MY NEWBIE IS SHOWING

Guess the Word

I think every idiot driver on the planet has managed to find his or her way to Minnesota. Check this out…I am about to merge into the exit lane but I can’t because there is a car moving up fast. She blew by me like I was standing still. I checked, I was 60 mph. I was dust in a matter of seconds. I thought to myself: Self, You are lucky there aren’t anymore stupids out there.


But I was wrong. I met her brother – feel better if this level of stupid was limited to one gene pool – blew by me at 65 mph, saw the orange construction cones, put himself in between me and the car in front of me and in front of the semi in one lane over. Then that lane got to slow, so he jacked my lane again, this time in front of the car in front of me. Awful lot of risk for no gain if you ask me.


But the truck drivers have us figured out. The guy this morning got sick of being aced out, so he rode straight down the number 1 lane and the merge lane preventing anything stupid. I thought it was a brilliant solution. I gave him a high-5, but I don’t think he saw it.


Then we have our share of lulu birds. I saw a for – real flower power car. I first espied this character 15 years ago. At that time he turned his car into an Egyptian King’s Tomb. When that car bit the dust he bought a cheap car and covered it up with thrift store and church rummage sale plates and platters of all sizes. He was kind enough to put a skeleton bobble head to wave at passengers who followed him on the freeway. That must have got expensive to lug that stuff all over because now he has colorful plastic flowers glued all over the dang car.


Amidst the craziness, we have the die-hard spirit of our octogenarians. My office building sits at the bottom of a very steep hill. In the summer, I like to coast down the hill and drive up it. Yesterday, I was blessed with seeing this bicyclist inching up the hill. He was wearing shorts, t-shirt and a neon vest. Even a helmet. I thought to myself: Self, he should just get off that bike and push it up the hill, it would be faster. But this old cuss was determined to ride up the hill. So inch by inch, he pushed himself until he got to the top. He could have walked faster. We’ll see if he tries it again.


Tomorrow I will find out if I have a job. I just found out that the document I electronically filed with the court 3 months ago was supposed to be filed with attachments. I did not file it with attachments. I am thinking of a word that starts with s and rhymes with hit.