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From the mind of a self-absorbed, self-destructive sociopath. |
| I cannot continue to to hurt people, yet I have no idea where to begin. |
| Today I bought myself some thoughts. I thought it would be nice. I thought that my thoughts would be thoughtful enough to let me think that I was thinking. Then once my thoughts turned on me, I thought that I might go back to the store to return those mundane thoughts. But, the store clerk told me that she thought it wasn't in my good thinking to return these thoughts, since she thought they were crazy. Once I returned home, I thought to myself, what in the world would make me even think about buying some thoughts. Well then I thought to myself, If these thoughts weren't good enough, what makes me think that I can return them? These thoughts were so crazy that even my inner voices were thinking what was wrong with me. So I went to the manufacturer of these thoughts and demanded my money back. They told me that the CEO of thoughts was unavailable, and I should just bottle my thoughts up until the next day. Great, I thought. Another day with thoughts of chocolate |
| I often wonder, and have been a lot lately, if I am fully incapable of having normal relationships. I seem to find myself looking for something bigger and better. I don't think I've ever had a normal relationship. For as long as I can remember, there was never anything normal about any relationship I've ever had. I am constantly hurting someone; today it's my fiance. Been together for six years, and never was there anything normal about our time together. It started off as a fling; we worked together, he was a manager, and I was a bartender. It was kind of on again off again. Three months into our fling, I discovered his drug addiction. For months, I was convinced that I could change him. That turned into years. We had two children and he still battled drugs. It's been a year since he's been clean and it's like things are falling apart. I think I am punishing him for all those years of hell that he put me through. I don't mean to. But, it always takes first place in my mind. The first relationship that I can remember that had an impact on me was my first serious boyfriend. We met when I was 15. We were together until a few months before my 18th birthday. He cheated on me, mentally and emotionally abused me, and basically treated me like shit. But, I thought I loved him and convinced myself that he was good and I would stick with him. I put myself through hell with him and in the end, 7 years later, I still have a hate for him. The relationships between my fiance now, and my ex boyfriend were sketchy. I never held anything serious, and I was constantly bouncing from guy to guy. When I met my fiance, I told myself it wasn't anything serious and it was just something to do. Then, I got pregnant and that all changed. I feed on attention, and I have always been the one to get it, intentionally or not. I've worked in bars for years, and I've always had different guys hitting on me. I suppose that I loved all the attention. And I would give it right back to them. The more attention they got, the better my tips would be. So long as I never went home with them, I never thought myself as promiscuous, only a business woman. It's a game. And a game that I have completely mastered. Yet, I never thought anything wrong with it. I can't say that I have been around any normal relationships either. My parents divorced when I was 11. I went to live with my dad because my mom decided that the man she left my dad for was more important, and was on the road a lot for about a year. I got post cards, and phone calls, and presents sent to me. I had taken on the role of mother of the house when they divorced. I had to look after my brother and sister when my dad had to work graveyards and then come home and sleep all day. I watched my dad go through a stage where he would party a lot. He was always looking for a relationship and was always hurt in the end. It was hard to see him go through. So, I look back today and wonder, if everything I’ve seen and done makes it impossible to have a normal relationship. Why do I always look for something better? My fiance is a great man. He’s a great father, and always finds a way to keep a roof over our heads. He’s been good to me. I love him dearly. But I don’t know if I can love him fully. I don’t even love myself fully. I honestly hate the person I have become. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve been writing lately, in hopes of finding out who I actually am. But in doing that, I feel like I am on a carousel, going around and around, never getting anywhere. Either that, or I am a yo-yo. My fiance and I are not speaking, and he wants me out of the house today. I have no where to go. Well, I do. I can go stay with my dad and step mom, but I think I am afraid to admit to anyone that I have ruined my family. My children hate me and do not listen to me. I don’t want to admit to myself most of all. I am really feeling quite lost and not sure what on earth I am to do. But, I know that I need help and not sure where to start. I don’t want to hurt them anymore, but I don’t know how to do anything else but. |
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