Fighting For A Life Worth Living

Day 25 - So Relieved It's Over

Warning: I did not proof read this entry. The events that happened today really upset me and reading through it is too tough at this moment.

Anything good that happened on day 25 was quickly overshadowed by the terrible. We received a check in the mail because we had over paid on our escrow last year and with how tight our budget has been since I lost my job anything was well welcomed. My excitement soon turned to panic though when I went to get into my car I realized that the last time we had driven it, we had left it without locking it and someone else noticed it before we did. The contents of the middle console had been emptied onto the driver’s seat while everything in the glove compartment was dumped on the floor. Not knowing what had been left in the car, panic consumed me as I started thinking about the what ifs.

What if I had bank misplaced bank information or a check book?

Was there anything valuable that I had forgot about?

Luckily we live a mile from our bank and I was able to get there quickly and even called my husband on the way to tell him what I had discovered. He asked the scariest question, that I hadn’t even thought about.
Did we have a garage door opener in the car? I had no idea what the answer to that question was, but what I did know is that if they did find a garage door opener they would have hit the jackpot. Bikes, mowers, a grill, you name it and there is a good possibility it’s in our garage, as well as a hidden key to the house in case we lock ourselves out. If they would have found that key they would have had access to our whole house. Being all worked up, we ordered pizza for supper.

We have been doing a great job of not ordering pizza and trying to cook for ourselves so I am not upset we ordered it. I had felt as though someone had violated my personal space and was unsure of what all they got if anything. As the night went on I my nerves finally settled although both my husband and I are both still on edge. Every little noise we are checking out just to make sure it’s not foul play. I had also been thinking about Dairy Queen and got an oreo blizzard, my husband wanted spaghetti from Fazoli’s. I think the stress caused us to both want our comfort food. My final thoughts on the food is that I have come too far to cry over 1 day. Today’s entry is more of a way for me to vent and try to relieve a little stress. As if someone rummaging through my personal belongings wasn’t enough I did something stupid.

I checked Facebook. I have realized that more harm comes from Facebook than good and for the last month I have deleted the apps and have not checked it, until tonight. Even though I do not get on it my husband still tags me in different posts. Last Friday I was freezing and could not get warm for whatever reason so in the middle of summer I was watching tv in sweatpants, my Iowa Wild (Hockey) sweatshirt, and 2 blankets. My husband thought this was hilarious, took a picture, and posted it to Facebook. One of my former co-workers saw it who is a huge hockey fan and made a few comments on the photo wanting to know who I was cheering for since the Minnesota Wild was kicked out the first round of the playoffs  So today I Facebook stalked her to see how she was doing as well as if she had posted any recent pictures. Shortly before I broke up with Facebook, she announced she was pregnant. She is due in October and barely showing, but she will start to soon. As I was checking my newsfeed I noticed that a girl I went to high school with is also expecting her first child.

When I was younger I didn’t want to have a child right away. I was more concerned with traveling and doing the things I wanted, thinking I had all the time in the world. Now, I am nearing 30 and desperately want a child of my own to love. I want to hold them and tell them every will be ok, make a mess in the kitchen and teach them to jam out to Backstreet Boys and Nsync like I do. I want to show and teach them everything. The hardest part is I am unsure if I will ever have these kids I dream about. I have been cursed with the number 1 cause of infertility in the US. You can still get pregnant it just becomes a lot more difficult and higher risks. My husband continually tells me it will happen someday, but every time he says that it irritates me. I feel like he is trying to play God. How does he know if I will ever get pregnant? He is trying to keep the hope alive, but it’s easier when you are the person who doesn’t have the problem. The part that is the worst is when someone I know or am close to gets pregnant, I have mixed emotions while I am happy for them, it also makes me feel like they are living and I am stuck forcing to watch them live the life I dream of.