Item"  so I can catch up with some of my old crew. I'd love to say I'd just sneak in through the back and grab a booth in the corner to sip from a bottle my premium Fivesixer's Magical Elixir (no joke...it's the most expensive stuff on the menu and the glass it's served in is marked off by its own velvet rope) while quietly observing the action around me, but you guys and gals won't have none of that once you figure out it's me under that hat. So glasses up, first round of shots is on me, and ¡salud!

The idea of a perfect world always seems to end up complicated and unattainable by nature...but then again does anything worth having also come easy and without cost (physically, emotionally, or otherwise)? There's money, fame, extravagance, excess...but that doesn't necessarily signify utopia. And because I know that I'm not just gonna wake up one day and be like "Yup, this is it!", I have a hard time trying to figure what the "Perfect World" would look like from my perspective. Maybe it should just be simple...it doesn't need to include all the spoils that come with the territory. It wouldn't require seven different types of meds to function hand-in-hand like a normal, happy, well-adjusted person or combat the side effects of that. It doesn't require being driven around by the transit bus driver or a chauffer. My house doesn't need more than one bathroom or other folks inhabiting it than I care to clean up after. Screw this "Perfect World" nonsense...mine would be a normal existence, a decent job that doesn't make me wanna choke people, and the same opportunities in life that everyone seems afforded.

The ability to deal with everyday struggles and successes would be nice too.

I can't even say the "Perfect World" would involve the removal of all the people who piss me off or situations that would frustrate me, 'cuz then that'd get kinda boring and I'd have an even harder time coming up with enough material to stick in this space of internet continuum that people seem to like once in awhile. But I could live without the idea of it being socially acceptable to be forced to be nice to people. When we're young we're told "honesty is the best policy" and "the truth will set you free", yet every day how often are you asked "How are you today?" by someone who in reality probably doesn't care and you respond with "Fine, thanks!" even though you're really not and you know the person asking doesn't wanna hear your sob story? To hell with that. I wanna walk into a store, get greeted with "What the hell do you want?" and snap at them "Peanut butter cups...I want all the fucking peanut butter cups I can carry. And no, I don't wanna donate a dollar to your stupid charity either...not yesterday, not today, and not next week. Never." In fact, if I could not get greeted at all, I'd probably appreciate that even more. Unless there's a little thought bubble appearing over my head that says " Say something nice to this guy today to cheer him up." That, I'm ok with.

The stuff I do enjoy that wouldn't be in my "Perfect World"? Now that's a hard question. I could do without baseball cards, but then again I probably haven't bought a pack of cards since I was 14. Technology? Too reliant on it. Same with hot water. The Spaghettios with the sliced hot dogs in 'em? Eventually I'd find myself just going the extra couple of steps and making my own hot dogs to put up in that mess of nutritional waste anyway. Even fruit...I like a variety of different fruits (but separately; not all mixed up together) although I hardly eat them anymore or as much as I should be, but then where would all the fun bloggers be hangin' out at this month? Andre's of Manitoba Curling Pub & Pretzel House? (That does kinda have a nice ring to it though.)

Maybe the question should more look like "What amazing thing would you be willing to give up/part with if it meant living in your ideal existence?" Still a hard question, but it's a little more malleable. I'd give up late-night television. I'd probably fall asleep faster, rest better, and then down the road think "Hey, there's this void in life between the hours of 11:30pm and 1:30am, and SportsCenter will only be repeats until the morning, and sometimes people laugh at the stuff I do and say...maybe I can make some money and have some fun, if I could only find a way to get people to pay for the opportunity of having me get them to laugh." Not only would life be perfect, but then I'd be, like, legendary and stuff. Which then negates damn near everything I railed against in the first few paragraphs of this entry. The circle of life...sigh.

Otherwise, catch me in the corner booth of "Invalid Item" , mindin' my biz until it's your turn to get the next round, and don't be stingy.

BCF PROMPT: "What are you most skilled in?"

