Memories of Snow

May 7, 2014

It's afternoon here in Las Vegas, I've only gotten one blog response written and posted a status update to Facebook. I have a grief cunseling meeting at 4:00 pm I have to get ready for. I'm also cooking some veggies in the skillet. I can't seem to focus because of fantasizing. It's getting to the point where MDD is interfering in everything I do. I was able to concentrate on one blog entry, but nothing else. All I want to do is play GS and daydream. I can't even win a GS game because of daydreaming.

One of the reason is that I haven't said all my prayers this morning, which usually helps overcome the daydreaming. Concentrating on almost anything usually helps me deal with MDD, but not today. I don't know what's wrong but I need to find out because I can't live this way any more. Maybe it's the change in weather or the change in climit; I'm also having trouble spelling words I know how to spell. Now I have something else to worry about. Perhaps the problem is the worry and I just need to relax with a both; which I would love to take, but I can't sit down in the bathtub because of the difficulty getting up.

The way I take a bath is simple. I run water in the tub and then either stand in it and wash wish a washrag or sit on a stool and wash. I haven't washed my hair in I don't know how long because of the difficulty. I'm tired of all these problems, so maybe that's why I'm fantasizing; at least in my fantasy world I can solve my problems. If I don't get more writing accomplished, then I won't meet my word count goal. I also have to review and I'm behind on my review goal this week. I'm tired of being behind on things. I have a project on writing.com I have to finish before Friday, but I haven't worked on it.

I have so much to do and I feel so stress. That's probably why I'm fantasizing and having difficulty spelling. I just want to relax and not worry about anything. I'm tired of being so deeply in debt that I can't afford to have my hair cut or go to a movie. There are several movies I'd like to see, but I can't afford them. Sometimes I think I'm cursed, but I don't know who hates me enough to put a curse on me. Even if I believed it was possible. I'm becoming paranoid and I don't like that.

I don't know what to do except sit down and pray. I don't seem to have time for anything because of the daydreaming and procrastination, which I think are linked to a childhood experience, but I don't know which one. I think I started fantasizing before JS molested (I hope that's how the word is spelled) me. I can smell the spinach and asargress cooking, so the water must be hot enough to boil. I don't know what I'm going to add to the mix. I have some spices, but I didn't get a chicken breast out of the freezer. I probably shouldn't eat the asargress anyway because of the potassium content.

I have put off looking for something I need to get help. Perhaps that's why I'm so upset and want to daydream. Daydreaming is just a way to withdraw so I don't have to deal with my miserable life. I don't know if my life is all that miserable, but it feels that way lately. Of course, the problem maybe prayer. I just don't seem to have the motivation for anything.

I've always had difficulty motivating myself, but lately it seems worse then ever. The daydreaming is worse, as well, or at least it seems that way. I think I'm taking the wrong approach to MDD and my other problems. I'm not saying prayers about assistance with difficulties or anything like that. In fact I'm not praying the same way I did when I became a Baha'i I wanted to learn the long healing prayer by heart and I haven't made an attempt at that in a long time. I need to get back to doing some of the stuff I used to do.

I think I need to request prayers from the Baha'i community. Things always go better when people are praying for me. I know my brothers pray for me, but that different then having Baha'is pray for me.