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 |  A support forum for writers dealing with mental illness |
Thinking back, I don't know that I have ever had mental health at its best. As far back as I can remember I was always sad about something. I had good times, sure, just like others around me, but deep inside I was always a sad little girl. I remember going to kindergarten and being made fun of. It doesn't start a kid off right at all. It was like that all through school and even into adulthood. I think it's even worse when adults belittle people. I just don't understand why they have to be so mean. What do they get out of it? They create a type of hell for other kids while they go on and have their happy, financially comfortable lives. You don't think I'm bitter or anything, right?  What caused these highs and lows? Personally, I think it was genetics and environment. My dad was an alcoholic. I swear my mom was depressed at some points in her life but she says no. Then I married a man who himself was depressed. But we were both so young when we got married. Neither of us even knew what depression was. (I was 19 and he was 22.) Depression didn't come out for me, officially, until after we'd been married for eleven years. Our second baby was about six months old when my husband found me on the floor holding her and sobbing. I didn't know why I was crying. We had been through so much by this time. I aborted my first pregnancy for my health. (I had a baby growing inside of me that had a heart but no brain among many other anomalies.) Then as soon as I could I got pregnant again and had a beautiful little girl. So, I think both of these things played a part in bringing my depression to the surface. Currently, I think I'm in a situation where my depression will just be maintained. I've allowed myself to be married to a man who is very overbearing. He has a short fuse and gets angry very easily. It took me a very long time to cross him, so-to-speak. I pretty much let him rule me and what I did, when, where I went, and so on. Not so much anymore. I finally realized that I'm me and I can control what I do and when I do it. Unfortunately, I didn't do that soon enough to teach my children not to be accepting of being treated the same way. I'm afraid I've done a huge disservice to them by example. My oldest daughter stands up for herself and isn't afraid to argue with him. Silently I root for her because she's everything I wish I could have been at her age. We've all been through enough therapy that I can fall back on the things I've learned when needed. When I find I'm having an extremely difficult time I'll schedule time with a therapist for a while. I feel bad because I know it would hurt him tremendously to know how his girls feel about him. He loves us all so very much. Unfortunately, his behavior doesn't coincide with his love. I've said before that I love him, but I don't necessarily like him. I had someone tell me that is impossible, but that's how I feel so I know it's not wrong. I have a right to feel however I want.   |
Re: TotW 4th - 11th of March · 03-04-18 9:55pm 
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