Before I answer this, I should probably mention that my ten Easter Eggs are hidden in my port for the "Invalid Item" , but I should warn you that you'll have to be a member of the "Blogging Circle of Friends "  if you want to participate. I didn't know that going in when I plugged the contest, although I probably subconsciously did and paid it no mind. I guess if you really wanted to, you could still search for the Eggs, and then maybe offer a bribe "help" the other participants find them, but that doesn't help me much so for that reason alone I'm not advocating a rigging of the system (that's some February Blog Mob type of game if I ever heard it). So all's fair and copacetic on my end.

Now, I wouldn't say that I have any skills that I'm particularly fond of, but then again I'm not one to speak very highly of things that I know I do better than others anyway, because I wouldn't want to be on the flipside of that coin having to hear about how well you can do things that I coincidently am not so talented at. You'll be like "I can make my eggs better than you can" or "my babymama's kids are prettier than you" and I'll politely smile sheepishly while wanting to punch your stupid kids out for having a dumb babydaddy (maybe that's why we're discouraged from telling and/or acting upon the truth, as I noted in the first part of today's entry).

Back in the day though, I had a pretty decent jump shot. Not so much today. And I can drink a six-pack of Mountain Dew and still stand still. Ok, that's a lie, but not for lack of effort. Is being inconsistent a skill? 'Cuz I'm pretty stellar at being inconsistent, if I do say so myself (*looks around* *hopes nobody's ever said that before* *rolls eyes at his own lame attempt at humor* *rolls his eyes again at referring to himself as "him"*). Wow...I think I've really got nothin' for this prompt. Go find my Easter Eggs!!

I will say, however, I've re-mastered the art of going up and down stairs while on crutches, but grocery shopping...well, not so much. [Side note: Damn all you old people for hoggin' up all the motorized shopping carts at the supermega grocery store during a busy afternoon, because I don't know how to pay attention to where I'm goin' while having to push a regular cart manually while wearing a giant fucking inflatable boot on my leg. I swear if there's one staple out of place once I unwrap this damn leg, I'm throwing a rock through the window of the closest senior citizen center I come by.] If there were a gold medal at some kind of alternate reality Olympics (non-store division) for maneuvering with the assistance of crutches, I'll be more than happy to tell you how much I should win it (note that I didn't say "want to win it"). There's like 400 billion things in the world (give or take a few) I could be good at...and that's the best I can do today. Ask me again tomorrow. Maybe I'll wake up having been gifted with some other crazy talent no one's ever heard before.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

You don't need to know what they are...just know I've got 'em.

THE DAILY BOX SCORE:

So yeah, today was the first day I really decided to go anywhere besides my block since the day after I got out of the hospital, and like I said, I don't know what I'm doin' when I'm grocery shopping. On the plus side, I didn't destroy anything by ramming into it with a motorized shopping cart designed for people with bigger problems than me ("This one's not about the Oscars." ). What I did do, in the absence of thought while seeing more than a handful of people in one area at any given time recently, was step on the wheel of the cart with my bad leg as I was pushing it. And it hurt. I think it hurt my knee more, actually, but it still wasn't fun. And could I do this in an aisle; maybe one hardly anyone goes down this time of year, like the school supplies section or the "too cold for summer, too warm for winter" area of products in limbo? Nope. Had to do it in front of half the city of Cortland, between the customer service area and all the open check-out registers. But nobody...I say nobody...says "Ow!" and "Dammit!" in public and then keeps pushin' his cart with two crutches stickin' out in every direction like he didn't just try to run over his own awkward, stapled-shut leg like me. Go on, print this out, grab your red pencil, and scribble that last sentence up in the "Blogging Circle of Friends "  prompt portion of this entry. I'll wait.

And how dare that damn grocery store be out of slices of their amazing breakfast pizza at 3:30 in the afternoon? No words, Tops Friendly Market...no words for you about this total lack of judgment on behalf of your Carry-Out Café staff.

And I think that's about enough excitement for one day. Time to see what kind of damage (if any) I've done to the stuff holding my leg together, medicate, and see how much trouble everyone else is trying to talk themselves out of at Andre's. Peace, it's the Futterman's Rule, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!