The Undiscovered Country

Shades of Responsibility

I don't really want to write about the books or movie of Fifty Shades of Grey. This is because I have read none of the books, nor have I seen the movie.

Nor do I plan to do either. There are better uses of my time.

Instead, I want to talk about other people talking about it.

Most agree it's a terrible movie. Even so, many are predicting it will break movie-going records. It could be due to morbid curiosity, but according to what I've read so far, people also find it entertaining.

Sexual, physical and emotional abuse is entertaining, apparently.

But I get off topic.

Those who despise the books and movie are upset -- and rightly so -- that the writers and producers are glorifying such abuse and trying to make it appear mainstream and even something to strive for.

What bothers me at the moment is who they're blaming for the acceptance of such behavior.

It ranges from blaming the abused to the abuser, but they also blame society and the so-called rape culture; how it's all the fault of male-controlled society and how men are teaching women they deserve to be abused.

While on some level that may be true, it's also used as an excuse for the individual abuser to shirk his/her responsibility for their own actions. Many abusers say they're not responsible, because they themselves were abused or grew up watching other adults abuse their significant others.

If it were the fault of males in general, why, then is the writer a woman, and that the books and movie are purchased, read and watched by a larger percentage of women than men?

I have even read social media posts from women proclaiming their undying love for Christian Grey and how they want to find their own version of the man.

What. The. Hell.

I'll even go so far to say that the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon is showing that more women are perpetuating the idea that a man taking sexual control of a woman is sexy more than men are.

Now I do have the question: What is it about these women that they believe they deserve to be treated like trash? Is it society's fault? Is it their parents? Magazines and entertainment that proclaim that if women don't fit a particular look are unworthy of true love and respect?

I do believe it's a factor, but let's not use it as an excuse to not rise above what society tries to dictate. Let's hold the individual responsible for his/her actions.

As one who lived in an abusive relationship for a few years, I do sympathize with people in similar situations. They are incredibly difficult to get out of, because the abuser is so -- at first -- subtly manipulative. It starts by breaking down the person's self-esteem, while at the same time using the abused's pride and self-importance that they can change a person into something else -- something better. By the time the abused realize the trouble they're in, they are so broken down, they believe that they are incapable of escape, and that they don't deserve anything better.

I wish I could tell every one of those men and women in abusive relationships that they are beautiful, smart and strong; that they are worthy of real love, compassion, kindness and respect. A person's manipulative sexual, physical and emotional control is not sexy, or even right. It's also illegal -- and worse -- results in long-term physical, emotional and spiritual damage to both the abused and the abuser.

There are no easy answers, because again, it's all about individual responsibility. I can't control other people's actions; I can only control mine. I get to decide every day how I treat someone, and I have the power to stay or walk away from someone who treats me well or badly.

I just wish there was a way for me to tell every man and woman they do have the same power of choice (in most countries, anyway). The fact I can't is what frustrates me the most.