Ya Know What I Was Thinking?

Welcome to the Breakneck Ski Lodge and Resort, where we put the "hospital" in "Hospitality!" Take a chance on our double-black-diamond Cracksnap Slope to slide some "fun" into your "Funeral!" Tickets available with your local travel agent; Medicaid and Medicare both accepted for deposits.

I wish I could write like David Sedaris. His anecdotes and stretches remind me, in a weird way, of an extended version of Erma Bombeck. Don't remember her? You might've been too young; or you might've lived in the wrong part of the country. Ms. Bombeck was a columnist in the early 1980's who wrote wonderful anecdotes for the newspaper. These columnists, may you younger readers understand, were the original bloggers.

Both Bombeck and Sedaris can take the most mundane feature or event of everyday life and turn it into an interesting, often hilarious piece of writing. When I emulate them, my output is usually waterlogged, uninteresting, and uninspired.

If boring was a career, I'd be a CEO!

I have a stack of planning calendars in my office stretching back to the time I started at this company. Right beside it is a stack of each notebook I've ever kept. I also have an electronic notebook that spans the same time period. The walls and shelves in my office sport a bunch of clocks: a tiny bedside alarm on the file shelf in front of me; a tasteful room clock by my white board; a digital projection clock on which the projection feature only barely works next to my window.

And I am still scrambling to be ready for each meeting and to meet each deadline…and to update my personal blog more than once a month.

My personal finances are a wreck. I know: nobody cares, but stay with me on this. I am in debt so far that lottery tickets run away when they see me coming. I halfway pray that someone steals my identity so the collection agencies go after them for a while—suckers! I took Accounting 101 half a lifetime ago, and was only moderately proficient in making sure the Debit Column and the Credit Column balanced to a Zero Column at the bottom of the ledger. I have no financial background, no financial prowess, and I only understand macroeconomics about as much as a third-grader understands algebra.

My job title? Billing Manager!

My mind is like a TV whose remote control channel button is stuck. Squirrel? Hell, the whole forest distracts me—even when I'm in the city! So thanks for reading along as I think through some of the many randomish name tags I wear on any given day. The Ghost of Christmas Present said: "Know me better, man!" Well, I'm more the Writer of Whenever Present. Know me any better now? Well, I wouldn't tell anyone if you do—you might be the next one Sallie Mae wants to talk to about how to contact me regarding overdue student loans. If so, just tell them: