Fighting For A Life Worth Living

Days 40-42 I Keep Fighting With Myself

I blinked and three days have blown by! For the last six weeks I have encountered my fair share of struggles. Often, it seems as though every new day brings a new struggle that I could not have seen coming. Even though I am usually caught off guard I have always had the knowledge to know what steps needed to be taken to succeed. The last few days have been no different. I have made some great progress but now face a new obstacle leaving me unsure how to handle it. It is important you know the accomplishments I have recently made, because it is the accomplishments that are causing my current obstacle.

My cousin returned from Georgia with a new girlfriend and we had a family get together so we could see him, meet his girlfriend, and get to meet my newest cousin Charlie who was just born two months ago. We had such a fun time. An inflatable pool had been set up for the toddlers, complete with water guns. It didn't take long before a few of us adults were engaged in a water war! The water felt great on a hot day, the only problem was that what started as a little teasing turned into a few of us getting soaked! I didn't want to go inside my aunts house soaking wet, so we talked my mom into showing us a pond her dad built when they were growing up and the siblings always talk about memories they had at the pond, making it sound as if it were magical. My aunt and uncle have bought part of the land my grandparents owned, but this infamous pond they always talk about isn't on our family's land anymore, so we never get to see what they are always talking about. We asked permission from the current owners before we walked to it. I'm happy the current owners were nice enough to let us see the pond. It was a nice walk there and allowed for my clothes to dry out. When we returned to the house supper was almost ready. I was able to leave their house feeling very proud of myself. Having the water war gave me much needed exercise and I did very well not eating unhealthy food at my aunt's house. My biggest accomplishment was that I had brought sugar cookies to the party and I grabbed one on our way out and left the rest at the party.

At the party we ate an early supper and around 10 pm I started to get hungry again and craved cookies. In February we were planning a trip to visit my friend in the Chicago area and I had bought some Girl Scout cookies to take with us. I had put them in a bag and almost forgotten I had them. Our plans have recently changed because I lost my job and we are no longer going to Chicago, but she is coming here instead. I decided I no longer needed to save the cookies for our trip and opened them up (I also found an unopened bag of Robin Eggs, my favorite Easter candy). While I was eating the cookies I felt like I wanted to gag and quit eating them. I have never experienced a gag reflex with cookies, usually eating pasta invokes it. On Sunday I decided I needed to throw away my bag of goodies and it nearly broke my heart. In the last few weeks I have ate different foods that I used to enjoy and find comfort in, but now I can't stand the taste of them.

The obstacle I am facing right now is that I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I try on my clothes and they are fitting the same as before or I step on the scale and it tells me that I have not lost any weight. These things tell me that there is something I am not doing right. Then, I begin to think about the achievements I have made the past 6 weeks like going to the grocery store and not buying junk food and I am instantly glowing. My newest achievement is not bringing me pride or happiness. I am not finding comfort in food, like I used to. I know this is an achievement, but I have never found disgust in fatty foods before and I do not know how to handle this. I have always found my greatest pleasure in food and I can't say that anymore. I feel lost.