Journal

I liked you better before you knew me

When I talked about being in love with Izzy, one of the things I mentioned was that she reminded me a lot of my wife when I first met her. That reminded me of the McBusted song "Before You Knew Me", which has some amazing lines in it such as:

You were Hannah Montana
Now you're licking things like Miley

I feel it may date the song a little, unless Miley keeps doing crazy stunts.

But on a more serious note I worry that I am a slightly destructive influence. I'll give a brief history of my love life (don't worry it's not long) even though it does kind of point out a lot of the crappy things I've done.

So first girlfriend was when I was 15, (we'll call her G1 because coming up with code names is hard). We dated for almost a year, and lost our virginity together. I then went on holiday met a random girl and ended up kissing her. So that kind of ended things with G1, but it was a bit of a complicated breakup, she was willing to try to forgive me but it kind of seemed like it was over so it was semi-mutual.

I then went to college (that's the UK definition of college so 16-18). Me and G1 stayed friends, and continued having sex. The problem was that she started to have a few issues, panic attacks, severe anxiety, even a couple of minor suicide attempts. I'm not saying I was the cause, her father had physically abused her mother while drunk and that had had a pretty major impact on her. But I don't think I was helping much. So during that time I didn't date anyone else, did kiss another girl which caused a bit of friction with G1.

I then went to university, where I met G2, we started having casual sex but at some point in the first term it turned into a proper relationship. One of the things I liked about her was she had a fairly strong personality. About 6 months later, I went on a trip with G1 round Australia (it had been planned since before I started university), during that holiday we had quite a lot of sex. I never told G2 about it, I'm not sure how long me and G1 continued having sex, probably for about a year into mine and G2's relationship.

After 2 years at university I had a placement year so was at the other end of the country. That was when I met G3. But by that point G2 had already turned from a confident independent woman into a rather needy one. So me and G3 got together on a trip, we only kissed on the trip and when we got back I phoned G2 and told her. Probably a sign of how she had changed was that she was willing to forgive me, was possibly even ok with me sleeping with G3 while on the placement in a kind of open relationship style thing, but I thought it better if we ended things. So a day or two later me and G3 fell into a relationship. I did go up to see G2 and we ended up sleeping together again but we both agreed it was over.

While on placement I was diagnosed with IBS, after my placement I went back to university while G3 was at university not far from where we were on placement. The long distance relationship thing was hard, and with my IBS getting worse I went through some pretty bad depression. I managed a year, but in the second developed a crush on another girl, nothing happened with me and her as she wasn't interested, but at that point I was barely leaving the house due to my IBS so things got pretty bad. That's when I contacted G2 again. So for a couple of weeks we were having casual sex. G3 found out and we ended up splitting up, me and G2 continued having casual sex for a little bit but then me and G3 got back together so we stopped.

I finished university and moved in with G3, who eventually went on to be my wife. So as you can see not many girls, I've kissed 5 and slept with 3, so not pushing any kind of records. But each one was strong and independent and somehow over time I made them dependent upon me. I cheated on all three, and all three would have taken me back. I didn't want them to become dependent upon me, the thing that attracted me to G2 and G3 were that they were independent.

So apart from being a bit of a jerk and not particularly faithful at times I don't really understand what I've done. It's also another reason why I couldn't cheat on my wife with Izzy, it would just seem like a repeat of the pattern starting again. And if I were able to convince Izzy into having a secret affair then I'd be worried about what I was corrupting her into (although as I don't really know her that well she may be very different to how she is at work and so I wouldn't be corrupting her at all).

It's also slightly strange that I haven't really been single since I was 15. Technically at college I was, but I'm not sure how much I really believe that, me and G1 were in a rather complex relationship and just pretending that it was casual. So I was either in a relationship, or having casual sex with someone which may or may not have been a relationship as it's hard to tell.