The New and Improved Cynical Idealist

Cats...

In the beginning, I was blessed with a love of cats and cursed with an allergy to cats...

Yes indeed. I am a cat lover, I always have been. Ever since I was a little kid I've been more attached to cats than dogs for multiple reasons. One of the most important reasons is they don't drink from the toilet. Yeah... I just find it grotesque that one would allow a dog to lick them after having drank from such a cesspool of uncleanliness. Now I scrub my toilet bowl to a sparkling shine, but I just don't care, its not clean enough. Ew.

The second most important reason is cats don't bark at everything. As a matter of fact, they don't bark at all. Yeah, I bet you didn't know that. Being a proponent of a quiet companion, cats in my opinion are the embodiment of everything I desire in a pet. They are independent, quiet (for the most part), and require attention only when it suits their purposes.

There is one other reason I love cats. They are evil.

I have to interrupt this for a moment because my daughter just handed me "Cat in the Hat," and told me it was my Christmas present. (As I said, this will happen a lot as this saga continues.)

Yes, cats are evil. If you don't believe me well, allow me to give you an example. Other than humans, what other creature will kill for sport? A cat. Aside from humans what other creature will do things purely to annoy another? A cat. Assuming you accidentally drank that shrink concoction that cousin Kermit brewed up in R.L. Stein's "Monster Blood III," and you shrank to the size of a thimble, what creature would eat you simply because you were smaller than it? A cat. Yes, even if you were its master for a decade, the simple fact that you were now smaller would be all the reason that cat needed to now make you its next plaything. I respect that in an animal. To me, there is no animal more like a human in its personalities and reasoning than a cat. True, primates are far more similar to us than cats, but in a mindset sort of way, no they aren't.

Well that aside, my fiancé is a dog lover. Now, I don't hate dogs, I just don't like them that much. They are loud, hyper, reckless, and require way too much attention for me to consider them as an ideal pet. Knowing that I simply would not allow a dog in my house, when we first moved in with one another, her dog remained at her mother's and she brought along her long haired cat. It was a lovely cat named Twix, there was just one problem with this cat. It shed... everywhere... all the time. That is the one setback to pets. I hate having to clean up fur, but with this cat, it wasn't like cleaning up fur, it was like cleaning up a rug. Seriously, I have no idea where all this fur came from.

But, I still liked it. She was a good cat; smart, and stupid in the same animal. Having lived with this cat for about a year or so, and following the birth of our daughter, my allergies got too severe for me to live a comfortable life in our house. I tried all the different pills but none of them worked so sadly, we had to send the animal to her step-brother.

We've since moved out of that house, having bought our lovely house on the hill. Well, for roughly two years, we lived pet free... until one day. My fiancé showed me pictures of adorable Siamese kittens for sale on a local flea market web site, and begged for me to get one. Well, I was thinking of my daughter when I said yes. I think that no kid should be denied a pet when they are growing up, so I figured I would suck up the allergies and just get it.

$250.00 later, we were the owners of a male Siamese kitten that we named Odin (because its original name of Elvis just didn't fit it.) He warmed up to us as soon as we got him home, and I learned quite fast that Siamese like to sit on their owners' shoulder. Fascinating as that may be, my nose doesn't agree. Though I have only a very mild allergy to this guy, its a proximity thing, and it was well within the event horizon of my sneezing fits. After having played with him for a time, it was now bed time. My kid wasn't quite willing to go to sleep since we had a new addition to our house, but that was beside the point. The point was, the cat wasn't quite willing to go to sleep either. I didn't allow it into the bedroom for the simple fact that its my one and only place of solace and comfort that will remain untainted by pet dander. Well, that didn't seem to matter much to the cat and he used his body as a battering ram to get in. Well... needless to say the bedroom was now tainted with pet dander, but at least we could sleep.

A day later we discussed getting him a playmate to calm him at night, so a quick drive and another $250.00 later, we were now the owner of yet another Siamese kitten we named Thor. Odin and Thor, the perfect pair. They were both brothers, so we knew they'd be familiar with one another, but Thor wasn't quite a fan of his new home, though it was much, much bigger than his previous one. Now when we bought these cats, I was still in the heart of repairing a $21,000 pipe explosion that occurred over the winter. As such, we had just spent $2000 on carpet in the living room. Well, Thor thought it was a good place to mark his territory... I can't tell you the level of panic that erupted in my body when I saw it. Truly, I was beside myself. Luckily, Resolve is a great brand of stain remover so it did clean up, but its the principle... At any rate, I showed him where the litter box was, and he was happy to mark his territory there once more. Problem solved.

We had an agreement, my fiancé and I. These were her pets, so she would be responsible for their care. Now, I have no problem occasionally scooping some poop, or feeding them, but these were her cats. Well... one pregnancy later, and now I'm the primary pooper scooper... and I have to say, whoever discovered that pregnant women can't clean a litter box is a jerk. I truly hate that man. These cats poop more than any creature I've ever seen... god why couldn't we have got a fish?

Well, upon my return home from my recent work trip, they ran to the door like they were going to attack me. Both of them meowed and purred and rubbed against my legs as I stepped through the door, and you know what? I was like the Grinch after his heart grew three sizes that day. At any rate, Odin has been my buddy since the day we got him. Thor... well he's a lady's man and is much more partial to my fiancé. Buddy or no buddy though, they are both royal pains in the butt. I've never had a cat that was so little like a cat than these two. They are vocal, they are hyper, and they are independent, but they would rather be in your face like a dog. Why couldn't we have got a fish?

As soon as one of them handles their business in the litter box, its time for me to step up and be the caregiver. They aren't at all satisfied until that thing is spotless... of course, if I was a cat, I'd probably be the same way. Following my most recent venture in the world of foul smelling cat byproduct, I realized that we no longer have a house. We are starting on making it a home. Yes, the dining room is still in shambles from the winter destruction that occurred while I was away, but its coming along. These two silly creatures plop themselves in the rays of afternoon sun, content and waiting for their masters' calls, and my daughter runs about showing them stuffed animals and toys that they could care less about, but the fact is we have a home now.

I guess the cats can stay, since they are part of this equation, but I tell you, I can't wait for her to be done with this pregnancy because she's going to have nine months of back pay owed on that litterbox.