Perpetual Ruminations

WdC PostCard

I received a postcard a couple days back from WdC! I've received quite a few things from them over the years and I find it very hart warming. I don't know of any other sites that actually send a member things for birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. It's one of may things I love about the site.

This time it's a simple reminder to log in everyday, something I really need to do. But, to actually send me something to remind me seems so wonderful; it cost money for postcards and it cost money for postage. I have a purchased membership, so there are no adds paying them for me to be here, just what I spend to maintain my membership, which is months away yet. No, it's not about money, it's about caring and that's wonderful.

So, why don't I log in more often? I mean, I love it here when I can interact with others, write, read, review, and interact in onsite activities. Well, normally I love all these things, but lately it's gotten to be frustrating. Not the site, or anything to do with the site; no, this is my life that has gotten complicated and frustrating, and it seems all but out of my control.

If I can log in and relax, engage, and enjoy, I would be here as much as possible. But, with interruptions, and all the hassles that seem to keep interfering with my life, it's difficult to try and set a time up when I can log in. The more I try to overcome these, the more they seem to increase and disrupt, until I've finally reached a place where I just try and avoid them. That means I avoid doing the things I love because it has become too difficult for me to engage in them.

Even today, I suffer again at the same problems. I need to do some shopping, but I don't have control over the finances, my wife does. She knew I needed to shop for some items and even added her input into the list of things I need to get, but she did not give me a dollar amount I can safely spend without risking spending too much. Why? She didn't get around to figuring up the checkbook yet.

So, now I'm sitting here, frustrated and kind of stuck. Both girls are at friends for part of the day, so it's a great time for me to get out and get away from things for awhile. It's a good time for me to get away from the stress and frustrations of being stuck in the apartment  but I don't know how much, if any, money is available. I also do not know when the girls are going to be coming home and again, do not have any way of finding out. They have my wife's phone number and will not answer if I call, even though I have been trying to get my number added. Like the check book, it gets pushed back and I sit and wait.

Once the girls are home, it get's stressful. They have been adopted out of the foster care system and both have issues. They cannot be left unattended, and I never know when one, the other, or both will get triggered and problems arise. I can take them with, but it prevents me from being able to relax and more often than not, gets stressful and difficult shopping with them.

I feel like I'm going this alone, trying to keep everything working correctly and smoothly, but instead of getting the resources and support, I get nothing but more stress and pushed off until later; a later that never comes.

I try! I talk and point out things, I am willing to jump in whenever needed, and I work with everyone involved, but I don't get any cooperation back. I hear the same response over and over, I have to (fill in the blank) ____________ right now and don't have time. So, I sit and wait, and wait, and wait. Then, when I get tired of waiting an decide it's time to do something for me, to get out of the home, to get de-stressed, and take some time for myself, I have to put my plans on hold because now I have to do what I had to put off days back.

I feel trapped! Trapped by the person who I used to turn to for support and who used to work by my side.