Witness to Withness

Learning how to Care

I sit and wonder who cares and why should I anyway
the iceberg exterior slowly melts away
Under the sculpted wilderness I plead and pray
Is it possible God will show me a new way

When you learn that there is something worth caring about, you learn you are worth caring about. As I would learn much later, the more you learn about what is important the more important you feel for knowing your worth what you value.


         As I enter into my new home I immediately notice that the world will no longer revolve around me. I took into this environment a bruised and battered self. I was not alone. One of my roommates was named Richard. He seemed kind of strange and yet I had no idea what made him different than me or anyone else for that matter. He lived in his world and I lived in mine. I had no reason to want to get to know him. After all in my mind I had enough problems. Then it happened. Richard tried to commit suicide. I was confused and it would only get more confusing. I had seen people get that way elsewhere and now he was back at Sun house. It was too close for comfort. I had known some of those feelings when I was suicidal, the only difference was that I did not act on those feelings. I was too afraid.

         I entered into a scene with a nice looking woman sitting at a table that was at the entry of the kitchen area. It was a place where new residents and managers gathered. Deanna had come back to visit. She was a girl I would have loved to date if I had the courage. She launches into a tirade as others look on. I am just entering into the room. I am oblivious to anything that might have been discussed before I got there.
"I would rather be with Richard in hell than with you anywhere."
I felt I had been hit head on with a torpedo from a submarine in a deep place I knew nothing about. I would unpack all that happened and learn at that point that she liked Richard, who just happened to be gay and she resented that someone like me who represented the church could be considered any better

         I left frustrated, hurt and angry. I was faced with not having words. There was dead silence. I was reminded that in my family world that I was the blame for everything. Why bother caring, when people were always blaming, making me a scapegoat. I determined that I would learn to care. I was faced with the fact I was not a very caring person and that deeply affected my perception of what it meant to be a friend. I stayed away from Richard, not because I did not like him. It had more to do with being scared that somehow what I represented was a threat to someone's personhood. In this case it was my aspiration to be a pastor.

         I can not remember ever seeing her again. It was during this time I let the smoking of a pipe be my shield. I was working to hide behind a persona until I was ready to embrace who I was in relationship to others. I have little remembrance of seeing much of Richard after this. He was this skinny black haired man with a lilting accent. I knew he was there and would never go away. I determined to learn how to care about people like Richard. He spoke to me about those who would not know love otherwise. I knew what that had meant for me as I was battling depression and I was hopeful I could provide a caring presence for others.